Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

I confused myself even more by what I did last night. I was feeling good about the positives I've seen lately so for some reason I felt the need to push it a little more. The 3 glasses of wine helped me with that too.

After we had all gone to bed, I went down to H's bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and told him I really wanted to make love to him. He said 'I don't want too'. I expected that answer, so it didn't hurt as much when he said it. I then started to try and ask him questions. He said he didn't want to talk about it right now, at night. I said well when DO you want to talk about things. He said I'm tired I want to go to sleep. He said this twice and then I said Well I'm your wife I won't go away that easy.

I stayed there on the edge of the bed. I felt a strong need to hear words from him, even if they weren't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to see some form of thoughts in his head about what was going on. I then asked him if he had any interest in working on things inside himself or us. He said what's done is done, it's done. I said if you're done then why haven't you moved out so you can live that life. He said Why don't you move out. I said because I'm not the one who wants something so different than this life and home that's here. Why are you still here? He said I'm here for my son. I said well you certainly aren't being a good role model for your son. He said Well I still don't know why my son is in therapy, I don't know why he is hurting. I try to ask him and he won't tell me. I said Well you have been so critical of him in the past it has made him not want to talk with you about certain things. Plus, he asked me not to say anything and I want to honor that. If it were something life-threatening, immoral or illegal I most certainly would tell you, but I want him to feel safe that he can confide in me. He said Absolutely, I understand that.

I said So what about us. If you don't want to work on things within yourself or things with us, then maybe you're right and we need to split up. Because I need to be with someone who knows that marriages has its ups and downs and will stick by me during the downs as difficult as it gets. I told him I could have someone else if I wanted to, but I choose not to do that because I believe this is just a hard time we are going through. And if you think about it we have been through a LOT in our marriage and a LOT in our lives has happened. It was a lot to of stress to put on a marriage. He said yes we have, but I don't want to do anything(right now). I said Ouch and stopped talking.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I said how can you feel good every day knowing that you are lying to me and your son about what you are doing. It is awful for me to think of you being with someone else and playing dad to someone else's daughter when you have your SON at home. It hurts to know that you talk about me to her. He said I don't talk to her about you. I whispered calmly You are with someone who is willing to help destroy a marriage and of course she wants to know why you are leaving your marriage behind so you ARE talking to her about me, so don't F@ckin' lie to me. He didn't say anything. I said you must think I'm really stupid and you must hate me. He said I have never ever hated you and I don't think you are stupid. You are a good person. I said I know you've been with her longer than since June and it all makes sense now in some of your actions before then. He said I have NOT been with her longer than that, only since June. I said so are you really working tomorrow or is that a lie and you are seeing her? He said no I am really working tomorrow, I do have assignments. I said well you have been lying for so long about where you are going I don't know if I know what to believe about where you are and what you are doing. I said I want to believe you but you have never given me reason to believe you with all the past and present lying about things.

So I said well do you have any more surprises up your sleeve or are you going to slam me in the gut coming up? anything I need to know about? He said No I'm not going to do that, I wouldn't do that. I said Well if you're staying here then we need to work on some things because this is really hurtful and awful for me. Do you know how traumatic this has been for me? He said No I don't. I'm thinking...seriously?? I said How can you rip apart someone's life and not know how much hurt you've caused. I really need someone who can work through the difficult times and not be tempted by their own ego. You still seem to think all of your problems inside and not being happy is all me and our marriage. I have made mistakes, yes, and I have f#cked up, yes, but I do not deserve to be treated this way. I don't care about the affair, you know why? Because it doesn't matter in the scheme of our marriage, what matters is that you are happy inside. So if seeking happiness outside of yourself and not wanting to work on what hurts you is what you want then maybe you are right and we need to split up. I want you to be happy and I want to help you get there but if you don't want to or move forward into being a better person then let's move on. I believe in the person you could be and believe that you could get there.