SM34's Post

[SM34]

Suckerpunch it is exactly what my DB coach thinks is gong on. My wife told me at the very first day that our marriag lacked passion. She said she needs passion in her life...

Before BD ML probably once or twice a week. She was very focused on whether I would initiate or not and also how routine it was. I was under stress and I wasn't being mindful of her needs in this respect, so it made her vulnerable.

At BD she was running fast and told me to throw her stuff away if I wanted because she wasn't coming back.

But she soon realized that OM who lives a long drive away (1.5 hours) was not going to be moving to our city as he promised, and that she wouldn't be moving there.

Also she has told me herself that he plays video games all evening and she often gets bored there. He's not into politics and stuff we are into, so for example during a state of the union address by president, my wife spent the whole thing messaging with me on what was going on.

I caught a lot of flack from the folks here on the board for that. But my DB coach saw it as a positive. She was choosing my company even in his presence. And it would contrast on her mind our similarities with their differences.

She started off going twice a week for two nights at a time. It quickly dropped to once a week for two nights. Lately its been once every two weeks, and the last time was three weeks apart. Also she left supposedly for two nights but then messaged me that she was back home after only one night even though they had been apart for three weeks.

That is another thing my DB coach was watching for. Frequency length and time between visits. So all three of those have dropped significantly. Also the importance of visits. She used to just decide it was time to go and would drop everything. Now if its inconvenient for D3 care, she doesn't.

So there is definitely some chaos in her head. You don't trash your marriage because sex once or twice a week is not enough and then settle for once or twice every one to three weeks. And all the time keep pursuing your ex husband with vacation invites, dinners, outings etc.

Melissa I know exactly what you are saying about self respect. I am very concious of that and try to keep my self rspect as much as possible. We also have a difference in our sitches because the sexes are reversed. Men can avsolutely ML and have sexual energy for multiple women at the same time, and so I dont think its advisable or beneficial to be sleeping with yiur H as a way to keep him from seeing others.

But women, especially ones like my wife cannot carry on two sexual relations simultaneously. Before her EA turned to PA she said she was done with our marriage and there was no sex after that (I verified through snooping on her messaes that they had not made it a PA yet). So my coach was saying if you can get her to feel some sexual attraction to you, you will cause a lot of confusion. If you actually managed to have her ML to you, you would probably throw her entire existence into a tailspin.

At the risk of seeming naive and sounding like I am under estimating how done my wife is (I've been told I do that sometimes) I would say this...... and this would probably be my objective analysis to someone else if they had my EXACT sitch....

I would say it seems she is not convinced of OM, but at the same time and more importantly doesn't see the change she needs to see in the marriage in order to believe that a NEW MARRIAGE WITH ME WOULD BE BETTER THAN THE OLD ONE (borrowed from 25yearsmlc).

And that's where my efforts to draw her in come in. Thats where the financial sitch comes in because we didn't havr money to have fun, and more importantly she saw what financial stress did to my sex drive. This is where sexual desire and making her FEEL desired comes in.

And frankly over the past year I haven't done any of that. Havent gotten a grip on our finances, or made her feel desirable. I've demonstrated bravery in the face of finanfial diiculty instead of being a mess all the time, and she has noticed and commented on it...

But she cannot know that a new marriage would not be passion starved as the old one was.... and that's a big challenge on my part.

So i get what yoi are all saying. And i don't want to seem naive. But I see lots of positives in my sitch compared to others I read. And I've come this far and been this patient. I would hate to screw it all up now just to make my ego feel better...

If and when she makes a mve towards R, there would be chances there to get my hurt pride massaged a little by her.

Does this make sense or am I completely lost lol