Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[LoisB]

Thank you Pud.

I'm going to a party tonight. Very outta my comfort zone.

I think anytime someone takes a risk, like you did last night, and puts themselves out there--I just think it's so incredibly brave. It's too bad that our MLC-ers can't see how much love it takes to be that brave...to put yourself out there, all raw and vulnerable...knowing that you will probably be shot down. Again.

I think that sorta risk takes enormous love, hope and courage.

I know it's not the best thing to do when you are trying to protect yourself from further rejection, but I believe it shows true unconditional love for another person to keep fighting for someone else even when they show no sign of life or love.

I would do that for my kids. I guess that's why I do it for H too. I keep trying because I would want someone to keep trying for me.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks uR. I did say what I had to say and it felt good to lay it all out on the table. I didn't have any expectations of what I said long or short term because I realize that he is where he is at the moment, that is only in his present. That's all he can see right now. Because of some of the answers he gave me I can see this clearly, that he is still stuck and doesn't have the current coping skills to do this.

I also know that he is a person that has to absorb for days, even weeks things that have been said so I didn't expect anything. That's why him showing me his work sched was a pleasant unexpected surprise. This is his teenaged attempt at showing me he was being a good boy.

I know he has lots of work to do within himself before he comes out to see the sun. For now, I am willing to wait a bit more, search for the next candycrumb in the path on the way to the candy house.

[MrCAS]

I will admit to feeling a little out of place here in MLC... Bear with me. No 2x4s coming. Just observations and maybe some info others might be able to use.

I read this thread from the beginning...

My W and had entered into alternative lifestyle activities. While it was not swinging, it was Dom/sub, it was still something I agreed to in order to try and save our M. What I found is that it did not achieve what I had hoped and instead created this massive rift between us. What was at one time a beautiful thing (in a relationship a long time ago) evolved into a disastrous turn. It got even worse when my W wanted to have an open marriage.

What I have learned is that bringing in other people into a relationship is not a good thing. I found that fantasy rarely turns out as awesome as you think it might.

This is his teenaged attempt at showing me he was being a good boy.

I disagree. You confronted him. You made an accusation. I believe he was trying to put your mind at ease a little bit. You telling him that it was unnecessary because you believed him contradicts your words from the night before. Not a slam... just an observation.

From reading your last couple posts, it does seem that your H is stuck. He is angry. He sounds frustrated. Speaking from my own experience, when i was in that type of position, it left me similarly angry and frustrated.

Keep the lines of communication open.

[tigerlily78]

Pud, I don't know how this will pan out with your H but it sounds to me like for your own sanity you needed to get this stuff off your chest. And I don't see anything in his reactions that say, "You've chased me away." I think you are right that he is just still in the fog and not ready to cope in the way you want him to.

[Pudmuddle]

Hey MrC, thanks for stopping by and catching up. I agree, there is some truth to looking for love in all the wrong places...doesn't usually work out for a real relationship.

thanks tl, he is NOT ready to cope with much. Although...

Today has been a strange day. Strangely nice.

He knew I was organizing most of the Christmas gifts for family and today he actually said we should go out and shop for stuff. I said...ok, with a little suspicion. He has not gotten into Christmas or shopping the past few years so I usually took it all on. Then the whole time we were out he was cheerful and happy, actually talked to me a lot. Even when we had nothing to talk about he was still talking about anything. Venting on work, telling me what had happened at work, the things he saw, people he talked to. IT WAS SO NICE. He helped me make decisions on little gifty things, he went in to every store with me and walked around as if interested, in life. He would have let me go in by myself while he sat in the car before...And he wouldn't contribute much to decisions in the past. We were making jokes with each other like we used to. Where has this man been? It was so NICE. Even when we got home, before we went inside and I was getting out of the car, I said 'I had a really fun time with you today, it was so nice seeing you happy and cheerful'. He looked at me seriously and said 'I'm trying'. Wow.

Tomorrow he has to go in for a colonoscopy because his younger brother had intestinal cancer, so all the kids went to get checked out to be safe. He has to not eat all day, so he has been commenting every time he smells or sees something good and we laugh. At one point, he said "Gosh my stomach is SO hungry!' I said jokingly, 'well I could punch you in the gut so you'd forget about it' He laughed and then said 'Yeah, you'd kick me in the nards'.

Then he even asked if I had some laundry to throw in with his. He has been doing his all on his own lately.

I am going to bask in this good time, because I'm sure there will be some down time for him soon. But how nice for now, huh?

[Dragon Heart]

Happy belated birthday.

I see there have been some small, but nice positives in your sitch.

I also understand your need to talk about your R, to vent. It may not be DB, but we spend so much of our time worried about them, their need for time and space, that we don't have an outlet for our needs and feelings. I think as long as we have no expectations and accept the consequences of our decision (hopefully positive, but possibly negative) then it is healthy for us to say what we need to. I have also come to understand that no single event is likely to run the ship into the rocks, but we have to be careful not to steer too close to shore.

I still see many similarities in our situations, even if the specifics are very different. The more I read and observe my W, the more I believe she is experiencing a MLC. Once or twice she has made reference to a traumatic childhood. She is not any happier on her own than she was when we lived together. She is clearly depressed and withdrawn. She also repressed her feelings and kept score of all the slights I may have made against her. After BD, she would make frequent comments about how I should have known. I wish she had just spoken up at the moment. For some reason she blames me for her not saying anything. I know it doesn't change what I must do, but it does put things in context.

Stay strong.

[tigerlily78]

It made me smile to read about your day, Pud. Your H is TRYING.

Did you hear angels singing from on high when he said that? lol.

I am so happy for you. I hope the good trend continues for you. You are amazing and wonderful and cute as a button. You SO deserve to have these good times with your H. And I will keep sending positive thoughts your way that the positive momentum keeps building.

[Ambivalent]

I'll go see The Hobbit with you!

[2Times2Many]

Hi Pud,

It made me feel so good to read about your good day with H. I'm sending happy thoughts and good wishes to my sister so the momentum will hopefully keep the two of you going.

2t2m

[Pudmuddle]

tigerlil, I look forward to your posts all the time! It did make my heart swell a bit, with a glimmer of hope. I told those angels to be quiet, don't scare him away! I am just going with the moments.

Your cute as a button comment reminded me of a 4th grade teacher I had that used to put her finger on my nose and say my nose was cute as a button! Wow, what a flashback that was, lol!

2t, thank you ever so much. I hope your sister is doing better too. I need to catch up on your sitch. Thanks for the good wishes, I can already feel them.

Ambi, if I could I would!!! I'd be your date.

Cheers all.