Her emotional needs were not being met, she's lost a ton of weight you say. It took her a long time to muster the courage to say its over. In her mind, and don't for a second take this any other way or lightly, she's DONE.
With all the weight loss, maybe she's been garnering some extra attention from someone. Its was filling her needs in a way that sped up the process in her mind.
I think for many of us, or maybe its just me, understanding just what the word DONE really meant. There is no grey area here, I'm sorry, but your marriage (at least this version of it) is over.
Do not attempt to find out why right now either, cause she's just going to say things like "I cant believe you don't know...", "If I have to tell you, then what's the point....", "I've been telling you for a long time, you just don't get it....".
Do not attempt to try to make things better, or fix things right now, she'll see them as just efforts to get her back. She doesn't want you.
I'm not saying your wife is cheating, but the thought of another relationship instead of the one your in is very attractive to her, even if the person doesn't even exist. Most likely, there is something going on, and that doesn't mean sex is involved.
Understand how this has taken a LONG time to reach this point, and its going to take at least a year or two if theres a CHANCE to turn it around. Can you comprehend that time frame, do you understand there is NO speeding it up.
Realize that right now she wants space, and lots of it. Right now, for her at least, she's going to be thinking almost exclusively of the negative things in your marriage. So don't bring up any part of your marriage history or future, cause I promise you she'll have an answer you don't like in return. She'll have rewritten much of it anyways, to fit her needs/decision.
Its time for you to take a long look in the mirror, see your part in the failing of the marriage. And see what your willing/able to fix about your part. Do it cause you need to make those changes, not because you hope it will fix your marriage. Its a fine line.
Understand your very early in this, and your emotions are going to be all over the place at times. Take care of yourself: eat, sleep, get out of the house. Be mysterious, hold back what your feeling. Its not a game, but don't tip your hand at what your doing. A lot of what your going to be doing it going to feel counter intuitive, your going to doubt the process MANY MANY times over.
Let me also explain a little of what you might see, if your putting in the work, making your changes with no pressure or expectations, she might be a bit angery that your FINALLY putting an effort in, but why couldn't you do it before. She might be your best friend, cause in her mind she no longer see's you as her husband and she's relieved she no longer needs to keep up that part of herself. "Whew we can be friends afterall, this is going to make things easier....". And she'll bounce between every emotion in between.
Its time to grow some thick skin, these things tend to get much worse before they can get any better. Some people call it detachment, but that doesn't really encompass the level of almost shutting down at times that really entails what your going to need to do for yourself. Its very hard, and will be time and time again, to not take things personal, to really let things slam your heart/stomach/mind. At the same time, your supposed to always have a smile on your face, listen (don't talk), validate (don't have to agree but let her know you understand her side), and GAL.
Your not going to be perfect, your going to make mistakes, prob a lot of them. Don't be hard on yourself. Post here every 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 months. Understand the people on this site are going to be supportive, give you advice (good advice if your willing to be honest in whats happening/happened). The truth hurts, so be prepared to get straightened out on days too.
I wish you luck my friend, I hope you truly understand that if you want to give your marriage the best chance at recovery. Its going to take more work than you can possibly imagine right now. So lets get started.............
1. Who do you have for your support right now, is it someone that's going to pick sides, that knows the both of you, someone that can keep things between just the two of you? Its best to have someone that can be as neutral as possible, but can keep it to themselves too.
2. The more you talk to family about this, the more they're going to want you to stop hurting, advice might not always be the best for your marriage or your state of mind.
3. Have you considered going to some individual counseling to help you discover your faults, maybe even things you didn't really know about yourself.
4. What do the kids think is happening, careful here too, cause I promise they understand something is happening, they're going to ask questions, and a lot of their own interpretation/anger/support is going to want to come out. It can be considered pressure or help widen the divide. Its best to just say "your both working on some issues right now".
5. Find some things to do: read a book (at the library if it gets you out of the house), pick up an old hobby, start a new one, take a cooking class, check out a class at the local community college, join a gym.
You cant read the Divorce Remedy book fast enough.
