Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

H home for lunch today. Minimal contact. He told me to check on how much Christmas tree is at the nursery. I sent him the price from their ad.

He sends me a message: "I'm gonna try to take a 30-60 minute nap alone, don't bug me, seriously. We might get a tree when son gets home. Leave me alone please."

How much would I have loved to lay down and have a nap with him? SO MUCH. More than sexy stuff I think at this point... that is how badly I have been sleeping.

I told him I would leave him alone. Now a lawn crew is using leaf blowers across the street... so much for rest.

I am just going to tell myself that today he NEEDS rest, and if I went and laid down he would't have rested, he would have been too aroused. PMA.

[BrightFuture]

Tiger, he run out of the kitchen yesterday because you brought up a touchy subject. Yes, his life is getting more complicated between his house and OW. I’m sure she started to put more demands.

He is pretty much exhibiting a teenage behavior. I think your smart/sarcastic comments are not doing you any good. I don’t know. I’m curious to read the vets opinion on this.

[Pudmuddle]

I agree BF, he is acting like a sulky teenager, not getting his way with both of them so he is hiding out.

Tigerlil, you seriously need to lay low right now. I know it's hard since you have to share the car, get money and talk about S. But I think you should allow H to have complications with OW, then it will be over that much faster. Not that fast in our time warp means fast. Withhold the comments if you can. Only talk about logistical things. I know it's hard, but you CAN do it. He is running because in a sense, you are pursuing. Start retreating and he will pursue. I know you know this.

Hang in there sister.

[tigerlily78]

Well, after the nap he invited me upstairs. I should have said no, but didn't. We had a nice time, but I accidentally left a mark on him. I guess the lack of self control is contagious.

We took son to get a tree this afternoon. Argued in the car because I thought he was driving extra recklessly and didn't manage to express it nicely enough.

I am a total B*tch. Have *always* been a b*tch. Funny with all my b*tchy history he has to keep bringing up the same 3 or 4 things from the past all the time and then immediate things that really aren't so b*tchy... Like reminding him I don't think it is appropriate or respectful for him to leave evidence of his other relationship in the car (travel coffee cup with lipstick stains today, ugh).

You are probably right that I need to STFU. But in a way I can also see how the mask is cracking. He can certainly try and pretend that life is still awesome and fun, but it isn't. I guess I do need to be careful of giving him ammunition, because he WILL use it to blame me.

I was reading up some more on the end of replay and avoid/escape on a few different sites. So yes, I guess I need to tread more carefully now. The path and the doubts are sown. I need to be more patient.

PATIENCE. PATIENCE. PATIENCE.

I have been sleeping so crappy, I think that is part of my problem. I get easily fed up and crabby when I am not rested. That bottle of wine may evaporate this week so I can test if it helps me sleep better.

[2Times2Many]

Tiger, I agree with Pud. If his life is getting more complicated, you need to stand down a little. If things are not quite so rosy with OW, make them more rosy with you and S. Be the "greener grass" and the person he would never want to lose.

Hang in there. You can do it!

[tigerlily78]

Well, I tried to stand down and that worked for all of like 15 minutes.

I made him lunch, brought it to him. Asked if I could have a pillow back that he brought to his den the other day (I asked via a message 2 or 3 days ago, figured he forgot). He got super pissy about it. I explained that I asked before and was just reminding.

He threw the pillows out of his den (more than the one I asked for) and then knocked part of his lunch off the plate. (That was my fault too somehow). I told him I was sorry he messed up his lunch, and I didn't mean that he had to give me the pillow IMMEDIATELY, just to let him know I wanted it back... that the pillows seem to help me sleep a little better.

He ranted and complained some more. I told him I was sorry he was in a bad mood, but I didn't feel like I was actually the cause of the mood or his unhappiness.

He went and took a shower and then left, even though he knew I needed the car today to take son to a camping thing. He sent me a message after he left that said he "won't accept being in the house with me bitching at him as much as I have been."

I pointed out that he wasn't punishing me by leaving, today he was letting down his son and that it wasn't too late for him to turn the car around and do right by our son. I sent several other messages that were not nice, just honest. That the difference between him being at OW's place and home, is that he treats her nicer than he treats us, and she doesn't have the burden to know or accept the reasons she has to be upset with him. I do.

Also followed up on a previous comment he made weeks ago that if "things work out with OW, that he will really believe in God." I said "God" is love and compassion, not infatuation and lust and lies and selfishness and abandonment and neglect... Any God worth believing in would never endorse or divine the decisions and behaviors you and OW have chosen. That I don't know how he can even stand to be with and sleep with the woman who helped him trick himself into thinking throwing his life and his family away would make him happier. That all being with her has done is complicate life and distract him from confronting what's really bothering him.

Too much truth. Probably so. If he wants to pack his bags tomorrow, then I will be quiet and get out of the way. But I think as much as he wants to run away, he doesn't want to live with her. And there is a reason for that.

[tigerlily78]

Son was quite disappointed. He was looking forward to going out to the campsite this afternoon to hang out and "do boy things"... it also may come back to hurt him in counting towards his participation for his leadership position.

We ended up decorating our Christmas tree to make good use of the afternoon. Still, feel very bad for son. I am sure H has constructed his version of events which makes this my fault. *I* made him get showered and dressed and pack a snack and grab the car keys and leave the house and disappoint his son with the power of my voice.

I also wonder/worry if H is going to run out and buy something that son sort of halfheartedly said he wanted for Christmas to appease H and have a connection with him... son tells me he wants family/party board games and co-op games to play, because he wants things to go *together* with us. It makes me so sad for him. He wants to bring us together, but it is outside his power.

[job]

Tigerlily,
He was having a very bad day and true, there's no excuse for bad behavior, but when you reminded him again about the pillow, that was the last straw for him. As for you @itching at him, I didn't see it, but he may have thought that was what you were doing. It may have reminded him of what his mother use to do to him as a child. No one can read their minds. I certainly hope you left the mess he created when he knocks his lunch over.

He appears to be having some issues w/the ow or everything all total. It could be withdrawal, they had a fight or something else...but whatever it is, his mood isn't a very nice one these days. Maybe he's hoping you'll get tired of him and kick him out. He could be like my xh and acted out and threw tantrums just to have an excuse to leave and all the while you will get tired of it and show him the door. Unless you are ready to do that, I would back off just a bit and allow him to fume in his own juices. If he wants to leave, he can leave on his own steam and not yours.

I'm very sorry about your son's disappointment, i.e., not being able to go to the campsite. It's a real shame because his participation could have gone towards his leadership position. I'm glad you had some other things at home that you son could work on w/you.

Please don't take on the blame for your mlcer's behavior. He is a grown man and should be able to control his temper a bit better than he has. Your "voice" was just an excuse for his leaving...nothing more.

I do hope things will settle down for you and your son. Please try to step back just a wee bit and give him space. Please dig deeper for more patience and understand that the pressure within him is building and he has no "outlet" to blow at, but you and your son. I don't want to see either of you destroyed emotionally, especially w/the holiday season upon us.

Take care.

[Pudmuddle]

^^^wise words from job. tigerlil, he is finding any excuse he can to be mad at you, so stop giving in to that behavior. The more things you try to do for him out of the goodness of your heart, the more it will get stomped on. They want us to take the action, such as kicking them out, or showing our anger with them so that will give them even MORE of an excuse to leave and say they are done. Please try very hard, harder than you have ever tried to stop doing things for him and stop talking to him about anything R-wise. This will push him away and is pushing him away. Let him take care of his own moods and deviant behavior, it is nothing about you, it is all the turmoil inside of him. He is ill in a sense.

I'm so sorry that your S was so disappointed by him. That was very juvenile of your H to disregard the priorities of your S. Your H doesn't want responsibility right now. I'm curious, do you have any friends that could have picked you two up as a favor? Just a thought, or maybe a cab ride. I know that would tickle the money situation but you need to do what you need to do. It is not all about H, as much as he thinks it is.

Stay strong tl, please, for your own sanity.

[Whiterose]

I'm sorry for your S TL not good of your H at all. Pud makes a good point-was there another way, for next time he pulls a move like this?

Your a kind and caring person but he's hurting you with it TL......see if you can maybe turn that care around to you.

take care of yourself hun