W found out an old girlfriend on my Facebook from high school that I dated was separated. The XG is very pretty, makes good money, has a cute little boy, and she makes funny comments on my FB statuses some times. I think I probably haven't talked to her in 7-8 years, and haven't seen her in probably 15. But, I really didn't care so I unfriended her from my phone to make W happy. Or so I thought.
Yesterday, W found out she was still my friend (because my phone app stinks) and lost it. Told me I was keeping a "honey" on the side, and I had lied to her, etc. I told her it was ridiculous, and unfriended her from my PC right in front of W. I hadn't even thought about it since then. Anyway, I left kind of frustrated. I mean, I'm not the one who had the A!!! But the next morning, I bought her a dozen roses and surprised her at her work (I'd never been before). I walked in and she was walking down the hall, and just stopped in her tracks with her mouth open. Then I took her to lunch, and she apologized for overreacting, and said she was just jealous. In the past, I would've scoffed and gone on about my business, and it would have been yet another wedge, but I'm trying to change that dynamic. W told me when I left, "This makes me feel loved."
As far as the current situation, my biggest problem right now is struggling with my two kids; they were badly hurt by W's actions, and do not want us to get back together at all. I think they WANT things to be good, but fear W will go back to being the evil step-mother. She was pretty bad too, but I believe things are different in her.
All kidding aside, have you had any therapy sessions yet? If so, how did it go?
Do you think you are able to get over the A and not become a jealous type yourself?
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
But the next morning, I bought her a dozen roses and surprised her at her work (I'd never been before). I walked in and she was walking down the hall, and just stopped in her tracks with her mouth open. Then I took her to lunch, and she apologized for overreacting, and said she was just jealous. In the past, I would've scoffed and gone on about my business, and it would have been yet another wedge, but I'm trying to change that dynamic. W told me when I left, "This makes me feel loved."
Superb stuff. Learned something great here.
You did something sweet for W even though you are not in the wrong and W eventually apologized for being difficult. Win-Win for everybody. That's pure DB.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
You did something sweet for W even though you are not in the wrong and W eventually apologized for being difficult. Win-Win for everybody. That's pure DB.
It sounds like JonF may have discovered her Love Language.
Jon, have you read The Five Love Languages? If not, I suggest you add that to your list behind the DB books.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Nice job Jon!! Yes she may have overreacted, but what really matters is her feelings and to HER it was a big deal. The only thing you might have done differently is this:
"I told her it was ridiculous"
Don't do that, you're negating her feelings when you do that. Do give her reassurances, but remember to validate! "You sound angry, I'm sorry that you feel that way. It was really a misunderstanding, watch and I'll de-friend her now." Something like that. But the flowers were a nice recovery
It is very common for an unfaithful partner to have a lack of trust with their reconciled spouse over all the same guilty acts that they participated in themselves. It's frustrating, but you just have to grin and bear it. I know a woman whose H had an A. He never became a WAS, but after the A was exposed and despite the fact that she remained faithful throughout, he started constantly accusing her of the very things he had done. Incredibly, he even wanted her to get tested for STD's before he would have sex with her again, and she did it (I can't tell you how wide open my mouth was when I heard that). Did he get tested too? Nooooooooo. I don't know if he'll ever realize what an angel he is married to, the woman is incredible.
Just popping in to say hi, still incredibly busy. Hoping this project wraps up end of January as is scheduled so I can breathe a little!
I appreciate the comments and words, will try to address the current situation and questions:
The good: The A - yeah, I'm over this. It rarely pops into my head, and typically only in situations where W gets mad about the XG who I haven't spoken to in 8 years, and I just have to chuckle at the irony of it all.
W - the WAS fog is truly gone. She still has all of the "new friends" completely blocked, OM hasn't been mentioned in over a month, she hasn't gone out drinking/partying at all, and she really only calls or texts me. I can pick up her phone, and read any email, text, Facebook message, etc.
The D: the final dismissal was entered on Friday!
Me - I am doing so much better. I was on a roller-coaster ride during the S and then the anger from the A, but now I'm doing great. I catch myself mid-sentence sometimes knowing that what I'm about to say is either going to hurt W or cause problems. If W is doing something that is affecting me or the kids negatively, I'll start it out with validating that I know she's fearful, but it is not OK to speak to us inappropriately - but I'm here to support her and share the burden. I respond to her being grumpy with a hug and a cup of coffee.
I've become the spouse only a fool would leave!
The bad: No counseling - still trying to figure out my insurance, but every time I can call, they are closed, or the claim wasn't submitted. I just keep calling and trying.
W - even though the fog is now gone, W is still who she was before the bomb. It doesn't matter how calm and loving I am, whether or not I bring flowers, no matter what happens, she finds something to be angry and bitter and nasty about. She has had some ridiculous blowouts, but at least has admitted she needs anger management issues. It's weird because she will technically state that she WANTS to be different, but she just has zero control of her self or her emotions. Like she literally can't stop herself; it's odd.
The ugly: She has gotten so bad so regularly, that I have just stepped back and said, "I have no idea why you're so angry, and I wish I could help you with it, but if you don't want to work through it at this time, then I'm going to give you some space. Please call me if you want to talk." Just to continue my changes, Saturday night I took over a little bottle of this stuff she likes to put in coffee - it was a new flavor that she mentioned she wanted to try. I just said, "Was thinking of you, so here's an early Christmas present, love ya" - and I left. She just said, "That's all you're here for? Thank you." Probably a 2 minute exchange.
Since Friday afternoon, not a single text or call or anything from her, when normally she is always calling and texting to ask me to come over.
Still, I'm OK. I went to church by myself, feeling somewhat awkward since W had made such a big show of wanting us to stand together, but I wasn't down or sad. I feel good about me, about my work, my kids, my friends, and my spiritual life is getting refocused. At this point, I really don't care what W does; not in that I don't care about her or love her, but I'm not going to force anything until she's ready to be the wife I know she can be.
Jon, I think this is overall a good update . . . yes?
The part I liked the best was the D being dismissed. Because that says that, while things may not be perfect now, the two of you are headed in the right direction to get there, and that your W is willing to do the work rather than just try to escape.
I am glad that YOU are doing so well . . . I hope you can get your W into counseling so she can get to where she needs to be as well.
Hang in there, you are doing great!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Jon, I'm so happy that the D was finally dismissed.
My thoughts on the W still behaving pre-DB is that she is dealing with heavy feelings of guilt and anger. I think your answers to her are quite awesome. She needs to continue to see that you have really changed and it will stick. Even though we all know you have!!!!
Don't get frustrated with her behavior, you are doing awesome in dealing with it. This helps us all to see that MUCH patience is still needed even when on the path to reconciliation. I am glad you continue to post!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
This is a looong, hard path. Can't expect WAS to turn around in 4 to 5 weeks as I've seen some post here whining why the WASes aren't back home after joining the board a month or so ago.
