In what universe...? part five

[TryingToDo180]

I've not updated for a while, so I thought I'd better, lol. No news from H, though he did pop in the other day and left a toy mouse on top of my monitor. Very strange! I think it's his way of telling me he's been here, but who's knows, lol.
Anyway the trip to the German market was good, my son was wowed by it I didn't realise he'd not been before and he loved it The film was good as well
I've been thinking more lately of moving on. I'm fed up of H at the mo, I've not seen him for a while but I want a bit of company and I'm fed up with being on my own with just my son for company. I want more hugs, not bothered about the other bit though atm, lol.
I think I've mentioned before about this other chap who works at the youth club I help out with. I don't know if he's being friendly or whether he does like me, but he's always quite chatty. He's quite nice and I think about him a lot. I also think about the decorator as well, lol, that hug was kinda nice I'm still not going to go there with the decorator though, no sirree
Anyway, nearly everytime we chat I find I've got something else in common with him! I'm not looking for things in common, it's just really strange how we have. He is a bit of a flirt with all the girls there and as the only bloke there he probably feels outnumbered. I'm not sure how old he is, but I know he's more my age I look forward to going to the youth club more since he's started Like you said before NQ, it does wonders for your PMA Does anyone else feel like this at times, to forget about your spouse and move on?
Trouble is you get friends all the time saying to move on and get over him and why would you want him back after all he's done! I always say I'm standing for my marriage, but when I talk to non Christian friends they don't understand. I get fed up of saying this and then I start wondering why I am standing for my marriage. The last time a friend said that to me, I just said I don't know why.
At the mo I've found that other men have got more going for them than my H. I have felt like this for a while now. He's still not got a job because he's got depression and anxiety, but even though I've supported him through this he still leaves! Depression is definitely contagious and when I caught it off him, he had no compassion. I would go to bed in the afternoon and he would moan to me about it, I would have no enthusiasm for cleaning and tidying the house or being intimate with him. I was just so down with his depression that I felt sometimes it was just an excuse for him not to work and he just didn't float my boat like he used to.
When he is working though, things are a lot different. He's happier and I feel happier and I'm more likely to be intimate with him. I still feel he gave up on our marriage too easily without trying to sort it out. But then that was because of the state he was in when he left. It's just annoying when you spend years putting up with them and then they just decide that enough is enough.
He's also annoying me lately. He's being nice, but like on Sunday when he dropped my son off he said "ta ta" instead of bye when he was going. It just really irritates me when he says that, it's one of the new words he's added to his vocab and I hate it with a passion.
I think though a lot of this is because I'm pre-menopausal and I get very irritated easily. I'm probably going through a MLC now, lol. I've also started paying more attention when I get attention, I wasn't that bothered before. I'm not going to spell it out, but you get my drift
Anyway, I'll just have to see what happens. I'll not be having him back unless he sorts out his debts and gets a proper job. I'm sure that God will guide me on my way, but I feel that I'm being tempted or tested at the mo.