Well, H is driving “south” today. I’m pretty sure he is driving his camper. He did it last year to pick up some work stuff (like traffic cones and generator) from the garage. I don’t think there is anything left in the garage for his work. So, the only reason to drive the camper is for him to pick up more stuff from the house. For some reason this just devastates me more. Now I’m thinking if I should let him in the house, or I should pack his stuff myself and give it to him. I think I’m leaning towards the second option. Letting him wonder around the house and picking the things makes it feel like he would be stepping all over my feeling once again.
This morning I woke up with and immediately thought about H driving. For a moment I was almost excited, like it was in the past when he drove home after a season of work somewhere. Then I realized that he is not coming home, he is driving in this direction. I’ve been having a lot of these “phantom” feelings recently. I’ve been having the dreams about us and in some of these dreams we are getting back together. I don’t know why I’m having these feelings now. It messes up with my head. I’m a wreck again, like this past year didn’t happen and I’m back to last year’s misery and despair. I need to do something about it, I don’t want him to see me like this. I guess the work situation is also not helping my PMA. I feel like universe is punishing me for something again.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
