Male midlife crisis is different from a midlife transition in which a man typically weighs his achievements against his goals and considers whether he is happy or contented. Where the evaluation is mostly negative, decisions are taken to adjust or transform aspects of his life in a rational way. People going through a healthy midlife transition also take account of the feelings and interests of their family and friends. Midlife Crisis - not the same as midlife transition
It's perfectly sensible to engage in this sort of evaluation. If you are unhappy in your job, dissatisfied with your marriage, feel you need to revamp your image or learn new skills then it makes sense to figure out a sensible way to address those issues.
Midlife crisis (MLC) is something else - as anyone who's been through one and come out the other side in one piece will tell you. Their friends and family will also tell you what a rocky ride it was, often ending marriages and friendships.
MLC is the subject of much debate within and outside the health and mental health professions. Some researchers believe it's a classifiable syndrome. Others think it's an expression of some other psychological illness such as depression or anxiety disorder.
MLC - suddenly your husband is a stranger
The partners of men going through MLC are frequently in little doubt that it's a form of mental illness. They are stunned as the previously stable men in their lives are transformed by an identity crisis which generates illogical and often uncontrolled behavior. So out-of-character does the behavior of husbands and fathers become that they are unrecognizable to their wives and children.
Infidelity often results from or feeds into the identity crisis which underlies MLC. But it's often only one element. Men in MLC typically become preoccupied with sex, often changing their tastes and habits dramatically. They develop a huge sense of 'entitlement', feeling they have a right to do and get anything they want. And they become rigidly self-centred. Anyone who is perceived as standing in their way can expect to be ignored or maltreated and sometimes physically attacked.
The midlife crisis male tries to go back in time
The evidence that they are ageing triggers panic in the MLC-er. As they look for an impossible solution to getting older, they're prone to try increasingly desperate measures: frenetic exercise, reckless overspending, too much drinking, drug abuse, age-inappropriate clothes, night-clubs, acquisition of the obligatory Ferrari, Porsche or Harley Davidson, and frequently a young girlfriend or a string of affair partners.
Because they are not able to cope with ageing, usually through a sense of failure or inadequacy relating to youthful goals, they attempt to go back in time: to dress as they used to, to date young girls as they used to, to dance all night as they used to. It's as if they suddenly realize twenty or thirty years have passed and they're not 21any more. Suddenly they're driven to try and return to their youth.
Laurent - a 55 year old in midlife crisis
Midlife has destabilized them. And once they lose a grip of the identity they've carved out over the past twenty or thirty years, literally anything can happen. The first casualty is their sense of reason; the next is often their family.
Lisette and Laurent were married for 28years and it seemed they had it all. A beautiful daughter, handsome son, beautiful home in the south of France, no money worries, common interests. In his mid-fifties, Laurent went out and bought a red Ferrari. Friends teased him that he was having a midlife crisis but seriously underestimated the signal.
Within months he'd run off with a south American girl 30 years younger than himself. Suddenly he'd thrown away the life, home and family he'd carefully built up over decades, devastating his wife and children. And staking everything on a girl younger than his daughter with whom he had no language in common. Despite the pleadings of his children and the fact that his already slim wife rapidly lost weight and became seriously ill, he was set on breaking up the family. When asked about the age gap between himself and his girlfriend - 30 years - he looked confused and said: "I know there is a gap - but I can't see it."
Living with his new girlfriend, he is now poised to start a second family but is not entirely decided. He has said he may settle with her and have children "if she is honest". His MLC reasoning prevents him from seeing that posing the question to himself and others indicates a problem and lack of trust in the new relationship. He is not able to evaluate whether or not this young girl is a gold-digger or a genuine partner.
Family breakdown during midlife crisis
His family meanwhile look on in horror. Lisette has moved into a apartment and is trying to rebuild her life. She goes to the house when Laurent is not there. Laurent meanwhile goes to the house when Lisette is not there. He has never brought the girlfriend with him. The children go on their own or when one or other parent is there. They can no longer see the parents together or meet all together as a family. They do not ever want to meet the girlfriend and both feel a visceral disgust that she is younger than they are. They are profoundly disappointed in their father.
The future looks equally awkward and painful. There will most likely be a divorce and property will have to be divided. Laurent may produce half-siblings for his son and daughter, against their wishes. If his children have children before he does, his grandchildren will have half-uncles and/or aunts younger than themselves. Lisette and Laurent will always have to manage co-grandparenting around a second family.
As regards Laurent himself, time will tell whether he will look back on his midlife crisis with regret or not. Perhaps he occasionally wonders whether his girlfriend will still be around when he's 69 and she's still in her thirties..."
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
