on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

So it has been a very bad week. Despite both of us stating no contact and no R talk, we ended up talking everyday and more often than not it was about our situation. Sometimes at her initiation, sometimes at mine. Sometimes the talks went well and other times they didn't go well. Sometimes she got frustrated and sometimes I did.

I purposely spent some time away from these boards to try to clear my head a bit. Something someone wrote (Melissa maybe?) struck a chord with me tthough. The gist of which is that the current incarnation of my wife is not the person I married and fell in love with and not a person that loves me. I have been thinking about divorce a lot this week.

As usual our conversations focus on the affair. I would be a fool to not recognize that she is in love with him and is not in love with me. She will say that she is not convinced that she doesn't want to be with me and that she is not convinced that she wants to be with the om but her actions, to me at least, seem to indicate otherwise. She also is of the opinion that she can make a good decision about the marriage without really getting rid of him, in essence keeping one of us on the back burner while she considers the other.

At least today, I am tired of this situation and sick of wasting time and energy on it. I stopped trying to control what she does and although she insists that she will not see the om, I have no reason to believe that. She tells me that i need to trust her and I told her that if she wants me to trust her she has to show me some actions, not just words, that help rebuild trust. She said she would but hasn't done anything.

She still wants to exchange Christmas gifts and wants to go to dinner on Monday for the anniversary of the day we met. Today I am thinking that I will not do either. That I need to remove her from my life until, at least, the om is gone from her life.

As far as GALing, I've done a good job this week. Went to the gym 3 nights after work and also started going to an indoor rock climbing gym. I still tend to think about the situation too much but am starting to be able to force myself to stop when I recognize that I am doing it. I still struggle with the roller coaster but at least have been able to accept that I can't control what she does.

I guess that's it for now. Kinda starting to lose hope that this can be resolved in a way that I can accept.