Put up the tree with D and W. All of the ornaments of us together and the memories...
I stayed cool during the whole process, but had to leave and go into my bedroom afterwards and just cry. I thought that I was alone, but W ended up following me in after a few minutes. She asked if I was ok.
She asked if I was ok.
She asked if I was ok.
Do I need to say it again? AM I OK? NO I AM NOT OK. (that's how I felt)
But what i said was, I'll be fine. I just want to be alone.
You were human for a moment. It's ok. The holidays are killing me. I used to feel such joy during this time of year.
I just feel alone now. I keep wondering:
What will next Christmas look like? Will our house be up for sale? Will this be our last Christmas together? Will my kids ever have our traditions again?
And then the memories of years past. Last year, my H bought me a black pearl necklace for Christmas. It was the one I've wanted for years. If you would have told me then, what my life looks like now, I would have never believed it.
How can this be happening? Hang in there, cc. At least we have these boards to keep us sane.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Christmas is the absolute worst. Because of all of the existing debts, I couldn't buy any Christmas presents for my kids. W bought all of them. The whole thing stinks.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Cc it happens man. You are in a tough spot and your emotions are still raw and the triggers are a plenty. It will get easier, I promise you.
Dust yourself off and get back on the DBing. You have it in you, you can fight this fight. I think what's important to take note of are the triggers....
You may want to look up affair triggers. It was helpful for me early on to read about triggers and know that its normal and that I'm not just going crazy. There are also very effective techniques for controlling the emotions during a trigger. And ways to reprogram your thought process so that its not so painful.
You are doing great man. Youve come a long way innjus a matter of weeks and we all see how strong you are!!
Keep posting and updating us on your emotions, good and bad. Its good to let it all out, here.
Be strong. Your daughter needs you and your strength.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Still a little uneasy from the weekend. Things that bothered me:
1) W keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. (Que up Mariah Carey's , All I want for Christmas is you.)
2) Went shopping for some Christmas Decor, W saw something she liked... She said " we should get one of those for 'next year'" What the hell does that mean.
3)Took a quick shower with D last night, W came in and peeked into the shower, apparently she doesn't mind seeing me naked.
4) Was on the computer last night, looking for Gifts for D. W came upstairs and wanted to show me something. She kept leaning over me, putting her stuff right in my face. Wanted to just grab ahold of her, but knew i shouldnt.
5)W keeps using the phrase... "we'll take it one day at a time". But her actions clearly state otherwise.
The Triggers are everywhere. I am seeing things that AREN'T really there. I'm trying to see the good, where there is none.
I spoke about talking to other women being an ego boost. It is. But after the novelty wears off, you realize that its just a game. Nothing can come from it, I'm not ready for any type of relationship. Friends or otherwise.
I still feel confident that life will continue after all is said and done, but having a hard time with these instances.
Starting to understand that having patience isn't simply being patient with my wife and waiting for her decision to change. It's about being patient with myself, even when i feel like i'm spiraling out of control. Even when i make mistakes. I'm still learning and need to be patient with the new me.
Could really use any inspiration you got today.
Todays forecast:
Confident that I can carry on, Hopelessness about my situation.
You really are doing remarkably well, you are sticking to the program like a champ! Many folks in your situation repeatedly backslide, but you have been a rock -- celebrate that!
W is noticing your changes and getting curious why you're not continuing to pursue her. Keep up just being you, you're doing great!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Make a list of a few things that distract you, and keep it handy. Pick one when needed. I would: do pushups, take a really fast walk, listen to a podcast, check in on other people in DB forums, etc.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
About the comment 'get one of these for next year' sounds like your wife is just like mine. The more your sitch develops the more it looks just like mine. ..
You will hear plenty of bizzare things from her. Shes confused and not ready to lose you. She clearly enjoys your company and i can relate to that.
For inspiration, I want to repeat that you are doing a great job. Really man. Accuray said it and I'd like to reiterate in different wordage...many of us, or all of us, backslid, pursued, acted needy, etc... and you seem to have it together.
Your wife occupies too much space in your head because you are still in the early part of your sitch where you still have her on a pedestal. Infact, lbs will elevate the WAS to new levels almost god-like. Dont worry this will subside and she will shrink back to her normal size soon.
Keep on doing what you are doing! !
PS do you shower with D3? Lol. Interesting.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
