Last night was quite strange to me. I felt almost as if he was here testing the waters. He started by asking me if he could put his truck in the garage now that there was an empty spot. Weird request but I told him that it was fine. We did what we use to do on a Friday night if we didn't go out. Had dinner, watched a movie and just hung out. I had a glass of wine with dinner as did he but then he kept on drinking until the bottle was empty. He drank too much or so he said and ended up spending the night in the guest room. Odd night but no r talk just a pleasant evening talking about kids and what was going with his work. He invited me out to breakfast but I declined so we had coffee here. As he was leaving he said, "last night was fun" and asked me if I had a good time. (Guess life is all about having a good time for mlcers. lol) So he hugged and kissed me and off he went.
Things I observed:
He was comfortable and very relaxed (even before the wine).
He was polite and gracious, talkative.
No cell phone calls or texts.
This morning he took a shower in the guest bathroom but came down to use the Master Bath for everything else.
When he caught me coming out of the shower he didn't turn and run in fact he made a suggestive comment and actually touched me as he walked by.
When I asked him if he slept well and he said on and off. He looked very tired.
I noticed after he left that the clothes arrived in were in my laundry hamper!!! WTF??? He must have forgotten that he doesn't live here anymore or is he marking his territory? LOL
Speaking of not remembering..he became extremely frustrated with himself when he couldn't find something that he had just put in his pocket an hour before and asked me if I thought he was losing his mind. (Nope, wasn't going there. Just sympathized.) He eventually found it. It had migrated out of his pocket and up under his sweater while he was on the floor playing with the cat.
Backing up to a week ago when he stopped by to pick up a few things. He made a beeline for the spot that we keep all of the old pictures. He dug through and found slides from when he was growing up as well as the pictures that he took while in the military. He couldn't find the slide viewer and was in a panic. I took a quick look around and couldn't find it either. He sat down and started looking through them showing them to me and telling me who, what and where for each one. He ran into a few when the kids were young. That started him down memory lane. He asked if he could take them.
Yes Bea and Job, I know I'll never see them again but other than the ones of the kids, I really don't need them. If they help him come out of the tunnel then I'd gladly give me every last picture that he needs.
Over the past few weeks he's also taken a few things of personal nature that belong to him anyway. He always thanks me for letting him take whatever it is and assures me that "they aren't going away forever". Subtle changes here and there that seem promising. At least for now.
He doesn't make comments about the ow as often as before. One comment that he did make made me smile (inwardly of course) was that "she should STFU and listen instead of talking all the time". If they are having issues, he isn't talking about it to me anymore. Maybe he's figuring this out on his own now. Keeping my fingers crossed.
He mentioned again that he would be gone for Thanksgiving and that it was probably for the best. Didn't ask what he meant. He asked what I was doing and I told him. Told him that his parents sent a card inviting us to their home for the day after Thanksgiving (as they have done for the past several years). He said that he wouldn't be back until Saturday. I asked him if he would call them and let them know but he never answered. Guess he's not ready to deal with his parent and his childhood issues quite yet.
I'm all over the place here, rambling on and on. I'll go get some much needed rest now.
Thanks for all of your replies and posts.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Yes Bea and Job, I know I'll never see them again but other than the ones of the kids, I really don't need them. If they help him come out of the tunnel then I'd gladly give me every last picture that he needs.
NLT you are dealing with all this so very well. I did give my xh all the family photos, many years ago, and in an odd way I do not regret it, even though I never see them. I have my memories, and I also have my kids around me on a regular basis. I think you did the right thing here.
As to the laundry, their subconscious doesn't always obey. Probably a bit of both - marking territory and slipping into old ways.
Your husband hasn't really fully left, emotionally, and you are doing all the right things to bring him home. Whether you want him back will be up to you, I suspect.
One thing I would say though is that unless he has dealt with his issues to some extent, he could always run again. That is a sober truth. These people are damaged goods, and walking timebombs. I have come to see that, and it is worth pondering what drew us to them initially . . . Now we love and cherish them as the father of our children, and we share a lifetime of memories and shared love, but we also put up with some pretty strange behaviours, telling ourselves, I think, that everyone is odd. I have come to see that while there is truth in that, the 'oddness' of a potential MLCer is probably more than it was reasonable at times for us to tolerate, and that we haven't always done ourselves a favour in turning a blind eye and making excuses. I failed to hold my xh accountable at times when I really needed to, and I wonder if this is true of you also?
NLT, I think your h was very comfortable being there last evening. I do think he may have been a bit nervous by him drinking a bit more than he normally would. I agree w/Bea when she stated that the subconscious doesn't always obey. Yes, in a way, he was marking his territory as well. LOL!
Now, about the photos. My xh wanted all of his childhood photos and military photos 3 years after he left. They want these photos so that they can sit and look at them and allow the memories to return. The childhood photos hold the key to him figuring out about his life. Some of them may have been happy memories...but many of them do want to relive those times and the only way to do that is w/photos and recordings. As for giving a 2x4 on giving them to him...nope...this is a whole different situation. He is traveling down memory lane and it's not because he wants to be selfish and keep them all to himself. This is part of the process.
My xh didn't deal w/his issues the first time he left and he returned for 7 months and then left again. Some will return for longer periods of time and then run again. They have to deal w/their issues or the reconciliation will fail and each time they leave, they become a bit more angry and destructive. Just my two cents on this subject.
I do think you are handling your situation wonderfully. You've shown him that your home is a safe haven and the candle is in the window to guide him home. However, if he says he wants to come home, he'll need to do the necessary work to win you back, i.e., your trust and loyalty. You've grown by leaps and bounds and he's going to have a whole lot of catching up to do.
NLT, you are the prize. Please do not ever forget that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I think letting him take the photos was a good idea. It has sent him on to the next stage in his journey. After tonight I realized that he is no where near being ready to come home. In fact, I think he is more tormented about his past than I realized. In particular the issues with his parents. We met at a local restaurant for a glass of wine. There was a lot of small talk for the first half hour or so and then he mentioned the trip that we made to visit his parents a few weeks ago. My FIL's health is failing and my MIL's health hasn't been very good for awhile now. It's just a matter of time before one or both of them will be unable to stay at home. We spent the better part of a day driving to see them, having dinner and then driving home. He said he was glad that we went and felt good about seeing them. That was then and tonight was a totally different conversation.
He has been appointed as executor of their will but they are very tight lipped about their wishes. It's probably not that unusual for people not to disclose the details but for my h, it's unthinkable that they would appoint him and then not give him any details. Tonight he brought that up again and said that it wasn't the right time to ask on this last trip but said that he would make a trip to see them again by himself and talk to them. He says he doesn't want to be the executor if he doesn't have any idea what he will be dealing with. Without giving details it will be quite a challenge if they've followed through on their plan from the last time we all discussed it. My h is not in a stable mental condition and he won't be able to handle anything as complicated as it will become. He may sense that and wants to opt out of that responsibility.
The conversation went from discussing their will to his lack of any feelings for them one way or the other. He said that "they've hung on long enough and it's time". He's said he is tired of having to deal with them and sees them as an obligation and nothing more. He said that he knows it sounds selfish but that's how he feels. I validated as best as I could but had to hold my tongue A LOT! I did ask him if he felt ANY emotions toward them at all. He said no, just that he wanted it over.
I stepped beyond where I should have and said that I hoped that he could resolve his issues with them so that he didn't carry them with him after they were gone. His response was to calmly tell me (with tears in his eyes) that he didn't feel guilty and that he was okay with the way he felt about them. I said that I knew that this was something that he has been dealing with for a very long time and that I know it hasn't been easy for him.
After another glass of wine (for him) he asked me if I've met anyone. I said nothing. He said I know that you're not in a place where you want to date. I chuckled and left it at that. He didn't. He said that he didn't mean to imply that I would be seriously looking but that he thinks that I should be out having a good time. Not sure where that was coming from and won't even try to guess what he was getting at. Maybe just the wine and loose lips. I left my phone on and it kept beeping so maybe he thought that it was my new boyfriend texting me. LOL
I looked at my watch a few times and said that I should get home. He said that he was glad that I came to keep him company. ???? Also told me that it was nice to have a Christmas drink together. (We had just talked here at the house on Friday and he's acting like we haven't seen each other in months.) So we got up to leave and he hugged and kissed me. We walked out to our cars. Gave me another hug (this time I got the pat, pat on back) as well as another kiss and off he went back home to the ow. From the conversation and things that he said I'd guess he's about half baked. I'd love to turn up the heat on the oven and speed up the process but as you 2 ladies pointed out, slow baked is always better.
In general, he's kept in constant contact. He's still texting and calling sometimes multiple times a day with very few days of silence. He told me on Friday that he would have some leisurely time at work between Christmas and New Year and wanted me to come to his office and have lunch with him. We'll see how he feels after his trip with the ow. That would be the Avoidance of Christmas trip coming up later this coming week. He said he'll be back on the 25th.
I've had times of feeling lonely while writing out Christmas cards, buying and wrapping gifts and keep wondering why I am here doing this alone. I knew this was going to be a very difficult time of the year but wasn't expecting the emotions that that have me looking for a fast forward button. I will get through the next few weeks one way or another. I will stay focused on the kids and family.
I'm blessed to have such wonderful children and extended family and of course all of my cyber friends here on this forum. I will catch up with you all and what's going on in the next few days.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
NLT, Being an executor of an estate isn't that hard for some. It's being responsible overseeing the estate, paying the bills, etc. Your h is very much aware of his state of mind and doesn't want to have to deal w/it. I also think that even though he feels that it's time for them to depart this earth, I do think being the executor would bring it all home to him that they are gone. He doesn't want that reminder hanging over his head even though there will be other reminders as well each and every day. He doesn't want to have to deal with finality of it all by being the executor.
The holiday season is an interesting time for the mlcer and the lbs. Your situation is moving along at a snail's pace, but I'd much prefer that because he's baking up slowly and exploring all avenues of his mind and his past. Hopefully he can resolve all of his issues in the coming months.
You sound good and I do hope that you can find some peace this holiday season. You've had quite the year.
I do hope that 2014 will be a better year for you and your family and that your h will slowly work his way home to you. He doesn't have a clue just how wonderful you are.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
NLT, good to see to post again. I was wondering about you. I’m glad you are staying focused on you and your family. Your H reminds me of a man who’s blog I read last year (it is no longer on the web), who went through his MLC. He said that he never stopped loving his wife, but wanted to spend time with OW, and he could not understand why he could not have both and he could not understand why his wife was not accepting this. He eventually came out of his crisis and reunited with his wife.
My H driving this direction and I’m preparing to see him sometime this weekend. I’m having a hard time with this. He also kept some contact, but we haven’t seen each other since May.
Job, it interesting comment that you would prefer the stich moving in a snail’s pace. My sithc is even slower than that, if it is moving anywhere, except toward the D.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, I would much rather the mlcer's crisis move at a very slow pace and he/she face her demons and heal than to have one of those hurry up situations whereby the mlcer, doesn't heal completely, wants to come home and then leaves again.
Healing at a slower pace is far better than trying to rush the watched pot to boil over.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I completely agree with you about watching the pot to boil. I just think sometimes that if my H is in MLC, he is moving so slow that he is never going to come out of it. Time will tell.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
