So today she messaged me that she had ordered xmas cards, and also a picture mug fo her dad.
.I asked if the pic was of D3..
Her response was 'no, its of ny cleveage..lol'.
So I wanted to flirt and say something sexual banter style to see how it would be received. She always wanted to talk dirty via text and I was always too much of a prude i guess.
So I said 'oh I want a cleveage mug'
And she said 'Really?? Lmao'.
That is the first time I've implied or insinuated any kind of sexual thing or pursued in that way. My DB coach wanted me to try but I couldn't. I never felt right.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
And then it got a little dirty... I'd rather not put the rest here...
But she didn't back off or try to pretend her boyfriend wouldn't approve or any of the stuff ive read about some waywards.
I changed the subject and then later realized I should have kept up the banter as long as possible.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
And then it got a little dirty... I'd rather not put the rest here...
But she didn't back off or try to pretend her boyfriend wouldn't approve or any of the stuff ive read about some waywards.
I changed the subject and then later realized I should have kept up the banter as long as possible.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Yes gabbysmom I'm flirting with my wife who sleeps with someone else.
Why is your advice or your stance always against my DB coach? It always seems your advice is not from a place o love..
I'm trying to increase positive interactions. I rejected her sexually...so my DB coach wanted to see me remind her that i find her attractive. Its not completely insane.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I don't mean to speak for GM here, but I think she was referring to your earlier comment that you could stay with your W for financial reasons only and it would be fine if you were totally detached.
Your latest post confirms you are not even partially detached . . .
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Actually Melissa my understanding of detachment is when you have no expectations of the outcome. If you try to make a move, and you are rejected, you dont care and dont think anything of it. You literally do not ride the emotional rollercoaster.
In other words, I can stay for financial reasons, and I can still try to flirt with her as long as I didnt feel hurt if I was rejected.
To me, the mentality that "You are flirty with a woman who sleeps with someone else" is not from a place of love. In fact, to me it seems its bitter and almost a punishment to a wayward. I understand that some feel they should have very strong boundaries and that is fine for those people. To me, it doesnt feel natural.
My DB coach wanted me to try to CONFUSE my wife. The reason is that she has proven that she is the type that can only have sexual desire for one man at a time. I was her first and only partner until she was done with our marriage. Then she was honest about it before she began a PA (it was an EA) at the time. So my DB coach (who is a woman) said that if you can confuse her, and have her feel some sexual desire for you by flirting and sexual innuendo, you may plant a seed or at least create enough confusion for some doubt to creep in.
Ive never been able to do that. I could never bring myself to try it. My pride got in the way, in the same way that Gabbysmom is suggesting...I would not flirt with my wife while she was sleeping with another man.
I also was not detached enough. A rejection would have hurt me so much that I wasnt willing to try...
So I actually think that what I did demonstrates a level of detachment that i didnt even know I had. I didnt care what she said. I didnt care what her response would be. I was having fun with it and how she responds or feels would be her problem.
I think you are confusing detachment with lack of caring. It almost comes across as hateful or spiteful. Like I said early, you can lovingly detach as they say around her. You dont have to stop caring, you dont have to act cold.
I may catch some 2x4s from some, but I know some would agree with me because I've seen this exact debate on another thread. You can most definitely show that you care and show interest and at the same time be detached!
MrBond where are you? He was just reminding me that I didnt need to be cold. And that there needed to be open channels of dialogue or cracking the door open (not what he said but illustrates the point).
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I know Gabbysmom wants to elicit a reaction from me. Gabbysmom I read your posts all the time that you write to others. I know you are a compassionate person who feels my pain and wants to help me. After reading your responses I often have to hold back anger towards my wife because you hit the manly nerve in me. I get it, I totally do.
But at the same time I haven't tried all these other methods. I've worked on myself, and my business, and my relaionship with daughter. And in the meantime i have not demonstrated to my wife that I find her sexuall appealing, one of the biggest components to our sitch, if not THE biggest.
She has low self esteem right now. She evaluates her worth from how much sexual attention she can stir in her man. I never showed her after BD that that could still be me, that it was in me, because my pride and ego get in the way.
Does that make sense?
Even my light touch experiment from way way back wa shot down by folks here. And they were right. I wasnt detached enough to pull it off.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM34, You are going to look back at these posts and say to yourself "What was I thinking".
There is an old song by Reba McEntire "Does he love me". It is a duet with Linda Davis about two woman in love with the same man. What is sad is that instead of booting the man, they each fight over him. I always wondered if someone would have so little respect for themselves that they would act like that.
I bet the man in the center of this song has no respect for either of them.
Seriously, what are you doing?
And, no "business arrangement" is worth compromising your self respect or character. In your heart, you know this.
