The job I took was with a company I didn't know much about, they're very small, and at first it felt very much like a small family. I thought it was going to be a good fit for me. Room for advancement.
Since, its been a disaster, they don't follow up on anything, I've been to 4 worksites so far, and they've about been throw off on all of them due to their disorganization. Lack of quality control, and abundance of excuses. One day I might be in town, the next they need me 400 miles away, but don't want to pay for gas.
The job I really wanted, was told was being delayed 6 months and they'd decided not to bring anyone in at this time. Well, apparently they read my app, checked my references anyways. The general manager called me himself, and wanted to do an interview anyways. He hired me after only 15 minutes, we knew many of the same people and my resume was impeccable.
Its more money, has a much better benefits package, retirement, paid holidays, etc, etc. Its a huge company, stable hours, stable environment. Its only a 100 million dollar remodel, so small potatoes compared to what I've done in the past, but the economy has changed a lot of how companies are in operation now.
As far as the marriage situation, what can I say, nothing I guess. I've completely retreated. Focused on just the job stuff, and am working on getting out of this darn apt. Prob into another one as the economy is due to take another big hit in feb-march according to my step dad who works for the treasury dept.
Housing is going to take another big hit soon, and even my realtor is telling me to wait now. He expects it to get real ugly in the next 4-5 months.
On a side note, I've discovered my 16 year old son has grown quite a drug habit, pot, over the last few months. His grades have been lethargic at best, failing some of his core graduation classes. I'm at a loss of where to go, I've been to speak to his school counselors, talked to some of his teachers, and try to put some rules down that he must follow. Whenever I attempt to be dad, he just runs to his mothers house, and I don't see him for 3-4 days. Its very hard to parent this way.
This was an issue when we were really married, I would end up being the discipline person, and my wife would give them what they wanted. So I was always the evil dad for having rules, but the rules were never really enforced because they knew they'd just go to mom anyways. Of course it was kept from me. So the kids knew how to act around me, but different while i was working.
I told her she was not helping and that it would build up a divide between the kids and I later. Guess what, im living the nightmare now. He goes over, my wife hands him 50.00 dollars and takes him shopping. Yep you guess it he bought drugs with the money, didn't go to school or 3 days and I found out that I wasn't even on the contact list for school.
Looking back, there was so much more I should have done then, like an idiot I assumed things were ok. I was doing the best with the information I had, but that my fault, no one else's.
I think its a result in how my wife and I were both raised, I had no parental structure, gave myself my own motivation to get thru things and get them done. My wife's mom isn't like a true mom either, my wife told me she was always trying to win her mom's affections once. She was basically abandoned by both parents. She's been trying to win their approval ever since. I guess that something we all go thru at some point in our lives.
Since I started looking for a place, im not sure if I should just take care of myself right now, or find another temp place big enough for my son and I, dumping him on my wife certainly isn't an answer either. I feel like im abandoning my son a bit, but his lies, and his ability to run from all responsibility are really wreaking havoc on me. And of course, support from my wife is not there right now, as she's discovering herself and her new lifestyle right now.
He'll be out of the house in a little over a year, what a change from 2 kids and a wife to nothing. No pity, just reality. Some advice I've gotten is that he needs to want the help first, I cant give him wont he refuses to accept. Sound familiar? And on the other side, force it down his throat, knowing I did what I could. Hoping he comes out of it himself. I have had a little experience with some of this, as my older brother has now been in prison for almost 20 years, due to drugs. My parents spent 10's of thousands on rehab and such, but he never wanted the help either. He still doesn't think he has a problem today. My son and him sound so eerily familiar at this stage of their lives.
Sounds like you and your W were doing the best you could with the skills you had at the time.
What are your boundaries with your son? Have you and W talked about his drug use? It's interesting how you introduced this huge problem as a side note, don't you think.
Congrats on the job!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I have some of the same problems but I'm so far from thinking I have nothing that I can barely relate. I'm so sorry you would think of your life that way and wonder what you are doing to create "something." It doesn't come from the outside.
Anyway,
My son has been getting involved with pot and kids who smoke it and deal it, over the past few years too, and his grades also took a hit, not quite as big a hit as your son's. What is your son's take on his uncle in prison? Does he not see the path he's on? Is he trying to stick it to you or his mom? I had some limited success by bringing my son in to a drug counselor twice and letting him know I wouldn't hesitate to enroll him in an outpatient group as a next step if I felt the problem was increasing. It got better, but isn't completely gone, mainly because he and his friends think of pot the way 20-somethings think of alcohol. It's a harmless form of social bonding and entertainment, to them, and should be legal, they think. I hoped, since he doesn't listen to me at all, the drug counselor would provide him with clues to look for to recognize loss of control, expanding difficulties with motivation and school, and what potentially he is giving up or risking. I still try to talk too, but my words are suspect.
My H completely washed his hands of the issue after identifying the military school he'd like to send s to. S doesn't go to his dad's at all, so I don't have the challenge you do of having a fun alternative parent.
I hope one day your son sees a goal in life. Maybe he likes a girl, would like to marry, how will he support his wife if he works at McD's and does drugs? How will he find a job he thinks is meaningful without a college degree? It's not all about rejecting his parents' values. I don't know the answers, only the questions.
I did tell my S one time, after chasing him down from a party in the middle of the night when he snuck out, that he needed to seriously consider where he was going to live if he thought my house rules were unreasonable or not in his best interest. With your son's mom provide the easy answer to that, maybe your son just needs to figure out where his bread is really buttered. Does he want the easy life in high school, or the easy life as an adult, because they're mutually exclusive.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My main problem is im never getting the whole story, bits and fragments at best, and usually well AFTER the fact.
I've given my son chores, times he must be home, curfew, and when he doesn't follow thru, he takes off for mom's. Its such a fine line between parenting and enabling almost just so you can stay in the game.
I've asked him if he's happy with his life right now, he says no. I ask him if he wants to work at Mickey D's. Cause he's heading in the right direction. He's been conditioned over the years to blow me off, say all the right things, then go behind my back. He's been in legal trouble 2x that I know of, he snuck out of his moms house and got in a fender bender at 3:30am.
The other time he spent the night at a friends house, and they all broke into a house so they could smoke and "have fun". They got caught and have 4 charges pending.
As far as the "brother" thing, he's my step brother from my mom's third, yes 3rd, marriage. My son has never met him, and we're not close in the slightest. I did make my son watch like 3 hours straight for a tv show that has youth offenders going to a prison to be "Scared Straight". It worked, for about 3 days. I've also scheduled him for 2 counseling appts. he didn't show up for either.
He's just tuned me out completely. I get up make breakfast, he hardly eats. Dinner, the same. He's lost a lot of weight. He just doesn't see it. All his friends are the same.
Like I said before I don't want to abandon him. Not really sure what to do. I guess once I get in steady with my new job, some insurance will give me some options. My wife has him covered right now, and I asked her to look into some options, but never heard from her again about it. I've tried calling to discuss some options, but she says she isn't getting them.
I know 25MLC said she has some real regrets about how the kids were handled thru her husbands time. Maybe I just need a huge 2x4 to the head. Bring it on, cause again, what im doing isn't working. But with everything going on im at a loss for real options.
I am certainly not an expert with kids, but I have found that using reverse psychology works well for me. The more you try to restrict the more the kids rebel.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Hi Fly, Sorry to hear about your troubles with your son. I don't really have much advice to offer on the subject as my little ones are still so young. IMO, no don't abandon him, let him know you are there for him. Regardless of what happens, he will know and see later that you were there for him. It's hard because you don't really know what happens when he is going to his mom's or his friends houses. And, like you said, you hear about things after the fact.
I have a close friend who is dealing with similar issues. Her step daughter was acting out and dating a boyfriend who has into drugs and getting into trouble. What she ended up doing was sort of forming an alliance with the step daughter's mother. They worked together as a team to help with the situation. For instance, if they thought something fishy was going on or that she wasn't telling the truth they would call each other and together find out what was going on. Hopefully you will be able to work with your wife as a team, after all you should have a common goal of what's best for your son.
Best of luck with everything, -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
After a while away from the boards I remembered to tell you about FA, families anonymous. Google to see if there's a meeting near you. They also have online meetings. I tried an online Alanon meeting and an in person FA meeting, which I attended many times and bought material from. It's really helpful. Bottom line is getting some help and perspective allows you to love your son apart from what he's doing wrong. You need that and he needs it.
If you get a chance, find some little thing he does right and praise the heck out of it. He's probably getting cr*p from every corner except his mom's, where he gets neglect instead, am I guessing right?
He sounds depressed.
FA doesn't tell you how to fix your child, but it helps you have a better relationship.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It's a tough spot. Have you and W talked about the problem? I didn't see that you answered that above.
A lot of people don't see it as a serious issue because it is used like alcohol and is easily available. Did you drink when you were underage? If so, what could any one have said to stop you from that arguably even more destructive behavior?
At that age they are indestructible in their minds and we adults know next to nothing.
I agree with Ad, support groups are great for this as well as letting your son know you love him, no matter what.
Just like with our partners, we also can't change our kids by force of will. Letting go comes in to play again.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
