Am I ? Is he ? Why ? Punishers , People Who Express and Punish.
"What is passive aggressiveness?
What are the typical reactions to my passive aggressiveness? What irrational thinking keeps me being passive aggressive when I disagree with others? How can I recognize when someone is being passive aggressive with me? How can I confront a passive aggressive person? If I find myself being passive aggressive, how can I correct this? Why is it useful to eliminate my acting passive aggressive? Steps to eliminating being passive aggressive.
What is passive aggressiveness? I act in a passive aggressive way when I:
* hide my hostility by seeming to be nice to someone I dislike, and am unable to be honest with the person.
* say I agree with something but don't follow through because I really don't agree with it.
* act opposite to what others are expecting.
* quietly manipulate to get my own way after voicing a completely different opinion, just to keep the peace.
* seek revenge by agreeing and looking "good,'' but never following through on my promises.
* tell people what they want to hear, even if I don't believe in what I am saying.
* try to please people by agreeing to their plan of action, yet actually doing the opposite.
* act one way, which is true to my inner feelings, yet say another.
* am out of touch with my inner feelings; the only way to know how I feel about something is to observe my behavior, don't trust my words.
* hate something or someone but am afraid of letting my true feelings show.
* feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when I really don't want to.
* avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, then procrastinate and never do what I agreed to do.
* am angry but afraid to show my anger, so I quietly take my revenge by doing the opposite. "
How To Break The Cycle
" You don’t need to know the exact definition of passive aggressive behavior to recognize it. Because you’re not just looking at symptoms in what the other person is doing -- you can also pay attention to what you experience. There’s a certain way they say “Yes” that makes you crazy. Because you know they don’t mean “yes”… but how can you argue with somebody who says “yes” to you?
Passive-aggressive behavior in married couples is the topic of many comic strips and sitcoms. Typically, passive aggressive men are shown hidden behind their newspaper, muttering “Yes, dear” without paying attention. Or: passive aggressive women are shown outwardly complying with their husband’s wishes, only to thwart them as if by accident. Or: one spouse uses silence to control issues...
Dealing with passive aggressive people can be crazy-making. You feel dismissed, shut down, ignored… but in a subtle enough way that you don’t know how to react. At some point, you explode. Over time, this can turn into a vicious cycle: passive aggressive behavior begets anger and finger-pointing, which in turn begets more passive-aggressive behavior. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to break the cycle?
Stop thinking of it as a deficiency of your partner (and your partner alone). Instead, think of it as a dance that the two of you are involved in.
Among the causes of passive aggressive behavior is fear of conflict. The more your partner sees you as a formidable opponent, the more they’ll take what feels to them like the cautious approach: they won't be confrontational, they'll hide their true feelings even from themselves, they'll try to get on with the program... and they'll end up being passive-aggressive.
As this happens, you feel increasingly irritated. You get angry, and they perceive as increasingly formidable... So their aggression gets even more buried, and manifests in more hidden ways...
Lead by example: Take responsibility for your own actions. Admit your role in the dance--the ways your partner may feel intimidated by your more overt aggression. Commit to making it safe for your partner to express anger (I say "express", not "act out" anger).
In the long run, bringing out the issues and feelings in the open will help you deal with them squarely.
What I'm talking about is "cleaning up" the communication: making the hidden aggression visible, so that the real underlying problems can be addressed instead of being hidden behind the ongoing frustrations of passive aggression.
Creating a climate of safe and open communication within your couple can go a long way toward changing the pattern of passive aggression, on the one hand, and anger and blame on the other hand. "
Both of us have passive aggressive tendencies. Both of us fear confrontation, rebuke, and abandonment...
Looks like some growing is in order! This will be painful, but I believe a necessary step in my personal healing.
I also need to help my girls with this too! His siblings also have issues with this. My oh my what a wonderful mess in which we live!
This is something I can work on...expressing disagreement, and anger. Also, being more approachable, open to dissent and disagreement.
And the growth begins...
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
