Back....again.

[mustardseed]

Trent has given you some great advice. I am not familiar with your past sitch, but reading through this thread I see the same pattern that Trent has identified, and it is definitely a game that you both continue to play.

Yes, venting to your family probably wasn't the best idea. BUT he set you up. There were problems before this, and now he is turning it around to be your fault. Now he has goods on you to "prove" that it is your fault. You need to stop playing his game. You need to stop being weak. It is time for you to be a strong independent woman for 3 very important reasons--your kids--your relationship--YOURSELF!

First, stop feeling guilty about what happened with your mom and sister. It is done. You can change what happened. You did it with good intentions. How he feels about it is his problem now. Not yours. He is going to continue to make it yours because he wants you to think you are the reason for the problems in your marriage. Don't play into that.

Right now you will not be able to reason with him. It is like talking to a two year old who is whining because he wants a cookie. You can keep saying no which will just escalate the issue to a tantrum, or you can remove the cookie from the situation and ignore the cries until they are forgotten. In other words DON'T ENGAGE.

Yes you can validate when he is being sincere, but stop taking responsibility for it. You did that already, continuing to apologize and take on all the fault starts to be pleading, begging and desperate. Not only do you give up all of your control, it is also very unattractive. He ignored your sister's apology. That is his choice and it is not your problem anymore. You already took ownership for your part in it, and now it is time to let it go. What he did is far worse than what you did anyway. But I wouldn't bring that up unless you are ready to big blow up.

I know you want to save your marriage, but desperate clinging is not going to fix it. Trying to talk about it is only going to feed the fire and give him more ammo. It is time to care by not caring. That is what detachment is. It is finally understanding unconditional love and putting that idea into practice. Right now you are free from the duties of being a wife. Focus on yourself, your kids. Do things to make you happy without worrying about what he thinks.

I was a lot like you for a long time. And it backfired for me as well. i thought I was a great wife because i tiptoed around my h's moods--although luckily my h was not manipulative like you are experiencing. But now I realize that my wishy washy behavior, my weak persona was not only a turnoff and annoying, it also placed a huge burden on my H. Because my happiness depended him. Some of that insecurity naturally dissipated with age, but the BD was what made me really look at how detrimental my behavior was, for my R with my H and my kids and especially with myself. Before you can learn how to be the wife you want to be, and how to have the H you want to have, you need to learn how to be the best W, H, and friend for yourself! Until you can love yourself you will not be able to have a truly loving marriage. Love is not desperate. It isn't manipulative. It doesn't place demands.

I know you don't want to think of life without your H, but right now the only chance you have in saving your M is to get yourself to a place where you know you will be just fine with or without him. And the only way to do that is to become your own best friend.