on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

Update for today isn't all bad. We had to speak last night to finalize how we were going to finance this separation. My initial idea was that we would split the combined cost of the mortgage and rent. When I first suggested that idea she balked big time and only offered up a portion of her share. Last night I calmly told her that I could not afford to maintain the house alone for much longer than a few months without starting to go into debt. My suggestion was that we put the house on the market as it would probably take a few months to sell and we could always back out if she decided to move back in. She was dead set against that idea and instead, offered to contribute her full share of the combined split.

Then today, she had a visit with her lawyer to go over the stipulation. I had been dreading this meeting all week (I know I know - don't worry about things you can't control!!!!). I guess the meeting went fairly well. She had a couple of minor changes to the settlement, all that I could agree to. She told her lawyer to request the changes and to inform my lawyer that we were not going to proceed with anything further at this time. I will have to echo that sentiment when my lawyer contacts me.

So, all in all, everything that happened earlier in the week kind of blew over. She made a point to tell me that she recognizes that we both contribute to the tension and that's really why she needs to get some space for a while. I agreed that we both need to let our emotions calm down for a while and the only way to do this is to get some time away. She told me again, without me asking, that she is going to end the affair. I don't know if i believe her but at this point, i am sick of swimming against that current.

I guess she really has no idea what she should do. Square in the middle of the fence. She is hoping some space followed by some positive interactions and good times between us will help.

So here is my list that I carry in my pocket everyday:
- I will be patient
- I will not wallow in self-pity
- I will always be in control of my emotions and will not make decisions when I am emotional
- I will not try to predict the outcome
- I will not overanalyze
- I will not worry about things I cannot control
- I will not do anything to antagonize her
- I will enforce my boundaries
- I will do all of the above for ME, not for her and not for the marriage

I think the hardest one for me will be the last one. I am still in the mindset of doing all of this for the marriage. I need to keep telling myself that that's not it.

I have a hike planned this weekend with some friends, gym after work tomorrow. I also will really take some more time to decide who I want to be, what is really important to me and what I have to do to get there.

Other than not communicating, can anyone give me some advice on how best to be unavailable without being rude or cold?

[dingo]

So it has been a very bad week. Despite both of us stating no contact and no R talk, we ended up talking everyday and more often than not it was about our situation. Sometimes at her initiation, sometimes at mine. Sometimes the talks went well and other times they didn't go well. Sometimes she got frustrated and sometimes I did.

I purposely spent some time away from these boards to try to clear my head a bit. Something someone wrote (Melissa maybe?) struck a chord with me tthough. The gist of which is that the current incarnation of my wife is not the person I married and fell in love with and not a person that loves me. I have been thinking about divorce a lot this week.

As usual our conversations focus on the affair. I would be a fool to not recognize that she is in love with him and is not in love with me. She will say that she is not convinced that she doesn't want to be with me and that she is not convinced that she wants to be with the om but her actions, to me at least, seem to indicate otherwise. She also is of the opinion that she can make a good decision about the marriage without really getting rid of him, in essence keeping one of us on the back burner while she considers the other.

At least today, I am tired of this situation and sick of wasting time and energy on it. I stopped trying to control what she does and although she insists that she will not see the om, I have no reason to believe that. She tells me that i need to trust her and I told her that if she wants me to trust her she has to show me some actions, not just words, that help rebuild trust. She said she would but hasn't done anything.

She still wants to exchange Christmas gifts and wants to go to dinner on Monday for the anniversary of the day we met. Today I am thinking that I will not do either. That I need to remove her from my life until, at least, the om is gone from her life.

As far as GALing, I've done a good job this week. Went to the gym 3 nights after work and also started going to an indoor rock climbing gym. I still tend to think about the situation too much but am starting to be able to force myself to stop when I recognize that I am doing it. I still struggle with the roller coaster but at least have been able to accept that I can't control what she does.

I guess that's it for now. Kinda starting to lose hope that this can be resolved in a way that I can accept.

[labug]

So when do you start DBing?

I know how easy it is to think, "If I can just get her to understand, she'll see the light!" Not gonna happen. It's all pressure, I feel the pressure an I'm not even in the same room.

She's confused, back off and let her get even more confused. Every time you have an interaction, it allows her to see the hurt, pressuring, controlling Dingo.

I am tired of this situation and sick of wasting time and energy on it.

The situation not going to go away but you can stop wasting time and energy on it.

That's just what you need to do. Spend that time and energy on you.

She still wants to exchange Christmas gifts and wants to go to dinner on Monday for the anniversary of the day we met.

What do you want to do?

Do you think this would be a positive for your situation right now?

[melissag]

So when do you start DBing?

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read your post. NC is not DBing. NC is just avoiding the situation so you don't get hurt. Which is great, but (a) you're not doing it; and (b) on the rare occurrence that you do, you are expecting immediate results.

I don't think that you need to maintain NC, unless that is a boundary that you set for you. If she is telling you that she isn't seeing OM anymore (and you have no evidence to the contrary), and trying to work things out with you, I don't understand why you would continue NC. This is your time to DB! Let her initiate any R talk, and if she does, show her that you are going to LISTEN and have no expectations. I forget, have you read DR? If not, please do so ASAP. If so, read it again. I totally understand being emotionally all over the place and feeling like you are flailing. DBing gives you a framework to operate from - it helps you set your state of mind and your behavior. It gives you something to come back to, so that whenever you have a question about what to do/say, you can answer it by referring back to your DB goals. But you have to be consistent with it.

I call what you are in the "tantrum phase." I was in that for a while, and sometimes do catch myself going there still. It's where you are just pissed and don't want this to be true. You are not facing reality and just want your W to cut the crap and come back. But you are just fighting against yourself right now. Initiating R talk, trying to convince her you are right, pressuring her, threatening D, all that stuff is not helping you. Maybe try keeping a diary.

I haven't reread your threads lately but going on memory here, I seem to recall that when your W moved out, and you gave her the space she has very clearly asked for, she made movement back toward you. Did you think that was coincidental? I don't think that you need to never talk to her again - but if you give her space, and she comes back a little, keep giving her space! Give her the amount of space that she indicates she wants. If she is coming back your way a little, meet her there and no further. You are lunging at the gerbil and then getting mad and throwing a tantrum when the gerbil runs and hides.

With time, you will get out of this phase, I promise. But only if you think of your goal and stick with your plan.

[dingo]

I am obviously very confused myself.

Of course I want to spend time with her on Monday and exchange Christmas gifts. I don't know if I can do it without expectations and I don't know if I can shake the feeling that she's cake eating. I did tell her that as long as the om is in the picture, I didn't want to be involved with her. She says that she won't see him but she can't commit to him not influencing her decision about us and is not willing to break it off permanently. So under those circumstances, is making plans with her cake eating or allowing her to cross the boundary?

I am starting to realize that her continuing the affair may just be a deal breaker for me.