Don't Break Character

[BrightFuture]

Raine, this is a beautiful update. I’m so grateful that you are posting these details about your journey. It gives me hope.

All our friends told my H that he was lucky to be married to me. He was happy to hear that at first, but the last few years before the BD he just went silent when somebody said that.

I thought I had everything in my life under control. No need for patience, because I could control it all. I thought there was always a way to get what I wanted, if I just put in the effort. There was a lack of appreciation. I took too much for granted. I've looked at life from both sides now. I can feel things for other people now that I never could before. And that is intense and powerful and beautiful and sweet, all at once. I woke up. Parts of me that I didn't even know existed woke up.

This ^^^^^. I felt the same. I still have lots of work to do though.

Wonka, why do you say that Raine’s H is not fully baked yet? I don’t quite see it this way.

[Raine]

BF I think he has a long way to go. I do too. We together have a long way to go. It's like the start of a new relationship.

He has not come to terms with all he has done or what put him into crisis in the first place. He hasn't faced the damage he has done and the people he has hurt. He wants to sweep it under the rug. He has lots of quirky, weird little things, things that make him feel "secure" or "separate" like his own clothes hamper, his bags still lingering in the closet, things he needs to get rid of. He still has ties to all the OW. He still has all of them on FB, except the one I told him to remove. I haven't' said anything about the rest. He has not come clean about a lot. I know a lot more than he has admitted to. He won't go back to counseling. He doesn't want to talk about us, or acknowledge us, talk about our R or that we even have one. He doesn't wear a wedding ring.

There is quite a list there and quite a bit more I could add.

[BrightFuture]

Raine, thanks for the explanation. I think I jumped to your latest updates too quick and missed some of the older once. Your sitch looks a lot like some others I’ve read about on this site, I mean the reconciliation part at least. And most of the once I read about made it through. I guess it is truly one day at a time. I wish you a lot of patience.

[ForeverYoung]

Is he committed to making the M work? Are you? That right there is the key. Once you have that the rest is just details.

[Raine]

I am, but I always was. In his mind, I truly doubt he even thinks he is working on the relationship. There has been no discussion of it. His actions are there. His actions show he is more committed now than he ever has been. But, whether he realizes it or admits it to himself, that is another question.

[Feenix]

I don't believe that God pulls strings and throws havoc into my life. But He was there. He wasn't the cause of it, but he was the one who helped me fix it. Fix me. And the hardest thing was realizing that and giving it to Him. To be able to say, "I can't fix this. I'm giving it back to you and I'm not going to check up on you to see how you're doing. I'm just going to be patient and trust." To not give up, but to do everything I could, and still be okay with the outcome.

I thought I had everything in my life under control. No need for patience, because I could control it all. I thought there was always a way to get what I wanted, if I just put in the effort. There was a lack of appreciation. I took too much for granted. I've looked at life from both sides now. I can feel things for other people now that I never could before. And that is intense and powerful and beautiful and sweet, all at once. I woke up. Parts of me that I didn't even know existed woke up. The Raine then didn't know that this Raine was even possible.

I know what Hell is like, because I've been there. And I can survive it. I know now I can survive anything. I don't fear. The pain that I went through then is part of the happiness now. I would not trade who I am now for anything then. Because I don't think I could get to here without that. I don't think I would have done the work without that. I give myself the credit. I did the work. I didn't sit down. I didn't throw up my hands and say, "God, do your best." No, I did the work, but He was there, always, in every way.

Wow. Just wow. You blew me away with your honesty and beauty of spirit.

Good luck to you as you continue your journey!

AngR

[Wonka]

Yuppie, BF...Raine is correct in affirming that her H is not fully baked yet.

Mind you, BF, he has already graduated from Easy-Bake oven to Junior Masterchef. Not quite yet at the Iron Chef level. Not by a long shot! He needs help from Julia Child.

[BrightFuture]

I see it now, Wonka. I’m not really good at this baking stuff, LOL. It was just my wishful thinking…

[Raine]

Hiya everyone! Just wanted to thank everyone for your continued support and your really thoughtful posts to me. Wonka, you'll be happy to see I'm posting an update without one of your sweet reminders that always makes me smile. I really would love to see your part2, what the MLCer is going through when you have time.

I've been having some anxiety/panic attack "flashes." Little, weird things trigger me. I'll touch H's leg in the car, and have this flash image of one of the OW doing that. Or we'll get off the freeway exit, which would be near where one of them lives. The triggers don't affect me as much as they did when we first started reconnection, but they are still paralyzing. They give me that flight/fight, and I just want to get away from him. But he is trying and I feel like he is putting his whole heart into this.

I'm frustrated and angry when I have these negative feelings and emotions. I feel like the anxiety issues are there because there is this new, exciting, passionate relationship, but there is a destroyed relationship that is still a part of us, and we're not talking about that. There is still the timid part of this new relationship, of being shy, and not putting too much out there to scare the other person, but that is also mixed with the pain and the hurt and the betrayal of the old relationship. It makes things very jumbled and confusing. When things happen, or when there is a lack of something happening, is it because of A or B? And not just him, me too. Am I doing X, because of A or because of B? I want it to be right. I want to trust my feelings towards him. I want to trust his feelings towards me.

S9 told H that he overheard me talking to someone and that he thought I was going on a date with that person. H told me, and was smiling and teasing, but it really upset me. Just the thought of it, that my son would think that. H told me he will stop teasing me about the guys who are flirtatious towards me, which he has done in front of the kids. After this encounter, H was super aggressive, affectionate wise. I never told him who I was talking to or why. He didn't ask, but I just I told him I couldn't tell him. (It was to do with a Christmas present for H.) He knows I haven't done anything like that.

H apologized for being grumpy about taking the STD test. I didn't think he was. I thought he was anxious and embarrassed. I'm just glad it's done and everything is good and clear. I know dealing with any of the reality and fallout of things he has done is not going to be pretty, for either of us. But if that is what he calls grumpy, I think we will manage just fine, whenever the heck that happens. I know I just want to get it over and done with. Get it done with means I can stop thinking and anticipating it. But at the same time, I know I'm not at that place yet and neither is he. So when I get those feelings, I try to turn them off by thinking about all the positives.


The Positives: I can't believe I'm HERE! I can't believe that year ago I was THERE and now I'm HERE! When I started journal and reading about MLC, I thought, "a year." It's going to be a year of Hell. Based on him, and what I've read, and comparing this to that, it's going to be a year. Telling myself, "Just know it's going to be horrible and he is going to be gone for a year. Get on with your life." But I would have never admitted that in a post. Could you imagine the onslaught of "expectation 2x4s" I would have received from that line of thinking?

But, that line of thinking got me out of bed every morning. That line of thinking got me out of his way. That line of thinking got me to the "Get busy living" cause I'm not going to "Get busy dying." I had to get the hell out of his way so he could see for himself, that this wasn't to do with me. If I hadn't done that, I would still be on his roller coaster. He would still have me to blame. I would have wasted a year of my life, swinging between depression and trying to fix him/us, all the while neglecting me and the boys.

As time went on though, I dropped that mindset of "a year." As time went on, the more I found out, and the more I really started thinking and planning for a life without him. Right before he moved back, that was the point the "faking it" moving on and life without H, became the "make it." That was point I reached my "done." That was the point I was 100% okay with D and moving on. There was no game. It wasn't a tactic to wake him up. It was a decision I was making without regrets.

It was shorter than a year, seven months he was physically gone, but even when he was back, it was still four months before he even start to be "there." That was a lot of time to work on me. That was a lot of time to focus on the boys. That was a lot of time to not have to worry about and work on a relationship. There were a lot of things that I did during that year, focused on, and worked on--I don't have time for them now. Take advantage of that time now. Because when you get to this point, you don't have the time to work on "you." That time is gone. This is the point you need to have already done the work and be ready to put that work into action.

I really feel like the massive and positive improvements I see in H is a result of my example. He is following me. He has even verbalized it, things that he likes and admires about me. And a lot of those things are "fake it til you make it." Even now there are "fake it til you make it" moments. Even now there is still so much work I need to do, he needs to do, we need to do. I would really be drowning in it if I hadn't done so much work before this point. I wonder if he would be as great even now if I hadn't done so much to improve myself before. Would the light he is following be as bright? Would that hinder his potential or rather make it more difficult to achieve a higher quality of character if my bar and example were lower?

It was hard to be there all the time when he moved back in. To be on point, shining, and happy, and positive. Bouncy, fun, and alluring. It was easier to run away, and I did run away, several times. When it got to the point the negativity and hurt was too much to keep back, I would leave. But I felt like my positive attitude was very attractive to him. I feel like I won him back. My loving, non-judgmental, compassionate, accepting character. I feel like he fell in love with me all over again. I felt like it was always me he wanted, but there was so much pain inside him, he couldn't deal with someone else who was in pain too. He couldn't be there for me. He still can't.

I told him a few nights ago that I was having a hard time with some things. He said not to. That we are in a really good place. Better than we have ever been. He said, "Don't you think we are in such a good place?" And I said "No, there are things I am struggling with and trying to deal with and it's difficult when there isn't any communication about them. And you just want to bury them." And he agreed. He said we are so good and that those things will never happen again. I said I am worried that by burying everything we will end up there again. He said we will never end up there again. That he is so happy now and that he will recognize his depression if it comes on again and we will be able to stop it and take care of it before it ever reaches that point again.

I felt like he needed to know why I get distant sometimes. I think he just wants me to be happy all the time. He doesn't want to see me hurt. He doesn't want to have anything remind him. He can't even be honest with himself about the past right now, let alone honest about it with me. There is no point in talking about it to have to revisit it again. But at least I did get some communication about what he is feeling and thinking about "us." He is not going any where.

Yesterday, he told me "I love you." It was as he was leaving, and I was half asleep. So I had that perfect, romantic response...I said, "What?" He repeated it and I said it back. And that was the first time he said it since Christmas 2012.

[job]

Raine,
The three words that so many would want to hear from their spouses...you have heard! This is wonderful and I am so very happy for you!

Look how far you have come in 12 months! You've had so many ups and downs and your h has been on his own coaster as well. My dear, your life's story isn't over yet and there will be many more happy chapters to share and write about as you and your family continue to grow and learn from each other.

Put your faith in the man upstairs for he has given you both a second chance. Use the skills you've learned wisely and make this a new and improved marriage. Always remember to grow, learn, listen and keep an open mind. Keep those changes going and try not to fall back into old habits.

Raine, you are a inspiration to all that come here to read your postings. Keep up the good work! Miracles do happen, especially when you have faith in yourself and the man upstairs.

Merry Christmas! It will surely be the best one yet for you and your family.