Limbo is the new normal

[slow_it_down]

NeedingMore I can tell you that I am regularly reminded that I'm on his timeframe - not mine.

This week has been really good but life is still keeping me on my toes. I feel I'm being tested at every turn. I tend to want to fix everything or to be the one saving my H from his feelings. I'm doing a much better job of validating without offering advice for dealing with frustrations in my H's life. I'm really seeing that he wants a listener, not an advisor.

I'm also not taking his moods personally and am seeing that most of what upsets him has absolutely nothing to do with me - even if he takes it out on me at times. Often if I just let something go rather than putting energy into letting him get to me, he gets a good night sleep and he's a brand new person the next day.

For example he had a miserable time out with friends and made it seem like I'm to blame for not understanding how bummed he was. In my mind I thought, gee, I haven't had free time in 3 months since our son was born, and your complaining about not having enough fun when you can do whatever you want, whenever you want.... But I just let him be in a bad mood, offered a listening ear and let it go. The next day he texted me a shirtless picture of himself. Talk about a very nice reward for not being drawn into a fight!

Part of me is so happy to be feeling like I'm getting the hang of being a better wife. The other part is wondering where life is about to go. My H is frustrated with work and is ready to apply for a new job. A new job likely means a move far away. I told him I'm not going anywhere several months ago. I'm not leaving the safety of my job and the security of having help from my family to move away with someone who has yet to move back home.

I know he doesn't want to move away from me and our S but he feels he can't stay in this job any longer. I feel he's testing my conviction in saying I won't move. I feel the needs of my kids is directly pitted against his needs right now and it's a big problem. I hate not knowing what the future holds. I need a crystal ball so I can plan more than 2 months out!

[NeedingMore]

Slow,

I feel the same way about being a better girlfriend and person in general. Sometimes I think back to such a short time ago when I was pressuring him and wish I would have done better all along. Then part of me thinks that I wish he could just talk to me about everything that has happened. Sometimes I feel that letting things go is like avoiding the elephant in the room. How do you decide when to talk about important issues? I feel like I can't talk to my BF about my feelings at all. That is what I have a hard time dealing with. Like as long as I act like everything is OK and his actions aren't hurtful, we are good. And we are in a holding pattern that is torture. I also need that crystal ball...just for some relief of my mind.

I can relate to the needs of my kids being pitted against. My BF doesn't have any kids of his own...and he loves my kids but doesn't seem interested in them beyond a phone call here and there. I feel super guilty for how much time I spend worrying about what will happen with my BF and how it takes me away emotionally from focusing on them. They always come first...

If your H moved home how would you feel about moving?

[slow_it_down]

How do you decide when to talk about important issues? I feel like I can't talk to my BF about my feelings at all. That is what I have a hard time dealing with. Like as long as I act like everything is OK and his actions aren't hurtful, we are good. And we are in a holding pattern that is torture. I also need that crystal ball...just for some relief of my mind.

As tough as this is, would you rather get answers but have them be negative ones? You might have to suck up your own feelings for a good long while unfortunately. If things are good when you act like everything is ok... then keep acting like everything is ok. Holding patterns are way better than having nothing right?

And to answer the moving question, no, even if he came back I wouldn't move. I've wrestled w/ this possibility many times. I even agreed to move earlier in DBing only to have him leave me again shortly thereafter. Luckily that move didn't happen and it was a good reminder that things are too unreliable to make that kind of change right now.

[NeedingMore]

Yeah, you are right. I need reminders about keeping the positive changes going, despite my feelings or the things he is doing to hurt me. This is the only place you get that kind of encouragement. My friends and family are annoyed with him because they can see how hard this time is for me.

BF did ask me what I am doing for my Bday which is in 1 week. He wanted to know if I have to work, so it sounds like he is making plans of some sort, which is interesting. We'll see. At least he is thinking about it. I had zero expectations about it and was preparing myself for nothing happening there...so at least I know he didn't forget!!

I think it is good you are standing firm on the moving thing. I don't know everything about his work situation, but it sounds like you are being strong and he will have to make some decisions that are based around his family instead of vice versa. You have been a real inspiration to me for strength. I remember reading in you thread about the time when your H was leaving your house and you just felt different about things, like right when you were ready to detach. I think about that and it helps me know I can do the same. Thank you!

How are your kids doing?

[slow_it_down]

The ring is back on!

Yesterday, my H left for a week long trip. In the evening he texted me a pic of his hand and said "have to get used to having this on again" with his wedding band back on his finger for the first time since he moved out back in May. It was nice to think I was on his mind at 3am when he got up to leave for his trip that he thought to put it on before heading out.

Unfortunately, this means I'm pretty close to having the dreaded conversation where I have to tell him I lost my engagement ring and band. He's going to be really bummed and probably angry since he paid for them.

Even though he was gone and seeing someone else I still remember being absolutely heartsick when I realized I had misplaced them back in May shortly after I took them off. I regret ever taking them from the safety of my finger and I don't know how to break it to him that they are gone.

[NeedingMore]

Oh my gosh! I went from excitement to fear in one minute reading this! I can imagine how scary this will be for you to tell him, especially since it is a big deal he put his on again. And yes, very sweet for him to text you that pic. First of all, congrats on that. I am so happy for you!

I am trying to think about this. There is no easy way of telling him. You'll just have to do it. Is there any conceivable chance that you could find it? Maybe he will be glad to start new and buy you a new one?? Wink wink?

[Confluences]

Wow..that's some serious progress, Slow. I was catching up on the thread tonight and talk about miracles at Christmas, that's really a blessing. I hate you lost your ring but he could always get you a different one as a sign of leaving your old marriage in the past.

I wear my wedding band to Church on Sundays and I sit next to this lady that used to work with my Wife, who is a very sweet older lady. Anyway, I forgot to wear it running a couple Sundays ago and she grabbed my hand and was asked what happened to it. It was comforting.

Anyway, Slow, I would really take the opportunity to talk through things with him and go thru that piecing process but definitely ignoring his moods are a good thing. I have to do that with my W when she gets on her high horse...just ignore it.

I am really happy for you and the fact that all your patience is starting to gel for you.

NeedingMore.....the key with this stuff is patience....which is not easy, especially when it's easy to get consumed with anger and wanting to point fingers about difficult circumstances. Slow has really been and continues to be a great ally on here and I hope she does not disappear as things hopefully progress in the right direction.

[labug]

Wow I've been since 3/11 and I don't think I've been to this board more that 2-3 times. Hello world!

I came here because of your post to Positive Spin about your XH.

You've got a lot on your plate. What are the ages of your older children?

[slow_it_down]

Hi Labug,
Thanks for stopping by. My older kids are 6 and 9. I do have a plateful, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Some days I feel completely overwhelmed by life but I've seen enough ups and downs to know that if I can weather the tough times there are much better days ahead.

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, I wouldn't exactly call this a Christmas miracle. The first half of his trip he called and texted constantly... the second half barely a peep and always short replies. He usually calls several times on his 12 hour ride back, this time he didn't call at all and when I called to see if he was on the road he wouldn't even tell me what time he left. Something is definitely up. As I've learned it's always 1 step forward, 2 steps back. (Or 10 or 12 sometimes).

I did ask if everything was ok and he replied that we needed to talk in person. Insert ominous clouds here.

But you know what? I'm not letting his moods or feelings come between me and an awesome Christmas! Whatever he's got to say won't stop me from taking S4 months to see Christmas lights tomorrow, or from drinking fun drinks and eating yummy food on Christmas Eve, or enjoying time with my folks on Christmas Day or loving the look on my kids faces when they come back from their dads next Saturday to open presents at my place.

And to prove that I'm immune to his Debbie-downering I made sure to get up and do a dorky little dance in my kitchen, alone, when my favorite Charlie Brown Christmas song came on the radio while I was wrapping presents tonight. I highly recommend spontaneous kitchen dancing, it's so good for the soul.