SM34's Post

[SM34]

Actually Melissa my understanding of detachment is when you have no expectations of the outcome. If you try to make a move, and you are rejected, you dont care and dont think anything of it. You literally do not ride the emotional rollercoaster.

In other words, I can stay for financial reasons, and I can still try to flirt with her as long as I didnt feel hurt if I was rejected.

To me, the mentality that "You are flirty with a woman who sleeps with someone else" is not from a place of love. In fact, to me it seems its bitter and almost a punishment to a wayward. I understand that some feel they should have very strong boundaries and that is fine for those people. To me, it doesnt feel natural.

My DB coach wanted me to try to CONFUSE my wife. The reason is that she has proven that she is the type that can only have sexual desire for one man at a time. I was her first and only partner until she was done with our marriage. Then she was honest about it before she began a PA (it was an EA) at the time. So my DB coach (who is a woman) said that if you can confuse her, and have her feel some sexual desire for you by flirting and sexual innuendo, you may plant a seed or at least create enough confusion for some doubt to creep in.

Ive never been able to do that. I could never bring myself to try it. My pride got in the way, in the same way that Gabbysmom is suggesting...I would not flirt with my wife while she was sleeping with another man.

I also was not detached enough. A rejection would have hurt me so much that I wasnt willing to try...

So I actually think that what I did demonstrates a level of detachment that i didnt even know I had. I didnt care what she said. I didnt care what her response would be. I was having fun with it and how she responds or feels would be her problem.

I think you are confusing detachment with lack of caring. It almost comes across as hateful or spiteful. Like I said early, you can lovingly detach as they say around her. You dont have to stop caring, you dont have to act cold.

I may catch some 2x4s from some, but I know some would agree with me because I've seen this exact debate on another thread. You can most definitely show that you care and show interest and at the same time be detached!

MrBond where are you? He was just reminding me that I didnt need to be cold. And that there needed to be open channels of dialogue or cracking the door open (not what he said but illustrates the point).