Dealing with Uncertainty...

[NeedingMore]

Kate's_place,

When you say carry on, do you mean as I was before the backslide? When things were ok?

I am not sure. You are so right about my walls. I know that this is happening to break them down, so I am really trying. My 180's have a lot to do with that.

Part of me worries that it is over for him...but he is in no way saying that. He is also not showing much interest now. So confused!

I am definitely talking this out here, getting it out of my mind.

I think I will go forward with my plan to ask him to the party, I just have to be mentally prepared for him to say no. Actually have no expectations, right?

All I am doing is planting the seed that I am GAL...because he literally thinks I am sitting at my moms house (where I literally have NO friends)doing homework on my computer. He knows I got a new job but it has been a LOOOOONG hiring process, so it will be a surprise to him that I started working.

Can I just mention that social media takes this whole DB thing to a new level? I think I may start a new thread about this. My BF is not on FB, but he is on Instagram. I can see when he "likes" something and if he's been on there and I hate it. I want to throw it out...but I can't, it's like obsessive, and I can see it being a problem for humanity in general!!

[NeedingMore]

Well, I did it. I texted him and said "Hi BF! Just wanted to see if you wanna come to the Christmas party for my new work? It's on Monday night."

No more no less. 2 hours now and no reply.

I decided to do this based on the fact they he may just say yes! Every time I have doubted him, he comes back with some reassurance..for example, I think he doesn't wanna see me and he does. Then we spend time together and it's amazing. Or he tells a mutual friend that we are just doing our own thing....I have not been bugging him or texting or anything so even if this is seen as pressure, I am following my heart. If he says no, my heart is telling me to let it go...I mean forge on with no more contact.

I keep thinking that he is DBing me successfully. He is doing what he wants, GAL without me and I'm wanting him.It feels bad, but this is so confusing because there is ZERO R talk. I feel like it seems here that I am chasing him...but I really am following DB well. Some things have worked very well so far.

Why do I still feel like my heart is breaking and sitting on the outside of my body? I am so sad, I don't think it's normal. I am lucky to have this new job right now, but the ache in my heart is very debilitating right now. I cry all dy. what is wrong with me???

This backslide has been really bad for me, regardless of what it did to "us". I keep wondering why it had to happen? I was feeling so string before. I was genuinely doing good...and now I feel like I am back to before square 1.

[JuneReN]

And you still are sliding lol!

GAL, by yourself. It isn't called GAL and text BF to see if he wants to come. This is to be good to you and I get that you want your BF back, we have all been exactly where you are.

But, if you do not do the work on you, start looking at your own life and issues, then if he did come back, the problems would all resurface because you would deal with them the same way.

Put the phone down. I f he wants to call you he will. I would not have issued the invite, it is a lot of pressure. Also the "I love you"

You have no idea what is going on in his head. If he says no to the party then that's the indication, that's the magic eight ball answer? Really? That's what we call a dealbreaker and that is the pivotal point on which you say you're done?

Zero R talk is fine. It's been a very short period of time

Your emotions will bounce around, that is why most of us recommend a physical GAL, very physical, running cycling etc etc. It stops all those thoughts from cycling. You can do this.

[NeedingMore]

Kate's_Place

Thank you! You are right! I was still sliding. And you are right about the fact that if he did come back it would all resurface. I have been working on me and I have not been this desperate the whole time. I think I just freaked out after that backslide because it was a reminder of how far I had to go!

I am actually loving the person I have become...and I read books, work on my spirituality, and am a very physically active person.

So, I think I had a bit of a revelation in the last 2 days.

Something different happened and I have had a mental turn around. I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and this was truly my first time GAL. I know it was work, but I have been out of work for awhile. It has left me with WAY TOO MUCH time on my hands and the ability to think about my SITCH and BF and stew in it constantly. Depressing, for sure.

In just a few short days, I have met TONS of new people. It makes me realize that there are many opportunities to connect with people besides BF. I have been living with my mom in a strange town where I know no one! My mom means well, but truth be told she is a very negative and grumpy lady. Love her, grateful for her, but the house becomes even more depressing because of this. Everyone at work is so nice, the staff are amazing and I have seen a few celebrities, which is always fun and exciting!

Anyway, after I texted him about the party, he didn't answer for hours. When he did I was at work. I couldn't respond for many hours...and when I finally looked at my phone he had texted a few times. He said yes, he would like to come. Of course I was relieved, but I had already started feeling excited about going, with or without him! This has been the pattern now for the last couple of days- he texts me and I am working so I can't answer. When I do, I am really nice, but a bit mysterious but not because I am trying to be. I am simply not worrying about what to say anymore. Gosh, I was being ridiculous! I feel so liberated!
Normally, I don't text back right away, but it's more like and hour...which is relatively quick as I see it now! Even just thinking about the way I would text and expect him to text back, then get upset (in my mind) if he didn't answer right away was nuts...

I was trapped in my own mind and I am seriously thanking the Lord for saving me with this job. People keep asking me how it is going and I am proud to say that I LOVE my new job...not necessarily because of the work, but because it has given me a new focus. For the first time since BF and I started having problems, I have gone 8 hours straight without thinking about him! It feels good!

I think it is so interesting how everyone complains about working...even if we love our jobs we don't always want to go. But, if you lose your job, and have a hard time finding another one, it is a VERY, VERY steep climb back up to find your self-respect and esteem. We do not have to be defined by our jobs, but without them we can get stuck. This is for sure what happened to me. Since I have been back to work for 3 days, I am already out of my funk and seeing that when I lost my job and BF and I were still together, he turned away from me. This is a huge revelation (although my friends and family have been telling me for months now!). He didn't do it because he is a bad guy, but he wasn't real supportive and I was pushy, thinking that if he could commit, we would be an ok team and get through it all. Bad combo!! I feel like for the first time I have let go of some guilt I had that I was solely responsible for messing up our relationship.

Anyway, I am good. I am super busy now!! I have a ton of schoolwork to do, and I have to get my kids from their dad's and I have to work! Phew! No time for BF drama now

I have zero expectations for tomorrow night. In fact, he is working and if he runs late I plan on going without him...because it is going to be fun and I don't want to miss it!

I really appreciate your input...this is why I came to these boards...to get snapped back into my reality! Thank you!!!

[NeedingMore]

Had a great time at the holiday party last night.

During the day as I got ready to go, I decided that I would not contact BF since our plan was somewhat in place. He texted me to double check the plans and called me sweetie, cutie and another lovey nickname...:) The latter was something that he has not called me for awhile...even before we split up. So that was nice. I have to say, my mentality has changed so much. I was not nervous to see him like I have been. I was not counting down the minutes, nor did I make a big deal in my mind about how it was all going to play out. I was very successful at having zero expectations. When he got home we changed for the party and I have to say, I nailed the looking hot thing! It was a 180 in a way because I never have a reason to get that dressed up! BF definitely noticed and complimented me a lot. The party was nice...we were late but it was good to show face and to have BF there because I am so new with the company I didn't know a lot of people. I talked with my big boss and bonded with his wife so that was good. It was good for BF to see what opportunities this new job has for me, and the boss's wife said the perfect thing to him. She was talking about her husband and how if it weren't for her, he would be 3 sheets to the wind. Then she looks at BF and says, "I look after him and you know what they say...behind every good man is an amazing woman! Remember that!" She even made him repeat it to her!! She has no idea how perfect that was!

During the evening we had good talks, took fun pictures, and he thanked me a lot for inviting him. He made many other positive comments as well.

I have a new inner peace. I can feel my confidence returning because I know I will be ok no matter what happens with BF. I have come a loooong way and still have further to go, but I have overcome a setback. I know now it had to happen so that I got rid of expectation and anticipating his actions/reactions.

I am going to move forward and let him come to me. He mentioned he was probably working for the remainder of the holidays...maybe his way of letting me know he was unavailable. Not thinking about it too much and I am just making my own plans for everything. The way I see it, he will be lucky to spend time with me, whenever it is!

[NeedingMore]

I don't think anyone is following my thread, but I will keep posting for personal journaling...

After the holiday party, BF texted the next day to make sure I made it home ok. A few texts back and forth and then the next day NOTHING. I have a hard time when he doesn't text for a day. I know this is ridiculous at this point so I am working on it mentally. One day is no big deal. I am not initiating, and have been super busy with the new job, and school and kids! It is a great thing! Work is awesome. A lot of exciting things going on there for the holidays! Love it!

At the holiday party we took photo booth photos and I left one on H's dresser. He texted to thank me for leaving him our "cute" pics. A few texts back and forth and then he asked me what I am doing for my b-day which is the 22nd. I said I wasn't sure and then NOTHING. I hate when he does this! He texts me then I answer and then I don't get one back. I guess it is because he used to text or call me back right away no matter what. So...I am trying to just be positive about what I get. Then I hear again from him the next day and it says "sorry, I meant to send this yesterday." I guess I am just thinking how hard is it to text me, did you not think about it for over 24 hours and just realize that you didn't text me back? I just think it is rude...so if anyone has a 2x4 here, I am happy to hear it. I guess I am just venting, and I would never show this irritation to BF. I am happy when I do hear from him, but my mind wanders like crazy when I don't. I am just getting mixed signals that are so confusing!!

Last night he texted about b-day again...and I was very positive..he said hes been really busy, and texted "I love you, goodnight".

Tonight he texted again about my bday and asking me about my new job. Maybe me GAL is working a bit??

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hi needingmore

I just read your thread. Keep posting for your own journaling purposes. I think people read a lot of threads without actually responding. Some people find comfort just knowing that others are going through similar things. At least that's what I do.

Good luck and keep your head up!

[Barrybran]

I'm early in my situation too but journaling has been helpful for me just to get thoughts out of my mind. I don't always get people responding to my posts but I did have someone assure me the other day that they were keeping up with my thread even though not much was being said about it at the moment. I'm reading your thread as are many people so keep journaling.

[NeedingMore]

Thanks guys,

Yeah, I know...that's what I do too. This message board is a life saver for knowing that we are not alone! I read thread after thread before I posted anything!

Sending good, positive vibes out to everyone.

Love too!

[Groov]

NM,

I am here You seem to be doing very well!!! Thank you for keeping up with my sitch.

Groov