Julie- I can relate to your #1. To me, it feels like I've been abandoned. Like my H never had my back when I was not at my best and now here we are, standing by them through all this crap!
Labug is right-If the drinking affects you negatively, then it doesn't matter what label it has. Going to the meetings could give the peace of mind that you are not alone.
I feel for those with special needs children. I can see how you could totally devote your life to them and leave the marriage on the back burner without even realizing it. We have friends with a special needs son. Their marriage was in trouble for awhile, but they managed to recover and are better than ever.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Thanks Ad I do agree re: the value of Labugs advice. It is always what I need to hear at the right time.
That is why I am hoping she or others with experience may chime in. I realize this is something I will probably need off board advice as well.
I have been working very hard to not be controlling with H and it is easy to do because we barely speak. I have also been doing better at not allowing my emotions to be controlled by his actions.
With regards to his drinking he is in a downward spiral. Drinking every night. Stopping to get a beer on way home from work (I can smell it). Stumbling around in middle of night. Don't know if OW is a drinker but he has another new female friend that often invites him out drinking.
I have stepped back and almost hope something will happen to make him hit rock bottom. EXCEPT I am afraid it will happen while he is alone with S. The other night I came home and found H asleep/passed out with a beer next to him. Timer on microwave going off and food burning in oven. He didn't wake up for another hour.
I have to go to work and leave H aline with S. What can I say and how do I say it in a way he might actually listen and not see ut as more of the same controlling and complaining?
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Julie - I know that this is not DBing, but I think that you should talk to a L about getting H out of your house and getting a formal agreement in place to protect yourself and your S. I know that it will be hard but I dont think that you will be able to have a conversation with your H in this state and get him to agree to anything. I completely understand why you are not comfortable leaving your S with him.
You dont want to wait for your H to hit rock bottom. My H got a DUI at the BEGINNING of his crisis. I thought that spending time in jail would be his rock bottom. It was only the beginning on his decline. I know that I cant save/fix my H. You cant save/fix your H either. They need to save/fix themselves.
One of my best friend's went through something similar. Her H was an alcoholic and addict. She got a legal separation in place. Her L helped her get things in place in the event that her H tired to get unsupervised visitation or custody. She had previously spent years begging her H to get help. It was not until she made these really difficult decisions that her H agreed to enter rehab. He is sober and clean and they are back together and happy.
Julie, 3 gave you some very solid things to think about.
Your job isn't to save your H or to hang around until he hits bottom. You're job is to take care of you and then take care of your kids. Always put the oxygen mask on your face first.
You can't say anything that will make him hear you. He's lost right now so waiting for him to get it is just not going to work. So get out of his way, make sure you and the kids are safe and let him live his life just the way he wants.
That's really all you can do.
Did you go to a meeting this week?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Julie-I agree with 3 and labug. What a tough situation. Certainly you don't want his rock bottom to occur when he has your son. I am feeling for you.
It isn't exactly DBing, but I think you need to go into protection mode for you and your son.
Maybe getting your H out of the house will be real 180 for you and eye opener for him? Scary decision to make, and he may not handle it well. Take care of yourself.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Thank you all. I have worked things out for next three weeks to be home with s in evenings. I am hoping to have an opportunity to talk to FIL over Christmas.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Labug. I did go to meeting on wed. I think next time I need to look into getting a sponsor to "work the program." It is crazy how things have progressed. I came on here a month ago with what seemed like a normal DB sitch and now it is such a mess.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
