SM34's Post

[SM34]

Am I doing it as a tactic? I just realized maybe I am. But at the sane time it needs to be done. The reality needs to set in. I've sheltered her from the consequences of her bad decisions for too long! I have to start somewhere.

Standing by for your thoughts.

[swoop]

Wait. She has a list of things she wants to buy "herself" and a list she wants OM to buy her?

I believe she has a list she wants to buy for herself, and she has a list she wants to buy for OM, with "her" money.

SM, do you know what a consequence is? I am being honest, because I sincerely wonder if you do. Here is an example of NO consequence. I will say, "SM put your hand into this fire". You do, and surprisingly it does not hurt. Actually it feels pretty good. Then, I give you money to repeatedly put your hand into that same fire. You see, there is no consequence there. I am literally paying you to do something that feels pretty good, with no consequences. That is EXACTLY what you are modeling for W. Do you remember teaching your child not to touch something that is "hot"? Typically, they don't learn completely, until they get burned. Your W needs to feel what it is like to burn herself! This was a strange analogy, but think long and hard about it, SM.

[SM34]

I understand exactly what you are saying. And it makes perfect sense. And I need to start with the consequences. Which is why I was saying I wanted her to start paying mortgage and bills.

I really cant afford to do much more at this point. Its an unfortunate reality

My new businss venture is on the verge of being profitable and then I can have breathing room but right now I rwally need her financial contributions for once.

[adinva]

Then why are you thinking of pulling out cash and handing it to her? That's very paternalistic. Also, she is expecting to pay part of the bills; I didn't notice her saying 50% of the mortgage and nothing else. You asked the question; I think your idea may come across as passive aggressive and weak. I would not recommend making a unilateral decision about her money and converting it to cash and handing it to her like she's your teenager.

[SM34]

I think you are right. For so long I've bared all the pressure of the finances and she has not helped at all. I'm talking about before BD for years.

And Ive mentioned before that even her family thought that wasn't good for her self esteem because she was raised to not rely on her husband.

So I want her to sink all her paycheck into the massive hole that is our finances so she can have skin in the game as they say, and start to feel like she is helping. She wants this. So i think I need to stop making it harder for myself and stop being so kind.

If she wants to live here she needs to sink her paychecks in with mine and help me cover our expenses and know and feel how it is to work so hard and not be able to splash money around (like my life has been for over a decade).

Basically she needs to experience the pressures of paying bills and supporting a family like I have. She blamed all of our financial problems on me and never gave me the benefit of the doubt that I wa doing my best.

I'm going to let her pay all of it just like she wanted. Ill let that be the arrangement for a while until I can use it to springboard to a better place.

[adinva]

Even that, sorry, sounds patronizing. You're either handing her allowance or you're "making her" have skin in the game. Can you possibly reframe it in a way that respects her as a wage-contributing equal? Do you have a budget, and if not can you sit down with her and work on making one together?

If it takes all of both your incomes to pay your bills then neither of you gets spending money. If it doesn't, then both of you get spending money. If you have no idea, then you need to work together to change that so you do. The decisions should be mutual.

If she's depositing her money and you're the one who sits and decides if she gets any back or doesn't, you're acting like you own her. Maybe you can learn how to do this together.

[SM34]

If she makes the amount that she is supposed to every month going forward, I have a plan in place that will fix our situation in 3 months. She is aware of it and I all for it since we've talked about it before.

When her and I talk about it I do treat her with respect and ask her for her opinion as to how she would like to handle it, what she would like to contribute etc. And her response has been that she wants to contribute everything she makes because I've been stressed out for so long about our situation.

W can work together to pay down our debt and get to a place where there is spare money to do nive things again. Its kind of what I was hoping would happen a long time ago because I think is a huge part of our sitch. We hhaven't had money to do anything for so long that it made our lives boring.

I have worked to purge some of my personal bad habits, and I understand now how I rejected her sexually too many times. The final issue is the financial one and then I believe we've overcome all the problems that she had.

I know I've let this go om for too long, but this is acually why. I feel like she doesn't want to end our marriage (I could be wrong but I want to eliminate the negative financial sitch and see what happens first). But our marriage csnnot be better than it was unless we get a grip on our fnances and have some free money to enjoy life.

Does that make any sense?

So maybe I need to work on my emotional connection with her so that I'm ok with what she is doing (I'm almost there I think) and GAL and wait for financial sitch to have time to work itself out. Then there are no love busters and at that point if she's not rethinking then ill be ready and able to walk without a massive debt and the burden of the family.

Am I rambling advinva? Does that make any sense? I've been following your thread and think its awesome that you are taking charge of your budget!! Good for you girl!

[SM34]

In a lot of ways, what might possble happen now is a correction in the roles we played in our previous marriage..

I stop assuming the role of parent, which I never wanted. I've tried to show her that a job and career would be good for her and for us. I even signed for her student loan. But she didn't ever do anything with it (her interior design degree).

Now, since the day she got the job, she has wanted to pay all that she can. I think she realizes that I've been under a lot of pressure and that in a lot of ways that wasn't a fair burden to put soley on me. Plus she will feel better about herself when she is contributing.

Does it make sense to work together as co parents to fix our finances. She seems to wait to and has never wanted to run and leave me with all the debt.

Of course I would need to really drop the expectations and just let go, and let God as they say. If it results in D, or R, we would be in a better place either way if we work together to fix this mess.

Is this fantasy talk? I don't think it is really. I've accepted her decision. But we can get so much further so much quicker if we work together.... and we could recalibrate our relationship into one of equals.

[SM34]

Gabbysmom I just saw your comment on the previous page. Yes you are absolutely correct, she has not wanted to end the M or the A.

I'd just really like to fix the lack of money problem either way. I'm focused on my daughter who is young and doesn't understand anything yet. I woul like to use W income to pay down our debt and be in a better position to provide for Daughter regardless of the outcome.

So I guess our relationship would turn into a business one, which it already has. In the meantime I'm working on being happy by myself and not NEEDING someones words of affirmation etc.. working to fix my business

I still think the A will come to an end and I know that doesn't mean anything or guarantee a R, and that I don't like the idea of being second best. Ill have to cross that bridge when I get to it....if ever.

Thoughts? This is tough stuff!

[SM34]

Of course I've thought of that. And I'm sure its quite true.

On the flip side, I could have the best financial situation in14 years because this is the first time shes worked in our entire relationship.

As a man, my priority right niw is to stop te bleeding financially. That has been my biggest stress point from before BD, and even now. It bothers me more than her actions, sadly. If I was at least breaking even I could do something.

I don't know, maybe that's crazy thinking. But I just think the best thing for me and for D3 right now is for W to stay and help with her new found income.

What would be the disadvantage of that? If I can detach fully and not be bothered by her BS, is it a bad idea? Obviously not for ever, but I'm thinking more like 3 to 6 months.