I won't give up II

[Notlikingthis]

Bea and job,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I think letting him take the photos was a good idea. It has sent him on to the next stage in his journey. After tonight I realized that he is no where near being ready to come home. In fact, I think he is more tormented about his past than I realized. In particular the issues with his parents. We met at a local restaurant for a glass of wine. There was a lot of small talk for the first half hour or so and then he mentioned the trip that we made to visit his parents a few weeks ago. My FIL's health is failing and my MIL's health hasn't been very good for awhile now. It's just a matter of time before one or both of them will be unable to stay at home. We spent the better part of a day driving to see them, having dinner and then driving home. He said he was glad that we went and felt good about seeing them. That was then and tonight was a totally different conversation.

He has been appointed as executor of their will but they are very tight lipped about their wishes. It's probably not that unusual for people not to disclose the details but for my h, it's unthinkable that they would appoint him and then not give him any details. Tonight he brought that up again and said that it wasn't the right time to ask on this last trip but said that he would make a trip to see them again by himself and talk to them. He says he doesn't want to be the executor if he doesn't have any idea what he will be dealing with. Without giving details it will be quite a challenge if they've followed through on their plan from the last time we all discussed it. My h is not in a stable mental condition and he won't be able to handle anything as complicated as it will become. He may sense that and wants to opt out of that responsibility.

The conversation went from discussing their will to his lack of any feelings for them one way or the other. He said that "they've hung on long enough and it's time". He's said he is tired of having to deal with them and sees them as an obligation and nothing more. He said that he knows it sounds selfish but that's how he feels. I validated as best as I could but had to hold my tongue A LOT! I did ask him if he felt ANY emotions toward them at all. He said no, just that he wanted it over.

I stepped beyond where I should have and said that I hoped that he could resolve his issues with them so that he didn't carry them with him after they were gone. His response was to calmly tell me (with tears in his eyes) that he didn't feel guilty and that he was okay with the way he felt about them. I said that I knew that this was something that he has been dealing with for a very long time and that I know it hasn't been easy for him.

After another glass of wine (for him) he asked me if I've met anyone. I said nothing. He said I know that you're not in a place where you want to date. I chuckled and left it at that. He didn't. He said that he didn't mean to imply that I would be seriously looking but that he thinks that I should be out having a good time. Not sure where that was coming from and won't even try to guess what he was getting at. Maybe just the wine and loose lips. I left my phone on and it kept beeping so maybe he thought that it was my new boyfriend texting me. LOL

I looked at my watch a few times and said that I should get home. He said that he was glad that I came to keep him company. ???? Also told me that it was nice to have a Christmas drink together. (We had just talked here at the house on Friday and he's acting like we haven't seen each other in months.) So we got up to leave and he hugged and kissed me. We walked out to our cars. Gave me another hug (this time I got the pat, pat on back) as well as another kiss and off he went back home to the ow. From the conversation and things that he said I'd guess he's about half baked. I'd love to turn up the heat on the oven and speed up the process but as you 2 ladies pointed out, slow baked is always better.

In general, he's kept in constant contact. He's still texting and calling sometimes multiple times a day with very few days of silence. He told me on Friday that he would have some leisurely time at work between Christmas and New Year and wanted me to come to his office and have lunch with him. We'll see how he feels after his trip with the ow. That would be the Avoidance of Christmas trip coming up later this coming week. He said he'll be back on the 25th.

I've had times of feeling lonely while writing out Christmas cards, buying and wrapping gifts and keep wondering why I am here doing this alone. I knew this was going to be a very difficult time of the year but wasn't expecting the emotions that that have me looking for a fast forward button. I will get through the next few weeks one way or another. I will stay focused on the kids and family.

I'm blessed to have such wonderful children and extended family and of course all of my cyber friends here on this forum. I will catch up with you all and what's going on in the next few days.