Thanks for the 2X4's, I have only good intentions with regards to her. I have read the books two times. She's been holding on the nice car for a month now since I first mentioned already refinancing the other one in to my name and us switching which is why I'm impatient about her answering me.
I'm going to an urban hiking meetup tonight on the riverwalk, 30+ people going, so I'm hoping that will be an enjoyable time and a good way to take my mind off of things for awhile.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I think it's more about not feeling vulnerable and not telling me anything personal. She put walls up a long time ago, it seems impenetrable, I don't think any bricks have come down.
I also guess she is not used to hearing anything like that from me, so probably thinks there is a motive. I was being genuine. I asked her to include my sister who just went through a breakup and my grandmother who is not doing well. That's all I was looking for I guess. Kinda surprised at the alien reaction I got.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
"I think it's more about not feeling vulnerable and not telling me anything personal. She put walls up a long time ago, it seems impenetrable, I don't think any bricks have come down."
Think of her detachment like a wall surrounding a castle. You batter at the wall and all it does is fortify it. You have to be malleable like water. Find little cracks in the wall. Make your way here and there. When you're "stopped" flow to another crack. Eventually the wall will come down. It took three years before I saw ANY cracks in my W.
"I also guess she is not used to hearing anything like that from me, so probably thinks there is a motive."
You're mindreading.
"I asked her to include my sister who just went through a breakup and my grandmother who is not doing well. That's all I was looking for I guess. Kinda surprised at the alien reaction I got."
You wanted to involve your family while she feels uncomfortable with being around you. It's understandable on her part why she doens't want your family around. She already feels uncomfortable and you asked her to be even more uncomfortable. Did you really think she would want your sister around who just broke up while she's going through her own breakup?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When I say include, I meant in her prayers, not physically.
She sent my sister a Facebook message before she unfriended everyone saying she had to unfriend her because "this is how it has to be" and that she wanted my sister to be in contact with her. Anyway, she cares for both my sister and grandmother, so I didn't think asking for prayers for them was out of line.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
We're exchanging vehicles early tomorrow morning before work. I'm going to make sure I look and smell good, keep the meeting positive, give her the vehicle maintenance records, and the clean car with a full tank of gas, and a coupon I saved for $20 off an oil change from the Ford dealer since I will now have the Toyota.
Other than that not having any expectations, expecting a quick meeting and exchange. Not planning to discuss anything other than vehicle related issues.
Thanks for bringing me back down to Earth on the mind reading and expectations of her responses to my email. I know expectations are premeditated resentments so I'll just brush it aside and move forward.
One of my best college buddies is coming for Saturday night and Sunday and staying over at the house with me, so it will be fun to catch-up with him and take my mind off of things with a (sober) night out on the town.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Met with W this morning to exchange vehicles at our normal Starbucks meeting spot off the route of her way to work. It went pretty well, only superficial vehicle talk. She had the car washed/detailed before she gave it back to me, it didn't come with a full gas tank however (I topped hers off last night.)
She did comment on how shiny her 12 year old car looked. I let her know my father and I waxed it while he was in town a few weeks back, and that I had also put another coat of wax on a couple of days ago. I let her know about the upcoming service and such, and something weird it does when you fill it up with gas.
We traded keys, and rather than ask her to go in and get coffee or anything, I just said I had errands to run and I had to get going. I ran said errands and when I got home to press the garage door opener button, I noticed it was not there.
She took the garage door opener from the car? We have two, they are identical. She actually removed it from the vehicle. There is a keypad on the outside of the garage and she knows the code, so I'm confused why she would think that I would take the garage door opener from her, as if this would limit her access or something?
So I called her and asked nicely if it was just located somewhere else. She sounded surprised that I had left the garage door opener in her car for her? I'm so perplexed by this woman. So I asked her nicely if after work she could just drop one of the openers in the garage, as it would be pretty inconvenient to have to get out and open and close it leaving each time. She actually sounded kind of annoyed at my request. Odd.
Anyway, I'm glad I took the time to put the love into her vehicle before giving it back to her. I let her know about the oil change coupon. I took the high road. Class. Honor. Dignity.
I do wonder if I missed an opportunity in going in for coffee with her, but she got to see me looking/smelling good and doing my own thing after the necessary business was done.
I'm going to work out, and head to work until 8:30, have work tomorrow as well, church and then my buddy from college comes to visit. Looking forward to a fun weekend with him.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
As I reflect back on seeing her, I was actually really nervous at this one for some reason. I did see glimpses of my old W though as we chatted. It's really hard to have no expectations when our in person meetings go so well (my opinion.) She even said something about the car wash guy saying "Welcome Mrs. K!" since they have your last name from the license plate. She is still proud to use my last name apparently, I just gathered that from the way she relayed it to me.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Glad you were able to get you vehicle back, I know that's something that you really wanted to get done. Hope you have a great weekend with your friend!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thanks Mimi, I'm glad I have it back because the other one was her car prior to marriage. I felt weird driving it, it felt like it was on its last legs from time to time. If I were a betting man, I'd say her parents will get her something else pretty quickly now that we've traded, but I could be wrong. Don't get me wrong, I want her to be in a safe vehicle, and I hope her old car continues to run well.
I'm glad I now have a safe reliable vehicle to take myself and the dog around in.
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
I guess you could look at today as quite a setback in most respects, but it's the first time my W has given me something substantive since this began.
We are trying to divide things up, and are getting into the nitty gritty. Unfortunately, things may be turning ugly after I just let her know my feelings. That this is hard emotionally and killing me, and that I never thought I would end up here. She sent me the following email- "If I can be completely honest and blunt... Here are my thoughts on your thoughts as far as you not knowing that you would be in this situation... I had no idea the man I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with would deceive me from Day 1 and shatter my dreams.
You say it's killing you each step in the process of the divorce and I have been holding back any comments regarding my feelings in an attempt to keep this civil. I don't want to open pandora's box.
Your expeditious handling of this matter will allow me to continue my healing process."
I sent back the following- "Hello W,
Thank you for your honesty and bluntness. I understand why you feel that I deceived you from Day 1.
I will continue to be civil moving forward- no matter what. Please don't feel you need to hold back on expressing your feelings for my sake. If you would feel better getting your feelings toward me out, I want you to know you can do that by any means you deem appropriate.
As far as my feelings, I have internalized them my entire life. I am working on being more open with my feelings. I only intended to let you know this was very difficult emotionally for me. I am not enjoying this. I don't delight in your pain. I am in no means implying that the opposite is true and you delight in my pain. I know I am not the victim. I apologize if you perceived me as stating that.
Respectfully, H"
How did I do? 2X4 time?
H: 29 WAXW: 30
Bomb Drop- 9/9/13 Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14 D Final- 5/21/14 XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
