I validated from the moment he got up.. started with the hug last night..how that made him uncomfortable.. I apologised..
I validated every chance I got. he kept saying it was all water under the bridge and then coming back to the old issues- Australia, half truths about things, not liking his new town and the constant pressure to improve things and possessions He felt uncared for and unloved I believe. The validating was working I think.
He said our marriage is like burnt earth for him- nothing to recover. I said I agreed that there were so many issues that I did not want to try and repair it. He looked. I said I want to start a new marriage, that I felt like a bush fire had been through me and left scorched earth but there were little bits of new growth.. different from the old.
He acknowledged thatI had a different attitude to people and wanted to know why. I talked about rethinking and re evaluating after the conversations we had had. How the things he had said and the decision he had made were so big that of course it led to thinking and reading and soul searching ( I did not say praying-he does not pray) I acknowledged that my negativity and speaking without thinking were major problems, as was my need to control and manage everything.
I told him about my new mantra.. I can only control myself and had to use that a few times when the discussion became emotional and i would say I need a time out for 10 to pull myself together. he was much better without me sitting there crying.
I guess we talked for about 3 hours. We kept coming back to the marriage is over for him. He said he could see I disagreed. He asked what I wanted and I said the direct opposite of him, to be married and committed and happy together.
He said a few times he did not think that would work for him, that he wanted to look after himself have no pressure no limits and then asked what did I want. I stuck to my being married but validating his opinion. that so much control from people made him feel pressured... I then suggested was there a middle ground for us.. something that was not committed forever but some sort of trial.
His big issue is lack of trust which I validated. We talked about trust not just being there but having to be built. He said he did not think that would happen. I asked what conditions did he think could be put in place to see if i could rebuild trust and at the same time keep him from being hurt. He wants his own space and time he says without limitations from anyone.
So he has gone back home to think about his conditions.
I suggested we could begin to try and live together in summer , that I had been offered ( well almost) a new job over in his part of the country. He talked about where did I want to live and about how I wanted a big house. ( which was true before but I have had a reassessment of values) I said I could live in his one room apartment.. he said that would be the end of us .. not enough room.
He was talking about buying a house and how he knew I would insist we buy a house but I said I thought while we were figuring things out we should rent and have separate bank accounts and share the costs until we see how it all works. It took me 2 tries to get him to understand I did not want to buy a house.
He seems to remember all the things I have said over the years and had trouble hearing that I now thought other things were more valuable. He said I was the Fishermans Wife and I agreed and validated ( how that must have been pressure)...said I regretted that attitude..and was now working from another place.
I also said that I would have conditions.. he did suggest we get divorced and then try living together again... I just left that one..
I have agreed that if we can not build trust between us then we will finalise everything after a year..Not sure if that was a good idea but I did want him to now i understood his position and would not ignore his wishes..
This long conversation was not my plan. He was the one who brought up divorce as a word but did not seem to have thought through how that would look. He seems to want no pressure or commitments.. or to be beholden to anybody ( except he is beholden to the OW it seems at times) .
When he asked what I thought, I could not say I agreed... I am sure I should not have negotiated but being open and not trying to manipulate and saying honestly what I thought- without crying.. he seemed to be listening let's see what happens when he gets home remembering the believe nothing of what they say..
