Im so conflicted. I know that to DB I have to be ALL IN. And emotionally I am. I am thinking about acting AS IF. but not real clear on it. I am acting as if I am happily moving on with my life with or without him. The happily part is the big act of course because inside I am sick.
I know that my not contributing financially is the biggest reason for his falling out of love with me. So, to correct that I am finding a higher paying job(s). I am having some success too , it looks like I can nearly double my income. I would love to be able to hand him the money every month to ease his burden, and to show him that I CAN do this.
BUT. Im afraid because the fact is, he may divorce me anyway & Im absolutely going to need that money for my daughter and I to move on.
I am in the process of establishing credit in my own name, completely without him. So, i had to start with a secured credit card, did that. Im told I should take out a secured loan (with my own money) and pay that to establish credit. I can do that. I could do it with my daughters tuition. Im thinking of asking my husband to put one of the bills in my name, so that I can pay it and use that as well. That might kill two birds with one stone - eastablish some credit, and show him Im particpating financially. I could ask him, dont know if he will.
So, there is my conflict. Open to suggestions here.
Meanwhile, he was just slightly friendlier yesturday than he has been the past month since Bomb Day. But thats not really unusual, weve been friendly roommates for awhile now. It does feel like the anger in the house has dissapated somewhat. Relief on his part maybe, effort on mine, and my daughter has chosen to take the high ride and try to be civil.
My mistrust and suspicion of him , although no doubt deserved - became obsessive for me. If you read my first post in this thread you will get the idea. Not only did I check up on him, but it was always just there simmering. And I hated it, i hated it about myself. I used to be so self assured. I think he felt violated but resigned to it.
I still have access to check things like his cell phone bill. And I have done so recently, wondering if someone else was part of this divorce plan. But I know I have to stop. Should I tell him to change his password?
For one, it would stop me from aggravating myself and wondering about each text message. And aslo, it would show him that I agreed it was a problem and I want it to stop.
I personally believe that it would be much better for you if you could find the self-control & conquer this yourself without needing him to change his password.
Changing his password makes it easy for you to stop, because you have no choice, but doesn't really beat the urge you are having deep down. I think it's just as important for you to deal with that self control issue which would be achieved more effectively coming from your own inner strength rather than from him changing his password.
Just my opinion.
Me: 34, Wife: 34 Son: 2 Married: 8, Together: 14 Wife moved out 8/25/2013 Divorce papers received 01/10/2014
His birthday is Monday. I asked him if he wanted to do something, like dinner, with me. I said it felt more awkward not to do something than to just do what we usually do. He said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, and wold let me know.
His hurt my feelings and frustrated me.
I think I will just get him a card, nothing sentimental, and leave it in the morning.
My daughter and I are going to his family XMas party this weekend with him. His family doesn't know he is planning divorce. It is especially hard on my daughter because we love his family .
She said its lke having cancer and not telling anyone. She is 17. Im worried about her. She woke up angry this morning. I have not told her I want to save be marriage. But I am modeling strength and positivity.
I have a physical and drug screening Friday for he job I have been offered. I am concerned that the anti depressant I am on will hurt me.
Developing your "no expectations" muscle is key to this process and is healthy for any R.
You have no control over how he will react to things so let it go. Only do things you really want to do, don't do things for effect or pressure or pleading.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
just a couple of tips gained through experience....
I use a site called "Credit Karma" to help me track credit progress- im up over 100 points in 7-8 mths
Have you read the sticky "Sandi's rules"- please refer to it often, it will help you
Stop snooping. If you continue it will only hurt you more and more
Get that job and save that $$$- none for him
Go out with your friends on his Birthday
act "as if" its over and start moving on- he has alot of work he needs to do. In the meantime focus 100% on you and your daughter- The only 2 people that matter right now.
if these steps feel like they are the complete opposite of what YOU think you "should be doing"....your doing it right.
Keep posting
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I'm so heartbroken. This is horrible. I went Christmas shopping alone and had to leave the mall. I'm ok when I'm with others. I'm not ok alone. I just don't know if I can do this. I can't get away from myself, I can't stop the pain.
I attended his family Christmas party with him last night. It was so hard, hugging them and being with the kids and MIL whom I love so much....knowing as I said goodbye that its possible I will never see them again.
I did it, but I drank too much and was all tears and drama when we came home. I have got to stop this behavior, he hates it.
He told his Mom today that we were divorcing , so ...
I still have some hope. Could use some encouragement.
Hugs. Your situation is very new. It could go a lot of different ways. Take the course that is the best for you. You showed a lot of dignity and class at the family Christmas party, and to release some emotion afterward is completely understandable. Where else can you do that, if you don't want to offend H with it? Have some ideas. You feel a lot right now, and need to express tears and drama, but not to H, right now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
