Stuck in the mud!

[2little2late]

Little back ground.
My wife and I have not slept together for 2 years now. A year ago she dropped the ILYBINILWY BOMB.
She has said that she is done with our marriage yet on the surface no one would have a clue that there are problems. We are separated but living together. She has surrounded her self with like divorced or separated girlfriends.
I continue to work on myself and when I feel weak like I've had enough I think about my 9 year old daughter and how my pain is nothing compared to the pain she would feel if she knew the truth. So here I am about 1 year into my sitch and I feel as if I am just stuck. The 180's worked in the beginning but now seem less effective. There seems to be no movement forward or backwards. I have noticed that my wife is partying more now. Work is not good for her, she is presently unemployed and she seems to be sinking into a dark, depressed, angry place. I feel like her dependency on me makes her mor angry with me even though I have done nothing.
I am confused on where to go from here.
Any advice?

[FlyOnTheWall]

Wow that's a tough situation.

I know we're supposed to be supportive, validate, and leave the door open.

Are you ok with the situation? Do you have boundries to protect yourself? Are they working for you?

What do you really think your teaching your daughter at this point? She's at an age where she see's your interactions, is a loveless marriage what you want to teach her? Don't think for a second she see's nothing, she see's two room mates. No love, I promise you her idea of marriage later in life will come off different of what you think marriage is supposed to be. I hope you want your daughter to be in a loving, caring marriage herself. Think about that for a minute please.

Do you feel like your being a doormat, and she might be using you to pay her bills whiles she's out parting, your supporting her lifestyle? It sounds like your really not ok with the situation. Do you have respect for yourself?? It sounds like maybe you've given your power away a bit.

Is what your doing passive? in hopes that you think she's just going to check back in?

Basically what you've said in the short paragraph above is, what you were doing was working for a time, but now its not, that she's taken advantage of you now, and you feel guilty about taking care of yourself due to your daughter? What are you doing for you?

Sometimes, ok always actually, you need to let your spouse fall all by themselves, your not helping you or her by trying to candy coat the obvious. Is it tough to watch them fail, sure. But you need to let her be accountable for her own actions, not be supportive of her choices when its wrecking your own self esteem.

I don't mean to be harsh here, but the reality of it is, she can be jobless, still party because you let her. Do you give in to your own fears of being alone, starting over because being treated like this is better? Is your self respect, confidence that broken?

How many of the 37 rules are you following? are you getting out and GAL'n? Do you ever say, hey I worked all week, you need to stay home and watch our daughter cause IM going out, if you don't want to watch our daughter, find a sitter.

You say you think she's more angry cause she's dependent on you? yet at this point your totally supporting her lifestyle. Are you sure this isn't you trying to control what little is left? That's really a question.

I think she knows how to make you feel bad/guilty, she knows you better than you think, you allow it out of fear, understandable, not sure what boundries your enforcing for yourself. But it looks like you don't have any right now. Maybe you need to make that a priority.

[2little2late]

Yeah, I know that you are right. What do I do though since she won't move out. How do I set boundaries? Especially since her biggest offence is withholding intimacy and affection. Other than that we are a normal married couple. I am not sure how to set a boundary for that.

[2little2late]

At some point is it ok for me to ask her what her plans are or to try and work on our marriage, maybe go to counseling? You are right our life is just too convenient for her to walk away from.
I don't want to continue indefinitely in a loveless marriage so when is it ok to ask?

[FlyOnTheWall]

I'm sorry I wasn't really trying to give you my opinion, I was seriously asking you to ask yourself those questions?

How do you feel about it, and what are you doing for yourself?
My only opinion is that you've let fear take over, I understand that, fear cripples us in many ways.

Fear in being alone, fear of rejection, fear that something is wrong with us, fear of saying anything to make things worse, it shuts us down in so many ways, that we become just a shell of ourselves. So much so that we become willing to be a punching bag cause its better than facing the world alone, and trying to start all over again. Does any of that hit home?

Your so busy trying to gain her respect in some way, that you don't realize you've become just the opposite in many ways.

The question phase, we've all gone thru it, my answer to that is you can ask all the questions you want, but you are NOT going to like any of the answers, and its probably going to make things much worse for yourself.

Your trying so hard to have a positive reaction to what she's doing, that you've completely lost your own identity. Who are you? are you happy? are you in a frame of mind that your doing things for you or just trying to not rock the boat?

You say things aren't going forwards or backwards, but the next sentence says she's out partying more? This is obviously a HUGE trigger for you. Your mind is running wild with ideas of what she could be doing. The people she's now surrounded herself with, which is very common to find people to enable your actions.

I think counseling is a GREAT idea, but for YOU only. I'm truly sorry, but in her mind there is no marriage, why would she need to work on that? I think approaching her at all would be a mistake in your mindset, your still trying to ask yourself how? why? when?. Sadly you may never get those answers.

You need to separate yourself from the situation, I don't know what you need to do for yourself to make that happen. I cant tell you if that's moving out, if its figuring out how to detach (which is always the best option but one of the hardest things to actually do), or ask her to move out?

Do you have a friend or family member that you've confided in? Are you just using these forums for your outlet? I see you have 48 posts, but only a few here in a new thread, try to stick to one thread so people can really follow the story easier. You will get a lot more advice if people don't have to jump around for certain information. Post on other peoples threads too, it will increase responses to your own.

I think at one point, and that point might even be now, you will probably need to talk to a lawyer, just to get some information, to cover yourself. It doesn't mean go and file, it just means your in need of some information. Your wife doesn't have to know you went, preferably not actually.

I know this is hard to swallow, but things are probably going to get worse before they can get any better. If she isn't trying to get a job, your going to need to start protecting yourself financially. If/when the time comes your ready to stand for yourself, she's not going to like it, the money then tends to start disappearing.

If you can afford it, the phone coaching sessions here are wonderful. I think maybe you need to write everything out again in this thread, give every bit of detail you can. The information at the beginning just isn't enough. How long have you been together, how long married, what do you think the issues are that got you here. What exactly did your wife tell you, what have you said/done since? Once some of the vets start chiming in, some are going to nurture you along, others can tend to break the 2x4 out and will be as blunt as possible.

Remember no one here is trying to beat you up, just get you to recognize whats happening. How you can proceed, and what you need to do for yourself. People here will try their best to help you try to save your marriage, but the reality of it is, better than half of marriages don't make it.

Have you read divorce rememdy yet? if not buy it, check it out at your local library, but get reading NOW.

[2little2late]

I have read all of the books and have implemented 180's, and gone dark as much as possible with out affecting my daughter.
I was in the newbies section for a while and thought that this would be the natural progression.
As far as me and my wife. It is like someone in a previous post once said, that DB'ing is not 1 size fits all. As far as my wife, she reminds me of the Martin Short movie where he wakes up every morning with a clean slate. The only difference is that it is only clean on the surface. She holds onto resentment underneath her facade.

[AJM]

That part about being married before. Falling out of love and back into it? Can you expand on that a bit, 2L?

While you do that, can you also stop talking about her so much and let's hear more about you and what you're doing these days? What you want when you're finished with this process? I'm a bit lost as to whether or not you want your marriage for you and for your spouse or for your daughter or at all. I'm also confused as to why you would want to stay married to her.

Can you help me figure that stuff out?

AJ

[2little2late]

I have had the feeling of not being in love with my wife before. We had come to a crossroad in our relationship and neither one of us were willing to budge. Bills were mounting. Work was demanding and all of our conversations seemed to end up in disrespectful arguments. It was a situation that made me question if we were not married would I be ok with that. And at that time in my life I was ok with that. I had so much anger towards my wife that I felt no love. In time thankfully we slowly grew close again and the feeling of mutual respect and love came back. I finally understood that for me Love was a choice and a commitment. But before the choice deep down we are compatible and have a good time together and share many of the same interests and values.
I think that my biggest problem since that time is my inability to communicate well and clearly with her. She has the same issues and it has been the cause of many road blocks between us. My feelings deep down have always been there.
As far as me, I work many hours each week. 75-90 hours a week. I don't get a lot of down time. I spend weekends home spending time with my daughter. This often includes my wife. I do not pursue, call and make small talk, ask about us or try and convince her that we are worth saving. I am up beat at all times and know that I will be fine if our marriage ends. It is not what I want though. I did not get married to get divorced. We have hit a major road block but I still want to be married to my wife. My happiest times together have been when we were into each other. I like being in love and feeling wanted by my spouse. There is nothing that I need or want to do with my life that I can't do with out being married.

[Cadet]

I have read all of the books and have implemented 180's, and gone dark as much as possible with out affecting my daughter.
I was in the newbies section for a while and thought that this would be the natural progression.

Welcome to MLC

Here is a link to your first thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...403#Post2368403

Not sure I have posted before but you may have seen my MLC welcome post with the homework and things to DO.

If you need it repeated let me know and I can put it on your thread.

Read, Read, Read you have lots of TIME so use it wisely!

[2little2late]

Ugh! I feel as if I am starting over again. Since my wife has surrounded herself with like minded, divorced girl friends she has plenty of support. I haven't given up my fight yet so if you some info in particular that you feel will help please point that out to me. I will look in the MLC area.