Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Hiya everyone! Just wanted to thank everyone for your continued support and your really thoughtful posts to me. Wonka, you'll be happy to see I'm posting an update without one of your sweet reminders that always makes me smile. I really would love to see your part2, what the MLCer is going through when you have time.

I've been having some anxiety/panic attack "flashes." Little, weird things trigger me. I'll touch H's leg in the car, and have this flash image of one of the OW doing that. Or we'll get off the freeway exit, which would be near where one of them lives. The triggers don't affect me as much as they did when we first started reconnection, but they are still paralyzing. They give me that flight/fight, and I just want to get away from him. But he is trying and I feel like he is putting his whole heart into this.

I'm frustrated and angry when I have these negative feelings and emotions. I feel like the anxiety issues are there because there is this new, exciting, passionate relationship, but there is a destroyed relationship that is still a part of us, and we're not talking about that. There is still the timid part of this new relationship, of being shy, and not putting too much out there to scare the other person, but that is also mixed with the pain and the hurt and the betrayal of the old relationship. It makes things very jumbled and confusing. When things happen, or when there is a lack of something happening, is it because of A or B? And not just him, me too. Am I doing X, because of A or because of B? I want it to be right. I want to trust my feelings towards him. I want to trust his feelings towards me.

S9 told H that he overheard me talking to someone and that he thought I was going on a date with that person. H told me, and was smiling and teasing, but it really upset me. Just the thought of it, that my son would think that. H told me he will stop teasing me about the guys who are flirtatious towards me, which he has done in front of the kids. After this encounter, H was super aggressive, affectionate wise. I never told him who I was talking to or why. He didn't ask, but I just I told him I couldn't tell him. (It was to do with a Christmas present for H.) He knows I haven't done anything like that.

H apologized for being grumpy about taking the STD test. I didn't think he was. I thought he was anxious and embarrassed. I'm just glad it's done and everything is good and clear. I know dealing with any of the reality and fallout of things he has done is not going to be pretty, for either of us. But if that is what he calls grumpy, I think we will manage just fine, whenever the heck that happens. I know I just want to get it over and done with. Get it done with means I can stop thinking and anticipating it. But at the same time, I know I'm not at that place yet and neither is he. So when I get those feelings, I try to turn them off by thinking about all the positives.


The Positives: I can't believe I'm HERE! I can't believe that year ago I was THERE and now I'm HERE! When I started journal and reading about MLC, I thought, "a year." It's going to be a year of Hell. Based on him, and what I've read, and comparing this to that, it's going to be a year. Telling myself, "Just know it's going to be horrible and he is going to be gone for a year. Get on with your life." But I would have never admitted that in a post. Could you imagine the onslaught of "expectation 2x4s" I would have received from that line of thinking?

But, that line of thinking got me out of bed every morning. That line of thinking got me out of his way. That line of thinking got me to the "Get busy living" cause I'm not going to "Get busy dying." I had to get the hell out of his way so he could see for himself, that this wasn't to do with me. If I hadn't done that, I would still be on his roller coaster. He would still have me to blame. I would have wasted a year of my life, swinging between depression and trying to fix him/us, all the while neglecting me and the boys.

As time went on though, I dropped that mindset of "a year." As time went on, the more I found out, and the more I really started thinking and planning for a life without him. Right before he moved back, that was the point the "faking it" moving on and life without H, became the "make it." That was point I reached my "done." That was the point I was 100% okay with D and moving on. There was no game. It wasn't a tactic to wake him up. It was a decision I was making without regrets.

It was shorter than a year, seven months he was physically gone, but even when he was back, it was still four months before he even start to be "there." That was a lot of time to work on me. That was a lot of time to focus on the boys. That was a lot of time to not have to worry about and work on a relationship. There were a lot of things that I did during that year, focused on, and worked on--I don't have time for them now. Take advantage of that time now. Because when you get to this point, you don't have the time to work on "you." That time is gone. This is the point you need to have already done the work and be ready to put that work into action.

I really feel like the massive and positive improvements I see in H is a result of my example. He is following me. He has even verbalized it, things that he likes and admires about me. And a lot of those things are "fake it til you make it." Even now there are "fake it til you make it" moments. Even now there is still so much work I need to do, he needs to do, we need to do. I would really be drowning in it if I hadn't done so much work before this point. I wonder if he would be as great even now if I hadn't done so much to improve myself before. Would the light he is following be as bright? Would that hinder his potential or rather make it more difficult to achieve a higher quality of character if my bar and example were lower?

It was hard to be there all the time when he moved back in. To be on point, shining, and happy, and positive. Bouncy, fun, and alluring. It was easier to run away, and I did run away, several times. When it got to the point the negativity and hurt was too much to keep back, I would leave. But I felt like my positive attitude was very attractive to him. I feel like I won him back. My loving, non-judgmental, compassionate, accepting character. I feel like he fell in love with me all over again. I felt like it was always me he wanted, but there was so much pain inside him, he couldn't deal with someone else who was in pain too. He couldn't be there for me. He still can't.

I told him a few nights ago that I was having a hard time with some things. He said not to. That we are in a really good place. Better than we have ever been. He said, "Don't you think we are in such a good place?" And I said "No, there are things I am struggling with and trying to deal with and it's difficult when there isn't any communication about them. And you just want to bury them." And he agreed. He said we are so good and that those things will never happen again. I said I am worried that by burying everything we will end up there again. He said we will never end up there again. That he is so happy now and that he will recognize his depression if it comes on again and we will be able to stop it and take care of it before it ever reaches that point again.

I felt like he needed to know why I get distant sometimes. I think he just wants me to be happy all the time. He doesn't want to see me hurt. He doesn't want to have anything remind him. He can't even be honest with himself about the past right now, let alone honest about it with me. There is no point in talking about it to have to revisit it again. But at least I did get some communication about what he is feeling and thinking about "us." He is not going any where.

Yesterday, he told me "I love you." It was as he was leaving, and I was half asleep. So I had that perfect, romantic response...I said, "What?" He repeated it and I said it back. And that was the first time he said it since Christmas 2012.