It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[Fight4MyWife]

Why would you agree to W leaving? That's nuts.

I think because by leaving she has broken the patterns that were happening and made me realise how she was suffering in the marriage. She wasn't able to communicate that to me in words. Also so she knows I don't blame her or think she is bad for what she has done but that I don't agree that she should leave permanently & give up on the marriage.

Wonka, I also think that I should point out my wife is living with our son at her parents house and I am living in our house on my own, she wants me to move out so her and my son can move in.

[SemperFi00]

Fight, have been following your sitch and feel your pain. Been there and done that - making many mistakes along the way but still standing........

Support from this board and the wonderful vets taking time to provide guidance and thoughts is great! Tough to hear and internalize sometimes but very valuable.

Stay Strong!

Possibilities for the "reasons" she has for her feelings right now:

1) You are a poor H and she wants a D.

2) You are a great H and she wants a D.

3) You both have your faults and she wants a D.

4) She went crazy, or is having a MLC, or some PTSD, or an A, or a combination of these things, and she wants a D.

My W is questioning the faith that she partially led me to believe in, questioning the job/calling we invested our lives in, questioning the friends she has had for years because they are not enabling this, questioning the goodness of our M, questioning any ounce of love she might have for me...

My point is, it won't ever make sense completely. She is on a journey, which has forced you to realize you are on a journey. I'm saying this partially for myself, but all we can do is take this train ride of self-improvement and awareness, and give her space to take her own train ride. The ticket she buys might end up in Crazyville, or it might end up back in Marriageville. Guaranteed it will have many stops before the destination. I don't really want to be on that train until the engineer sobers up, ya know?

Very succinct S4tk. Great post!! Kicking myself over and over again to make sure that I remember this.........

[S4tk]

I might be missing something, but your stance on the house probably makes her feel completely trapped financially.

[Fight4MyWife]

I might be missing something, but your stance on the house probably makes her feel completely trapped financially.

Yes this is probably true S4tk, but the point is she has chosen to be in that situation, it was her decision to leave & it is her decision not to come back & live in the house with me.

She has the opportunity of having an amazing, loving marriage with me, I am a good person. Why she would choose separation & court action over that baffles me. I am would love to understand her reasons.

[melissag]

She has the opportunity of having an amazing, loving marriage with me, I am a good person. Why she would choose separation & court action over that baffles me. I am would love to understand her reasons.

I think most LBSs think this way. But honestly, do you want to know her reasons? Do you think there is any chance you would agree with them? She obviously doesn't see the opportunity of having an amazing, loving marriage with you. She sees something else that makes separation preferable. It $ucks, but there is nothing you can do about it. You can't argue with her - words are not going to talk her out of this. So stop trying to figure out what she is thinking, and just work on you.

[SemperFi00]

She has the opportunity of having an amazing, loving marriage with me, I am a good person. Why she would choose separation & court action over that baffles me. I am would love to understand her reasons.

I think most LBSs think this way. But honestly, do you want to know her reasons? Do you think there is any chance you would agree with them? She obviously doesn't see the opportunity of having an amazing, loving marriage with you. She sees something else that makes separation preferable. It $ucks, but there is nothing you can do about it. You can't argue with her - words are not going to talk her out of this. So stop trying to figure out what she is thinking, and just work on you.

Fight, sorry that you find yourself here and experiencing what you are going through. I can certainly relate - have bee there (still am at points I think) myself.

You are getting great advice from folks here - even though it may seem counter intuitive. I know from experience it is sometimes tough to hear - and even harder to implement but it will help you get to a better place.

Stay strong!

[Fight4MyWife]

Decided I would try something a bit different & pull back a little, but think I may have come across a little cold.

Yesterday I was already feeling pretty low & deflated & then I was waiting outside for 15 mins to pick my son up because my wife was late, so I wasn't very talkative, I just got my son & his stuff in the car & left.

I have always been very pleasant & upbeat for at least the last 2 months & I am a typical sort of "nice guy" really, I am always the one making conversation etc. I was thinking if I was to pull back a bit and bit a bit more "bad boy" it would be something a bit different for me.

So when I dropped my son off today I didn't really say a word to my wife, I just handed his bags over, handed him over and walked off saying "see ya".

I think it maybe came over a bit cold though, oh well.

[melissag]

So when I dropped my son off today I didn't really say a word to my wife, I just handed his bags over, handed him over and walked off saying "see ya".

I think it maybe came over a bit cold though, oh well.

Ummm. Yeah. I think it probably did!

You don't need to be rude. In fact, I would say that coming across as cold or rude is one of the worst things you can do - it just gives her more ammunition and reminds her why she wants to get away from you. (Also, you don't want to do this in front of your son - you want him to see that you two can get along.)

You want to show her happiness. You don't have to kiss her ass, but be pleasant bc you're just a happy person, and this exchange doesn't bother you. (I am sure it does, I can't stand it myself, but that's not for our spouses to know.) I don't even think you need to make conversation, just say hi, maybe chat a bit about your S, then say ok thanks! bye! And smile.

I know, you can't win here, can you?

[Wonka]

F4MW,

Here's a light bop on your head. It came across as a form of "strategy" to get X, Y reaction from your W. How's that working for you so far?

You can be polite without being cold or coming across as a "nice guy." A 'nice guy' would bend over backwards to cater to the W and whatever she requests of/from him.

The actions above will leave the distinct impression to W that you are "angry about something." That will most probably be how she viewed it.

Get a grip on your emotions as they are certainly driving your actions.

[Fight4MyWife]

F4,
What would it take for you to stop spinning, worrying, obsessing over your W or can you right now?

I have been thinking about this for a few days & I really don't know if I can.

Whenever I am doing what I am supposed to be doing (DBing etc) it is just an act, it's not genuine. I am just going through the motions.

People say you should do it for yourself & become a better person with or without your wife, but I don't want to be without my wife, all I want is my wife back so I don't think I can stop spinning, worrying, obsessing over her.

Get a grip on your emotions as they are certainly driving your actions.

Yes my emotions are certainly driving my actions & they always have done.

I am a very emotional person, I get very sentimental & nostalgic about things. Even when me & wife were together I was very emotional & my emotions would drive my actions.