still trying to stand

[Accuray]

Sedja, it sounds like your W has been doing some evaluation of your situation and convinced herself of some things, either by herself or with someone's help.

It sounds like she has constructed herself as the victim with you as her oppressor, and your "oppression" accounts for anything she might have done wrong, or anything she feels she missed out on in life.

If she doesn't get to air that with you, she will continue to fixate on it and it will become more and more real to her.

If you want to attempt to diffuse that, here's what you need to do:

1) Tell her that you heard what she said the other day, but you're not sure you understood it and would like to hear it again. Ask her to take you through it once more and explain what she's been thinking about.

2) The hard part: Listen to what she says as if you were a reporter and had no emotional stake in the game. Ask questions to clarify, repeat it back, but do not defend, argue, or offer different perspectives, EVEN IF WHAT SHE SAYS IS OFFENSIVE AND/OR RIDICULOUS.

3) Tell her you want to think about what she said and then read it back to her in a day or so to make sure you understand it. Wait 24-48 hours, then explain back to her what she explained to you and confirm that you understood it correctly.

Why go through this torture?

A) Once she's aired it, she won't fixate on it. If she feels you heard and understood her and didn't fight her on it, the issue comes off the table and the air is cleared.

B) When you read it back to her after 24-48 hours, the things she said that were the most ridiculous/offensive will be apparent when she hears them back and she is likely to see that for the first time and/or rethink it. That is a much more effective approach than arguing with her when she presents it, or overtly trying to show her she's wrong.

"You always oppressed me and never let me be happy!"

24 - 48 hours later: "You said that I always oppressed you and never let you be happy -- do I have that right?"

"Well, I guess you didn't *always* oppress me..."

That's how you get her thinking started. Otherwise she's just going to dig in harder on her position.

Acc