Learning from yesterday, Living for today!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Ambivalent

I am more driven by emotions. I tend to rely on others for a sense of safety and sense of belonging. I feel I would be happy with someone that would nurture me, day in and day out. Someone that would hold my hand and take care of me and just be there for me and spend time with me

This sounds like dependency.
There will be times when we need support, but nurturing day in and day out? This can be suffocating and is relying on someone to meet needs that you can meet!

I have this notion in my head of how I would like to be treated. I know sometimes I can be too dependant and it turns him off. I had a boyfriend once that just made me feel very special and I guess ever since then I felt I deserved to be treated the same way as I was back then. He held my hand wherever we went and was very chivalrous. He would hold doors open for me and I could just feel how important I was to him. He made a point of introducing me to his friends and including me and also made a point of getting to know my family. I guess it was young love!

I just like that when a man is chivalrous and just wish I had that feeling that he cared about my well-being.

who will make me feel special and include me.

Nobody can make you feel special , or make you feel anything. They may reinforce feelings you already have, or fears, insecurities that are within. This is something you may wish to explore.

You are right. There are certain emotions and feelings that must come within and should not expect him to meet all of my needs. There are, however, some things he COULD do that would help with my insecurities and feeling special. I suppose my problem is that I don't let him know what I need as a core need. Perhaps if I gave him that chance and let him know how I feel, now that we are on better grounds and working on things.

That I can laugh with and share my everyday life with.

Now this is something that can be achieved, but be more specific. Setting time aside to discuss the day is important to any relationship. Laughing with someone is very healthy, perhaps comedy clubs, or schedule time to have a super soaker war, laser tag, learn something fun?

Yes! I yearn for doing something fun. Something to shake things up a bit!!

. I want him to be affectionate, and compassionate and I would like him to care about and consider my well-being. He tends to not take notice of what my core needs are, although I have tried telling him. He is more looking for freedom and independance and

What is the exact type of affection you desire? Have you said I would like...xyz, and then let it go? I'm feeling I want a hug, I want a kiss? I'm feeling randy, I want to make love or give you a ....? Are you expecting him to read your desires, needs, your mind? This is where you need to be specific! Men like to fix, remember? This is something that can be fixed!
For if you are vague and expect him to "know", you will always be disappointed. He will never feel he can win with you, and this will lead to him not trying. It leads to shutting down and frustration.

Ha, funny I told him today that I would like more affection but then, like you mentioned, never told him what I meant by it. I would like to be hugged upon meeting and leaving. I would like random kisses/hugs throughout the day. I would LOVE to hold hands once in a while, although not sure if that is ever gonna happen! He is not a hand holder. He is 14 inches taller than me and says it's awkward for him, although I think he just doesn't like it! I would like to cuddle w/o it having to lead to anything!

He is more looking for freedom and independance and the more I need/rely on him, the more he resents me. How do we get past that???

What type of freedom? What type of independence? What do they look like to him? How does he define this?
I asked him today to clarify that and he didn't really know the answer, I will have to explore that farther. Because how can I work on helping if I don't know what he is referring to? I feel that he has lots of independance while he has a family with 3 kids and he is living somewhere else, but he must be referring to something.

...compassionate and I would like him to care about and consider my well-being...

What leads you to believe that he doesn't feel compassion for you? Why do you feel he is not considering your well-being?

I feel that he constantly shuts down my ideas and opinions. To me this means that he does not care about my feelings and well-being. He doesn't quite understand what in life makes me happy, because it is not the same things as him, and he writes it off. Or tells me I shouldn't feel a certain way, that I am wrong to have certain feelings. To me, decorating is my passion, and working with my hands to create art, and painting. When I mention getting a job to do something I enjoy, he shuts down my ideas or when I mention painting my girls bedroom he immediately dismisses it. He doesn't understand that my being able to express my creative side in that way brings me so much joy and passion in my life. Because, if he DID see that, why would he shut my ideas down?

That's how I see it anyhow. I know that a part of it is that he worries about money.

When you say you want to be " taken care of ", it sounds like you want a daddy. Was your father there for you? Did he neglect or stay emotionally distant? Was he and enabler? Did he give you everything you wanted? Did he shower you with love, or did he withhold it?

My parents were always there for me. They were both there at every soccer game when I was a kid and every dance recitle. My dad I was not very close with but I was very close with my mother. They gave me a lot of things, but I wouldn't say I was spoiled. I had a pretty good childhood. I would say that my parents were a lot more involved in my life than my H's parents were involved in his. In my family it was just me and my brother so we got a lot of attention. My H came from a larger family and I think he was given a lot less attention, no doubt that is why he is a lot more independant than I am.

Resentment comes when one feels dismissed, not heard. When they think they have accommodated and not gotten what they need. When they stuff down what should be spoken to avoid conflict or fear expressing anger.

When this happens it is difficult for the one resenting to feel empathy for the other. They are overwhelmed with the feeling of resentment . They do not feel validated.

This can lead to withdrawal or behavior that is covert and damaging.

That is spot on. He felt not heard for years and just completely shut down. Then I wondered why he wasn't there anymore and seemingly didn't care. That makes sense to me that he was not able to feel empathy, due to all of those feelings of resentment. And it just ended up making me feel empty and alone. We both ended up withdrawing from each other and wondering what the heck happened. It is starting to make more sense now that we have all of the missing pieces of the puzzle..