If you can't afford your home and bills without your cheating wife's income, you should probably start thinking about where you can live more affordably.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Since I started down the road of cheating country songs, a better song is by Sugarland - "Stay". I think it paints an incredibly accurate picture of the emotional progression that you are going to go through. It is pure torture.
Save yourself the pain and move as quickly as you can to the final Stanza. It is time to get off your knees, stop accepting crumbs and be the man that I know you are. You don't have to live this way.
Here are the lyrics.
I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call It's just another call from home And you'll get it and be gone and I'll be crying
And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave But I'll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve Oh, for the next time we'll be here Seems like a million years and I think I'm dying What do I have to do to make you see she can't love you like me?
Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need? When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah
You keep telling me, baby there will come a time When you will leave her arms and forever be in mine But I don't think that's the truth And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting It's too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need? When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay?
I can't take it any longer but my will is getting stronger And I think I know just what I have to do I can't waste another minute after all that I've put in it I've given you my best, why does she get the best of you? So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay? I'm up off my knees I'm so tired of being lonely, you can't give me what I need When she begs you not to go, there is one thing you should know I don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah, oh
SM, you say that you didn't care one whit how your W responded to your sexual banter . . . but that's easy to say when she responded the way you wanted her to. Do you honestly think there would be no sting had she rejected you? I'm not saying I know the answer, I'm just asking you to imagine that happening and how you would really feel.
As for the light touch getting shot down by some folks here, if I recall correctly, that was because she had very clearly requested that you not touch her.
You have mentioned a number of times that in your culture, D is not an option. This, along with your continued acceptance of her out in the open affair, is making her very comfortable, since she is juggling two men with apparent impunity. If you are OK with this, that's definitely your choice.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissa, I think I would have been a little taken a back with a rejection but it wouldn't have been crushing or anything...
Thing is, I know she won't reject me on the flirting and touch. She never has. And no she never said not to touch her. She has always had a positive response to touch.
I get what evrryone is saying. I'm just not sure why there are a lot of people in my same position (in an inhouse separation) and I'm the one who has to boot her out. Or is that not what is being suggested.
Adinva my mortgage payment is not the problem. Its payments on loans and credit cards that I used to finance growth in my business. Banks don't loan small businesses anymore.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Rock, thank you for the song. I'm not getting the lyrics but from your intro I get the lesson.
I'm not getting crumbs. And of course I'm not going to go on like this forever. When I'm ready to start dating, ill have to re examine this living arrangement.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Rock I'm reading back on your first thread since you said you've been through this. But the only similarities I see are presence of an OM.
Other than that our W behavior and actions seem very different and hence why you may feel that Im really putting up with a lot.
Truth is, my wife always talks to me with respect, and we have a good time together when we used to do stuff together several months ago.
She is not acting irrationally or spending money or taking money or threatening a child custody battle.
She doesn't talk down to me at home. Actually since I stopped fighting her on her logic and stopped trying to change her mind etc.. our interactions are very positive
If I initiate physical touch or affection, like a hug, whe will hung back enthusiastically.
If I mention I want to go do something, she wants to come with me. She wants us to go on vacation.
Its a classic cake eater and I get that. I'm trying to follow db principles of time and space and trying to draw her in.
I'm not sure why the lessons that db teach don't apply to my situation. I thought we should evaluate if something is bringing them closer or pushing them away. And that we shoulr act from a place of love.
I'm going to call my db coach for a chat. The last couple calls i was advised to be careful with advice here.
I think we shoulee give each other support and be there for each other and answer questions. Even tell each other our experiences. What bothers me is it always ends up being that peoole are pushing their own decisions on me and then when I explain why I don't like, some posters say oh ok then you don't need me, ill just move along.
Some, not all. Most have been helpful but we need to be mindful of how we are each different and our M are different and the dynamics are different. I want to know peoples opinion but i don't want to feel like someone is mad at me for not doing exactly as they say.
Is that reasonable? Or am I crazy.
And again, as I said a few pages ago, no one has even noticed or commented on the actual things I needed help with that pertain to ME and my self improvement.
The conversation just goes to how I should stand up for myself and kick her out
Getting a little frustrated. I need to sleep on this and come back tomorrow....
Beginners mind.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
You make excellent points. By all means, I think you should take your DB coaches advice into consideration, first and foremost. I think what most people are feeling is, that you are being taken advantage of. They are offering advice based on that, the basic cake eating roles that the WAS plays. But like you said, all situations and dynamics are different. Only you know what is going on in your situation. We just get a snapshot, and it's displayed to us through your descriptions. Perhaps we are not picking up on things that you are, simply because we don't get that info or see it in your perspective.
From what you are explaining, more and more, it sounds like perhaps (and I am guessing here), you have a sex starved marriage? I mean, it sounds like you are fulfilling the majority of your W's needs. It sounds like she is very responsive to you. With the exception of OM, you sound like you are getting along fairly well. Is it possible that OM is simply fulfilling her sexual needs, and not much else? Has you DB coach mentioned anything like that?
SM, I hear what you are saying and I understand your frustration. I think most of us would agree that you should listen to your DB coach. Your DB coach has one job, and that is to help you save your M. The people here, though, don't like to see you being taken advantage of in this way. It just seems humiliating and like your W has zero respect for you. Sure, maybe she speaks to you respectfully, but she also drops you like a hot potato when things are going well with OM and she decides she would prefer to be with him than you.
There is no OP in my sitch, but our sitches are somewhat similar in that our WASs treat us kindly and initiate contact with us. A DB coach views this as a good thing - this means that they are not completely gone. We want to make every interaction positive. We want our S to stay connected with us. I totally get that. The question becomes when this dynamic crosses the line between keeping that connection and being used and disrespected. My H and I were ML at least once a week up until last week (the last time was Thanksgiving). But now with his recent behavior (match.com profile, taking down his profile photo on FB which was the two of us), I am beginning to wonder where I should draw the line. I don't know exactly what he is doing, but I feel that it's enough that I should not sleep with him anymore. It's just a matter of basic self respect. You do know exactly what your W is doing, and you are just letting her do it. That's not respecting yourself. I think that's what people here are trying to say.
It's always difficult to see your own sitch with objectivity. That's why I will go around giving others advice with confidence, but I ask others for advice and listen to the vets when it comes to my own sitch.
Should you follow the advice you get on this board? It's up to you. Obviously you need to pick what sounds right to you and your sitch. But at least pay attention to the basic points that people are making, and think about them with an open mind.
Which items about you and your self improvement were you looking for opinions on?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Suckerpunch it is exactly what my DB coach thinks is gong on. My wife told me at the very first day that our marriag lacked passion. She said she needs passion in her life...
Before BD ML probably once or twice a week. She was very focused on whether I would initiate or not and also how routine it was. I was under stress and I wasn't being mindful of her needs in this respect, so it made her vulnerable.
At BD she was running fast and told me to throw her stuff away if I wanted because she wasn't coming back.
But she soon realized that OM who lives a long drive away (1.5 hours) was not going to be moving to our city as he promised, and that she wouldn't be moving there.
Also she has told me herself that he plays video games all evening and she often gets bored there. He's not into politics and stuff we are into, so for example during a state of the union address by president, my wife spent the whole thing messaging with me on what was going on.
I caught a lot of flack from the folks here on the board for that. But my DB coach saw it as a positive. She was choosing my company even in his presence. And it would contrast on her mind our similarities with their differences.
She started off going twice a week for two nights at a time. It quickly dropped to once a week for two nights. Lately its been once every two weeks, and the last time was three weeks apart. Also she left supposedly for two nights but then messaged me that she was back home after only one night even though they had been apart for three weeks.
That is another thing my DB coach was watching for. Frequency length and time between visits. So all three of those have dropped significantly. Also the importance of visits. She used to just decide it was time to go and would drop everything. Now if its inconvenient for D3 care, she doesn't.
So there is definitely some chaos in her head. You don't trash your marriage because sex once or twice a week is not enough and then settle for once or twice every one to three weeks. And all the time keep pursuing your ex husband with vacation invites, dinners, outings etc.
Melissa I know exactly what you are saying about self respect. I am very concious of that and try to keep my self rspect as much as possible. We also have a difference in our sitches because the sexes are reversed. Men can avsolutely ML and have sexual energy for multiple women at the same time, and so I dont think its advisable or beneficial to be sleeping with yiur H as a way to keep him from seeing others.
But women, especially ones like my wife cannot carry on two sexual relations simultaneously. Before her EA turned to PA she said she was done with our marriage and there was no sex after that (I verified through snooping on her messaes that they had not made it a PA yet). So my coach was saying if you can get her to feel some sexual attraction to you, you will cause a lot of confusion. If you actually managed to have her ML to you, you would probably throw her entire existence into a tailspin.
At the risk of seeming naive and sounding like I am under estimating how done my wife is (I've been told I do that sometimes) I would say this...... and this would probably be my objective analysis to someone else if they had my EXACT sitch....
I would say it seems she is not convinced of OM, but at the same time and more importantly doesn't see the change she needs to see in the marriage in order to believe that a NEW MARRIAGE WITH ME WOULD BE BETTER THAN THE OLD ONE (borrowed from 25yearsmlc).
And that's where my efforts to draw her in come in. Thats where the financial sitch comes in because we didn't havr money to have fun, and more importantly she saw what financial stress did to my sex drive. This is where sexual desire and making her FEEL desired comes in.
And frankly over the past year I haven't done any of that. Havent gotten a grip on our finances, or made her feel desirable. I've demonstrated bravery in the face of finanfial diiculty instead of being a mess all the time, and she has noticed and commented on it...
But she cannot know that a new marriage would not be passion starved as the old one was.... and that's a big challenge on my part.
So i get what yoi are all saying. And i don't want to seem naive. But I see lots of positives in my sitch compared to others I read. And I've come this far and been this patient. I would hate to screw it all up now just to make my ego feel better...
If and when she makes a mve towards R, there would be chances there to get my hurt pride massaged a little by her.
Does this make sense or am I completely lost lol
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
