Sigh. Doing ok for the most part. H still seems to be texting Floormop from what I can tell on the phone bills. So I was wrong about it slowing down. Sigh. Why doesn't he get sick of her. I don't understand how he can be here most of the time and see her too, enough to make her happy. SIGH.
He told me about his bad day at work last night, and was venting. I just listened and validated. Then when he was done, I said 'sorry hon, that sounds awful. Do you need a hug?' and I spread my arms out like, come and get it, and I smile. He said 'nah, I'm ok...but I could use a back crack'. We used to crack each other's backs using the bear hug method. So I did and I'm thinking 'didn't want a hug huh', while I cracked his back.
I wish I knew what was going on with him. The past week or so he has looked tired. Then yesterday he actually didn't shave so his beard was growing out a bit. He just looked ragged and tired. I asked him about the beard and he said 'Just being lazy'.
Then this morning he shaved it off. I told him I hoped his day was better today. He has called me twice today but it was about logistical stuff with our S, mostly. He also mentioned he had to work a bit late tonight and then tomorrow as work is stacking up. I really wonder if he is actually working tomorrow...
I hate the wondering, married people should know what the other is doing and feel good enough to trust that. It sukks when you don't have that confidence.
I told him I was bummed he had to work late because I was going to ask him if he wanted to go see the new hobbit movie. He loves those movies. He did sound positive about it but said maybe we could do it tomorrow night.
He does seem to have more clarity than he has in the past. Still a few forgetful things here and there. But he does look me in the eye now when talking, will actually stop what he's doing when I start talking, is open to full body hugs. S.I.G.H.
Maybe now that he's kind of out of the fog stage and moving into a clarity stage is a good sign. Why doesn't he want to be a good person and do the right thing, that is so disappointing. How can a person be happy lying...to someone who used to mean something to them.
I feel like he looks at me like just someone who is there. Not anyone who means anything to him.
Just ventin'.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
