Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

I said But you won't talk to me, you don't tell me when I have hurt you so bad that it cuts you to the core. Then you keep it in for years and I don't find out until years later that it really hurt you badly. He said well you should have known it hurt me. I said Seriously? I am not a mind reader and I am not perfect so how would you expect me to know I've hurt you? I said there are things you have held on to for years and when I thought we had worked through it I find out it STILL bothers you years later. How do you stuff things down for SO long. He said I know, I don't know why I do that. I said I still think you haven't forgiven me for what happened in the past with my EA, and then PA. He said yes that hurt and maybe I haven't forgiven you. I said well I am not perfect and you put me on that pedestal and I messed up, I am human. Then when your solution to this was to get into the whole swinging thing as a way to make yourself feel better about being with someone else outside of a marriage, I went along with it because I really wanted to make you happy. But that time was actually very traumatic for me. He said well you sure jumped into a R with JS(divorced coworker) quickly. I said yes I did because I wanted attention from anyone at that time, I didn't care if it was negative or positive, just any emotional attention. I said and I was hurt that you found someone separately outside the swinging deal we had and actually started taking her on real dates! The things that I wanted so desperately from you. Mine was just an eff buddy, not that that is any better. But I won't do that now because it hurt us both so badly. That's why I don't understand how you can do this (affair) again so easily after it hurt us both so much. At that point I touched his face softly and said Where did I lose you? Then I laid down on the floor with a pillow and started to cry.

I was talking to myself softly trying to figure out what the he!! happened to us. He said a few times, I can't hear you, what are you saying? I said what does it matter when you won't talk to me and tell me when you are hurting. There was silence in the room for about 15 minutes as I lay there wondering if stfu works with him. Then he said What made you seek out B? (the EA). I was thinking to myself wow, this still does hurt him for him to bring this up yet again and that's the first thing he wants to talk about.

I said I wanted someone who would give me the emotional attention that I wasn't getting from you. You couldn't seem to care about my emotional side and all you seemed to want or care about was getting sex from me, so it didn't feel connected. You didn't want to work up to having sexy moments. I am a very physical person actually and even though our sex has always been amazing, I needed to be connected with you and I felt you didn't want that or even want to try. So it hurt. He said Yes I was very immature back then and I could only think about what I wanted. I see that now. I said why is it so hard for you to let go of that? He said I don't know. I said I have forgiven you even now for all of the A's because those don't matter, what matters is how you cope with them and move forward. He said Yeah I know, and I do see that your apologies to me have been amazing and very heartfelt. (I had written him letters after BD apologizing for the hurt I caused him and the mistakes I'd made in our marriage).

At this point we were both exhausted. I lay on the floor for a bit. And he said you should go upstairs because that is going to kill your back. I said I am fine. I stayed there for half an hour and then got up when I heard him snoring. He awoke and said Good night. I didn't answer, and just went to my bedroom

So this morning as I was typing all this drama out on my computer, he comes upstairs with a clipboard and says I know you don't believe me but I do have assignments and work to do today, and he showed me the assignments laid out on his clipboard. I said I believe you. He then says Well I haven't given you precedent in the past to believe me. I was nicely shocked that he would do this after our discussion last night.