Fog City Coaster - trouble hanging on

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Time for a new thread. Here is my old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...417#Post2410417

Will update my sitch in my next post.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I am never totally sure how much of a back story to give when I start a new thread. I have been here for a while.

Over the past 10 months since bd w has peeked thru the door several times (metaphorically) and just when it feels like she is in reach she disappears again.

Most recently w wished me happy birthday in mid November and asked me to have drinks with her only to apparently forget the night we were supposed to go.

She said she wanted to give me a rain check, but she is always busy with work and seemingly not around on the weekends.

She didn't respond to my happy thanksgiving text.

I had a bit of a backslide the week after thanksgiving.

I woke up in the middle of the night frustrated and text her: "time for something different"

That text of course made no sense. She responded the next morning "???"

I responded "for example different registration stickers on your car"

I have a bunch of her mail including her car registration. I know that was a bizarre response from me. I guess I am kind of losing it.

She responded by basically telling me I am a weirdo, but said she wanted to stop by to pick up her mail. This was Two Fridays ago. She said she was coming by to get her stuff but didn't follow thru.

This past Wednesday she tried to make contact to pick up stuff several times but I was busy all day and said she could come by on Thursday. She said she would catch me next week. So she is apparently gone for the weekend again.

That brings us up to date.

[2ndTimeHurt]

I haven't read about your whole sitch but based on what you wrote, she sounds like the master of flake.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I usually don't like to point out my w's faults; I can't change her; I can only change me. She doesn't want the pressure of having to be reliable except to her work. Early on in our relationship she struggled quite a bit with the idea of having to call if she would be late at work. She got better with that but never perfect. So her flakiness is part of who she is. Maybe something she could work on with the help of counseling if we were ever to start a new relationship. That is getting way ahead of where I am at. And again I want to focus on me and my actions here.

[2ndTimeHurt]

So because you know she is flaky, do you take it personally when she flakes on you?

This is something that I'm trying to put a positive spin on. I know we all are trying to focus on ourselves and detaching, but sometimes when we know certain behaviors about our spouses, it helps with detaching.

I don't know if I'm sounding vague or even making sense, but when I apply it to my sitch it makes a lot of sense.

I guess sort of like a close friend who is known for being a flake. You don't take it personally(at least I don't). So if you don't get upset or take it personally its a positive.

If I'm guessing correctly, it seems like you don't put much stock into her bailing on you all the time.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Damn I've been wondering about you lately. How ya doing buddy.

I'm pretty much in the EXACT spot you are. Our BD's even started within a week of each others. And we're the same age. Too much. lol. Maybe you need a trip up here to Reno, but not with all this damn snow. We haven't been above freezing in about 10 days now, its a real morale killer sometimes.

What plans have you got for xmas?

I know the holidays seem to add just a bit of added tension in our lives. At least we do it to ourselves. ok, maybe just me.

I know I've about given up all hope, and moved on to just grieving I guess. I'm not quite ready to date, maybe after the new year, but figure that's my next step. Wheres your frame of mind?

Anyways friend, I hope all is well with you. You seemed to be struggling just a tad your last few posts. That's ok, it still doesn't mean anything one way or the other, we put too much stock into all of it sometimes. I think you thought your wife was more or less involved in something long distance, mine too.

Just out of curiosity, have you checked out the dating scene at all............scary!!! I discovered it def. not something to rush. I'm not ready yet, period.

I have to tell you, I haven't dated, but had an old friend come into town, that really was pushing me for more, I told her I just wasn't there yet. But I was excited to see her. Her divorce was two years ago, it was amazing, we talked for 3 weeks before she came down. But the person that showed up was completely different. Talked about how she burned all her ex's clothes up, stalked him for a while. Bitter bitter bitter. Her life was in absolute turmoil and she was still going backwards.

I know im doing pretty well during the days, evenings. Its when I go to bed, my mind takes over I guess, I cant remember the last time I've NOT dreamed of my wife. I have no idea how to stop it either. Do you have that issue?

Hope to hear from you soon, I've high jacked your thread enough. lol

[2ndtimearoundCA]

What you're saying may be partially true in my situation. I have not felt anger toward my w since early on. So I am able to detach from getting upset with her directly, but I get frustrated with my situation all the time. I am definitely not an expert at detaching.

I have not found a way to entirely detach and still hold out hope.

[FlyOnTheWall]

I hear ya, I just don't have any anger left in me, for anyone/anything.

That pure detachment is the mother of all, even the patience thing I've got down now. Putting them together?

I guess it all falls back to that "time heals all wounds" thing.
Time is our answer, sure wish it would speed the heck up, lol.

I realized no matter WHAT I did, she took it as pressure. So I stopped everything. I'm not sure its helped the situation, but its certainly helped me.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Hey fly, thanks for stopping by!! (My previous response was directed at 2ndtimehurt's questions) I will stop by and check on your sitch.

I will be spending the holidays in North Tahoe (the family vacation home) so I am actually close to you. Somehow I thought you were much further east. I will be putting my kids on a plane out of Reno on XMas day to be with their mom.

I started dating at the end of March. Way way too early. I wanted to cut out the grieving time. I thought about how things went for my previous D, and thought I could avoid the grieving period. I realize now that is really not possible. It just takes time.

I stopped dating around when w agreed to go on the Vegas trip that never happened in July.

I will respond to your dreaming question in my next post...

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I do still have trouble sleeping from time to time. It was a dream about my w that prompted me to send the "time for something different" text at 3 am.

Made spence to me at 3 am... Bad idea.. Anyway

To clarify my sitch a bit more... The last time I actually saw my w was when we had dinner together October 15. In the following week I signed her up for her license renewal course. Things seemed good that week. We had fairly regular communication up until Halloween when w started ignoring my messages. I was feeling pretty low when w responded to one of my messages from a few days before and then she sent me the birthday text and asked me to have drinks with her (Mid November). I had a day of hopefulness followed by more disappointment.

Whatever is going on with her, she doesn't seem to have time for me right now. When she contacted me last week it was more business like. She just wanted to grab stuff and go. I wasn't available. I may see her this week if she gets her stuff; I may just leave it where she can pick it up.