ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

Rock, I'm sorry you are here...I'm also sorry to hear you don't see any light.

Thank you for your encouragement. I'll go read up on you.

Job,

I guess I just didn't see the strength as strength, but as making the best with what I have been given. I usually would cry or withdraw in the face of a challenge, but then I would immediately brainstorm and get creative.

I have had a ton of crap thrown my way, and to this day I've been surprised that I haven't run away screaming from my home.

I always saw myself as being the one who'd have the MLC, not my husband. I saw myself as the weaker of the two and the one to give into temptation. Once I almost did, but it didn't happen.

I still feel shame over it today, for that I did not tell my H. I never wanted to hurt him in that manner. Ironic isn't it?

Raising my first, and yes I was the one who put the most into her, was a great challenge. She was a walking talking dichotomy. Because her package was wrapped up in adorable, most people didn't see the inner turmoil she suffered or the issues she caused for the whole family. She was a mess of contradictions. My second had anxiety and depression along with OCD. She tried to be the "perfect" child, and I would have to find something to discipline. I had to teach her that being perfect was not what I wanted nor expected.

Add the marriage on top of the above , it was a very stressful life. Several times my H. made decisions that were not the best, and we would find ourselves struggling. Even then , I could always make do.

He really is frustrated and has major regrets over money, retirement and the future. I understand this, and this is one of the reasons I jumped at going back to work. There were times when I did work part-time, and when not, offered to.

I can't help but wonder what he is spending on, and part of me feels like I should be in the know. I just don't want to get into that presently. I want a job first!

My finals are next week, SH!T, I'm terrified due to concentration. I have to put a damn project together with a young woman who has no clue how to research. She is Lebanese, (adorable) but not very bright.

Earlier it was told to us that our projects were ours. I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do. Then we get to practical, and surprise! It has to be a group project.

Yesterday I had to tell her verbatim how to search for info on the net. @@ I spent 3 1/2 hours trying to get her to do this.

She kept saying things like: "The information is not out there.", " I can't find it. ," What you want can't be done."

@@ She is 29 and is helpless! I pretty much gave her a tiny bit , and phrased questions to enter in the search bar. Later last night I got a text with a picture of basically an outline for what was needed. Then she asked how she did?

I still have not responded because I don't want to tell her what I really think. I will eventually respond with , great! Thank you!

I want to win this project contest, and I'm not going to let her drag me down. It is important to me, and it pisses me off that they chose to change the "rules" at the last minute!

Okay, now I'm a short tempered b!tch, who has not time or patience for this , especially at this time of the season, year, and yes my f-ing life!

I will get through the next week somehow, but I may not like who I am during it.

I'm going to the gym, yet again. Down another lb.

Going to Giant for waffle ingredients

Making some waffles

Then going to get some band lashes applied for the Twenties themed dance tonight. I researched the make-up of flappers and have it down for tonight. I would love to post a pic. on FB but have no clue how to do it from the pad I use. The costume is adorable! I have all the stuff from my own wardrobe and accessories. From opera length pearls, seamed stockings, garters, dress ( tennis dress ), hat ( flipped brim cloche ). The lashes will give that POW they had in the day. Their eyes were done . I even have a Betty Boop lunch box purse!

I will need this today and tonight. The music helps me soooo much. We will be doing a lot of Charleston tonight!

Job, I will turn on music when I get back. Sometimes if I play it real loud and sing it does relieve stress.

This weekend will be tough, for today makes 10 days with no contact...I'm not sure if I should even mention Christmas...

I kinda feel I should still invite brother though, it isn't his fault.