How are you doing Adinva? My D is final on Jan 9th. So I started later, but finished sooner. I hope the process goes smoothly for you. Mine went very smooth because I gave my W everything she asked for. I don't know if I would recommend that approach, but it does move things along.
But CES it's B-DAZZLED, you'll love it. Wear it with pride.
Hi Rock. I'm doing fantastic. Now that I'm comfortable with the loss of my 20 year marriage, I've got the loss of my 15-year job to deal with...I'm just going to be on the lookout now for identity theft because one more big blow might really hurt my PMA.
That sounded like self pity but I was going for gallows humor.
The first part was the most accurate; I'm doing fantastic. I'm grateful for new opportunities, whatever they might be. I look my best, feel great, harbor no resentments - try to, and feel a lot of power over where I'm going in life.
I've got deep relationships with selected close friends and family, and professional support in my IC, that help pull me through. I've got lots to appreciate, beautiful children, diverse talents, supportive family, and 100 pounds of fur-covered unconditional love in dog form. How can I complain?!
I'm not divorced yet, or even legally separated yet, lol, but other than on paper my divorce was completed long ago and it is for the best. My kids are healthier and our family is more authentic now that I am not covering up and plastering over their dad's shortcomings. I'm no longer making lemonade out of lemons in my marriage. I feel less alone now that my alone-ness is on the outside and not just on the inside, hidden from public view.
So I think this forum is the best place to get and give support as I get the blasted paperwork out from behind the couch cushions or whereever I left it, and ask for what support I'm entitled to, and get it, and move on.
I'm still 100% in favor of marriage as an institution and look forward to falling in love again, hopefully getting married again. Even if it only lasted another 20 years, that could be a good thing. I know one thing I didn't at age 27, and that is that I will never again accept a bad marriage out of misguided respect for the institution. I will protest bad treatment, I will insist on getting help if needed, and I will be the first one out the door next time if no reasonable effort is made to maintain a healthy relationship. A wedding ring is not a life sentence, it's a promise.
Short question, long answer. If you know me, you know to expect that.
Rock, your marriage was the pits and you're better off. There, I said it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Upping the anty with the bedazzling, eh??? Are they green? That's my birthstone.
I really like what you said about marriage being a promise and not a sentence. I think that is the realization that made me take my wedding ring off. I realized it represented a promise to me that was no longer honored by my W.
So what's next with the paperwork? Do you think there will be a heavy involvement of lawyers in your process?
And what's up with the guitar group?
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Well, the guitar group is great, they just left and it was superfun. We did a few new songs, and had only 3 players so we could slow down and help the one who knew the least.
The job hunt started with a couple feelers yesterday. Since I only got future-let-go on Friday I've been experiencing mostly shock and adjustment. I caught myself forgetting to eat, woke up feeling bad. But I was in shock at BD too so I know what to do. This is actually nothing like BD, there is nothing like the love of your life ripping your understanding of your world away. But similar less-intense feelings.
What I needed to do was swim a mile so I did that today. I also found out I might be over-swimming my miles. I thought it was 42 laps and it might be 36. Cool. The teenagers who work at the gym didn't know what length the pool is exactly.
I have a new friend in my neighborhood, who went to the pool with me. If she turns up here she'll recognize herself. It's nice to have a new friend!
Next step in the paperwork is... well, there's the easy way and there's my overly complicated over analyzing way. I'm getting a handle on what my spending is, so that when my financial advisor plugs in what to expect for child support and spousal, and how to divid the house and retirement accounts, we will both know if I can still afford to live here or not. When I'm satisfied with a financial breakdown, I will a) take it to my H to negotiate together, probably not, or b) take it to my L to incorporate into a legal counter to H's proposal, which he'll take to his lawyer, and so on back and forth. Or c) if a) fails we could go to mediation instead of L. I just don't know the right thing to do. I'm focusing first on the numbers, and then I'll meet with financial advisor and see if next step becomes more clear then.
I have a friend who says forgive me my ignorance but what's so complicated? It's a formula, and you have to live within your new means, right? But I don't think it's just a formula. I think H might want to give up some equity in the house instead of paying me additional monthly support for twice as long as he proposed, which is what I'm entitled to. I've heard that who gets the child tax credit is a negotiating point that is worth more to the higher wage earner. I could give it up for something that I need more, like operating cash. And then there's the growing mess of who owes what to whom - he's been underpaying child support but keeping tabs of my expenses such as my car insurance that he paid, my gym membership, all being tallied up by him. We'll have to figure that out and settle it up too. Blech.
I look forward to being past the point of negotiating the separation agreement.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Tomorrow he'll have moved out a year ago. We don't have phone conversations. We rarely text or email and if so it is all business. I see him about once or twice a quarter. There is no pattern to when he tries to see the kids, but a couple days' notice is sometimes given, sometimes not. He'll take S13 to movies; S15 only goes with him if they're going to see grandma and if it's mandatory. H will stay at the house when I go out of town.
H lives about 10 miles away in a room in a guy's house from his former company. I don't know anything about it except one thing. I learned yesterday the homeowner owns a dog; H showed me a photo of it on his iphone. I know the name of the company H works for but nothing else about his new job, my questions about that were shut down. I was only told that the new job will svck.
I feel like the picture of Dorian Gray. I feel better and healthier and when I see H he looks crabbier and more miserable. He's not very nice. Told about our nephews wedding which is an informal event a few weeks from the evite distribution, "oh she must be pregnant, why else would they be getting married so soon?" followed by a loud guffaw. He's just like that almost every time I see him. He's not someone I would date. I feel sad because he's not who I thought he was and I don't think he's happy.
I'll be happier when this negotiating stuff is behind me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
A, I am at the financial neg stage too. want to keep things amicable, but getting afraid. trying to keep my head up and be strong. all this stuff makes my head swim. I've not worked in 20 years. You sound great. somedays I do too.absolutely know my blessings
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
In my state assets and debts are divided equally. If you have joint credit cards u are both responsible up until the date of filling, I believe. This is another hard part in a divorce. The splitting of things. Make a list of everything that's in the house. Take pics too if you have too. I may sound petty but u will regret it later if you don't take care of your financial needs. Time to put on your business hat.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Are they green? That's my birthstone.