Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[sandi2]

It's the waiting game. As much as I GAL and put on a happy face, I don't like months and months of uncertainty. Especially when I have to see W several times a day.

Dating comes before courtship, courtship before engagement, engagement before marriage. Think of this as the prelude to reconciliation.

[S4tk]

It's the waiting game. As much as I GAL and put on a happy face, I don't like months and months of uncertainty. Especially when I have to see W several times a day.

Dating comes before courtship, courtship before engagement, engagement before marriage. Think of this as the prelude to reconciliation.

Sandi,

Excellent advice. What does the path to reconciliation look like? How do I know when/if it is time to test the waters?

s4tk

[S4tk]

New development. For a while I had suspected a possible OM but my huntches were a bit vague and I thought that all of the emotional drama and uncertainty was making me paranoid.

Back in May we received 3 bottles of wine from an old friend of W who lives in a sophisticated European country. I believe he was neighbors with W in high school. W and this guy are also the same nationality (my W is from a small Eastern European country). I didn't think much of it because in her culture people are gifting each other all the time.

Then at the end of May my iPad updated and I accidentally set it up wrong and got some of her iMessages. One single message was received from someone with a cell prefix from the same sophisticated European country. It was in W's home language and very flirty. Something like, "(W name) you've become so charming. You are irrestible, O God."

I was away on a business trip and still clueless (this was pre-BD). I texted W and told her what happened. She said she wasn't sure who it was but maybe it was the "wine" friend and maybe he had gotten drunk and texted something in appropriate. She said she would take care of it. I removed the text and fixed my iPad not to get her messages.

Since bomb drop, she took a trip with a friend to England, and then one to this same sophisticated country. I still wasnt suspecting an OM, and after W brought up the idea, the MC we were seeing for a few sessions suggested W take this trip for some alone time. So she took a four day trip there.

Both trips she really downplayed upon returning. Weather was bad, her anxiety was too bad to enjoy the museums, etc.

Last month she took one more similar trip to a country bordering the country where wine guy lives.

Upon returning from the trip, she took out 6-7 huge cookbooks from the library - cookbooks for learning to cook food in the style of this country. She is also learning 2-3 languages right now, but that country's is one of them.

Finally, the temptation was too strong and I snooped. I logged into her iPhone and W is communicating with the same number where the iMessage come from in May. It is all in her home language (of which I am fluent) and although I didn't see anything overtly sexual or any pics or anything, there is very flirty and tender language being used. And very familiar language, as if this OM knows her very well.

I have been silent for the 48 hours since discovering this. I have not decided whether this is a deal breaker in terms of me continuing to want the M.

A similar thing, which I hesitate to call an EA, happened with W about 7 years ago. And 9 years ago she met up with an old BF without my pre-knowledge, and feelings were expressed. He did not reciprocate.

Advice wanted.

[labug]

I think you first have to decide, Is the contact she's having with this person a dealbreaker for you?

It's a bit like being married to someone whose alcohol consumption is a problem for you but it isn't for them. You get to decide what's a problem for you.

[S4tk]

I think you first have to decide, Is the contact she's having with this person a dealbreaker for you?

It's a bit like being married to someone whose alcohol consumption is a problem for you but it isn't for them. You get to decide what's a problem for you.

The words of Another Stander from a different person's thread seem to be ringing in my ears. To paraphrase, he said that the M ended at BD in the eyes of the WAS. So in one sense, it justifies her actions at least since BD. Knowing that this was happening for at least several months prior to BD, however, gives me feelings of anger and frustration.

Labug - to answer your question... if M restoration were to take place, then it would be a deal breaker for me to "share" her with OM, even if this thing is purely E and not P. I don't mind male friends, but they shouldn't tuck W in with a text a night, send bottles of wine, and deny that communication is happening. These are EA signs, am I right?

If the "deal breaker" question is, "Does this mean the M is over for me as well?" then I am not certain but it will definitely make the whole idea of dropping the rope a lot easier.

Which way is "deal breaker" used in this context?

[labug]

A dealbreaker-partner in deal does x = no deal (deal being marriage in this context)

[S4tk]

I believe we are imperfect people who err. I would be willing to forgive W but with the pattern exhibited so far in our M, I would want her to make changes in her life as I am doing in mine.

If she were unwilling to make changes which would lower the odds of this stuff happening again, then I would probably consider that a deal breaker.

Is this fair?

[S4tk]

I believe we are imperfect people who err. I would be willing to forgive W but with the pattern exhibited so far in our M, I would want her to make changes in her life as I am doing in mine.

If she were unwilling to make changes which would lower the odds of this stuff happening again, then I would probably consider that a deal breaker.

Is this fair?

I'm going to respond to my own post lol. As I consider what I wrote, I am left with a somewhat difficult reality. I am saying that this EA (possibly more, who knows) is a deal breaker only if 1) she one day wants to not be done, and only if 2) at that time she is willing to put effort into making some changes in herself which would improve our intimacy and R.

So here I am becoming s4tk 2.0 (beta tested and bugs in the process of being removed) and I need to do it regardless because I don't know if either 1 or 2 will happen, much less both. This part is beginning to excite me because I really want s4tk 2.0. Actually, in some ways it will be a reversion back to something healthier pre-M. In other ways, it will be a weeding out of some parts of me that need to be weeded out.

But here is the sticky part. I almost want to bring the issue to a head now that I see an A that began several months before BD. I almost want to pack her a bag, tell her the gig is up, and let the chips fall where they may. I'm thinking that would be a win for detaching / dropping the rope / and all those similar "codependent no more" kind of ideas.

On the other hand, what I seem to be hearing from the vets here is that in order to even have a chance to see whether 1) and/or 2) might ever happen, I should sit on my knowledge of this A, put on my happy face, "be the OM", and do it all somehow following the 37 rules as best I can.

The water is getting a little swampy. But at least I'm not scared of the swamp like I was a month ago. I will be OK no matter the outcome.

[JayMan]

The water is getting a little swampy. But at least I'm not scared of the swamp like I was a month ago. I will be OK no matter the outcome.

This is what's important.

[labug]

So, is there an A?

In your first paragraph after the quote, do you mean NOT a dealbreaker?

What you do is completely dependent on you. If her contact with this person in the sophisticated European country is it for you, then you have your answer.