Hi all. I'm new here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Also, she could've called douch face to help her out or even stayed at his place. But she didnt, so that's a positive ill take as well.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

The key is to do what works and to not do what doesn't work. Sounds much simpler than it is. Since you are not using the last resort technique, the rules are more like guidelines that you will deviate from. You have to figure out what is working and what isn't and because you are doing many things at once, it is hard to know what to focus on.

You also need to try things that may feel wrong.

It does seem like you are a bit too available. You maybe should have gone to let her in, but then left and not done the food thing. Do things differently than you normally would. Completely the opposite in many cases. Be a bit mysterious and unpredictable.

Good luck!!!

[2ndTimeHurt]

The key is to do what works and to not do what doesn't work. Sounds much simpler than it is. Since you are not using the last resort technique, the rules are more like guidelines that you will deviate from. You have to figure out what is working and what isn't and because you are doing many things at once, it is hard to know what to focus on.

You also need to try things that may feel wrong.

It does seem like you are a bit too available. You maybe should have gone to let her in, but then left and not done the food thing. Do things differently than you normally would. Completely the opposite in many cases. Be a bit mysterious and unpredictable.

Good luck!!!

I hear ya on the mysterious thing. It's a bit hard for me to be mysterious as I dont have much time. I have my son a lot of the time and when I do go out(with a female friend), she knows about it. Haha. We sorta have this thing where we communicate too much I guess.

I try the whole "I'm just going out" but then she'll ask where, with who. And I don't mind saying but ill try to be vague but she'll question again. So to avoid any negative outcome, I just tell her.

You're right about the list being a guideline for me. I want to do what worked last time. Also I'm trying to do things that do feel unnatural for me. But ya, it's hard and I'm really just trying to focus on being positive and upbeat.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I got a question for ya.

Would you trade spots with me if you could? I see my ex almost everyday, we do family stuff together, we've had one on one hangouts, I help her with groceries, our texts are fun sometimes, massages etc.

The reason I'm asking is because it seems like I'm supposed to go dark a bit. And I get that. I've gone that route before(first time she left). I'm just wondering if there is a sweet spot or happy medium or does it change depending on the stage of reconciliation you're at.

I guess I'm asking because it seems like people would kill to have some of the interactions I get. Therefore I feel like I want to get as much as possible or at least not take it for granted.

Hey 2Th, I am responding to the question you posed on my thread here.

After reading thru posts on this forum for the past 10 months I have found that it is virtually impossible to predict which situations will eventually reconcile. When a left behind spouse sticks with DBing and generally applies the principles he/she has a shot.

I haven't read your entire back story so it would be very difficult for me to guess what will happen with you. Even then, I would probably be wrong.

A few few of the other threads I have followed have seemed to come extremely close to reconciliation only to completely fall apart. I have felt very hopefully in my situation and now I am feeling like it would take a miracle for my situation to reconcile.

Some who stick with it for a long time seem to reconcile out of her blue.

Right now I give you a better shot than me, but not because you have more interaction with your w. More because I don't personally have the intestinal fortitude to stick with it for much longer.

Since I haven't followed your situation from the beginning, I am not sure why others would say you should go dark. The main thing is to do what works.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Thanks 2ta. Funny how our usernames are similar.

I'm not sure how much to go dark. I know I should go slightly dim for periods of time. All I know is what worked the last time for me. And that was to be there for her and my family. I got to a point where I felt like I was pretty detached so I didn't have any expectations for doing the things I was doing.

I do know that when she finally came back it was after a long time (14 months) and we had both started dating others. I don't really want it to go that route again but I'm prepared for that.

[FlyOnTheWall]

I don't mean to thread jack here, but 2TH, just because it worked last time, doesn't mean the same thing will work this time.

She's better at doing this to you now, she's more experienced at it now. She also saw that no matter how much work you put in, your both right back to where you were before. Meaning, why try again? the result will probably be the same.

Your basing a lot of your strat on what work YOU did before, maybe your not the one that needs to put in the work this time? Maybe she's not willing to address her own issues, certainly not right now anyways. Some people will just keep living the same cycle over and over, but expecting a different result. It may take 1 marriage it may take 5 for some people.

Just my opinion, but I think your too close, trying to hard to help fix her. You cant. She's going to need to fail on her own if she's ever going to see the changes that need to be made are within herself.

[2ndTimeHurt]

I don't mean to thread jack here, but 2TH, just because it worked last time, doesn't mean the same thing will work this time.

She's better at doing this to you now, she's more experienced at it now. She also saw that no matter how much work you put in, your both right back to where you were before. Meaning, why try again? the result will probably be the same.

Your basing a lot of your strat on what work YOU did before, maybe your not the one that needs to put in the work this time? Maybe she's not willing to address her own issues, certainly not right now anyways. Some people will just keep living the same cycle over and over, but expecting a different result. It may take 1 marriage it may take 5 for some people.

Just my opinion, but I think your too close, trying to hard to help fix her. You cant. She's going to need to fail on her own if she's ever going to see the changes that need to be made are within herself.

Hey thanks for some added insights.

Thing is though. Nobody knows what's going to work or not work. I'm not copying my blueprint from last time. We both know she needs serious work. I definitely see small changes in her this time around. Last time it was go out, hangout with friends, go out, etc. this time she's not entirely like that. She knows she needs help. I can only be an observer in her self healing journey.

Maybe I should point out that hanging out with her and helping her with groceries is a huge 180. She knows I'm the type of person to go nc and never look back. She thinks I'm going to be the douche that is angry or cold or disrespectful or whatever other negative thing she thinks.

There's gotta be a middle ground right? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Do my 180 but at the same time be that douche she thinks I am?

I'm starting to second guess myself. Hmmm. I think I need a couple days to ponder.

I realise that when I re-read what I wrote it may look sarcastic to some. I can assure you I'm being sincere. I really am questioning how much I should let her fall on her face. Trust me, that wouldve been my natural instinct before. You left me, screw you, you deal with sh*t on your own etc etc. I'm not that person anymore but it seems I should be a bit of that person?

180ing is confusing to me like I originally posted.

[adinva]

There is no way that word d*uche describes anything remotely like what people do when they're DBing.

Had to say it.

[2ndTimeHurt]

There is no way that word d*uche describes anything remotely like what people do when they're DBing.

Had to say it.

I agree. That's why I'm being respectful and caring, but it sounds like I'm being too respectful and caring.

If I do anything remotely close to how I was, it will come across as douchy to her. I'm sorry, I do have a way with words sometimes. I don't quite have the same connotation to words like that as most people do. I grew up being called all sorts of racist names, so I think I kind of developed a thick skin when it comes to derogatory words. Sorry if I offended you.

I will call myself a douche if my ex asks if I can drive her to the grocery store and I say that I can't. To some it might be called db'ing to let the was to suffer in -40 weather with no means of transportation and a 3 year old in tow. Some may call it being a doormat. I think I view it as being there for my family.

As for the other stuff I do, I can agree that it does look like I'm being too available. That is why I'm making an effort to go out more. I guess I could hang out by myself too. I think I may be interested in picking up yoga.

I dunno, I gotta figure out how to become dim with the limited time I have. I basically have my son the majority of the time. Which is awesome btw.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hopefully nothing stupid happens tonight. I'm starting to drink because I was supposed to hang out with a buddy tonight. He might bail. My ex says she might stop by and hangout for a bit. I better keep my mouth shut!!