Wife Said She's Done

[Positivespin]

There will be time. How long before you have to sign and return? Heck, I havent received papers yet and I have my first mediation next Thursday.

The mediator told me that she has personally witnessed several couples R during the process- she said its a wake up call.

dont point out changes youve made to her. She needs to recognize them herself but understand, you a VERY new to this. My W is still in the fog and im going a year- many on here have gone MUCH longer.

Stay focused on you- Its the only change you can effectively make right now....Have you tried going to a 12 step? I understand your not a raging alcoholic but seeing others much worse off then you right now may help with perspective.

[OneDay]

Agggggh. I just can't shake this from my thoughts, I do for awhile then its back. Im being happy, strong, patient, and kind of quite at home. Im listening, using eye contact, agreeing. Im doing 180's, Im trying to detach. The thing for me that I cant get out of my head is the TIME.

- On Oct 19 she said she was done and wanted a D.

- On Nov 26 She filed for D with Attorney

- Now today Im getting the papers, Merry Christmas

[PatientMan]

Agggggh. I just can't shake this from my thoughts, I do for awhile then its back. Im being happy, strong, patient, and kind of quite at home. Im listening, using eye contact, agreeing. Im doing 180's, Im trying to detach. The thing for me that I cant get out of my head is the TIME.

- On Oct 19 she said she was done and wanted a D.

- On Nov 26 She filed for D with Attorney

- Now today Im getting the papers, Merry Christmas

Focus on what you can control. There's no reason to worry about the things you cannot.

-PM

[OneDay]

Well I got the D paper yesterday after work. It was tough at first, but I knew it was coming so it wasn't that much of a shock.

When I got home I put on my happy /upbeat face and remained positive all night (That was tough) I didnt talk much, as usual, but she brought up Small Talk Several times.

What really got to me, Later that night, she came around the corner and asked nicely "did the processor ever get a hold of you". I responded with "Yes He Did" She then said "O I didnt know, Not that you would have told me anyway" I responded and with "He did and I got everything I need"

I was just kind of perturbed by her that, but I didnt let it show. I just keep trying to remember patients and to do my 180's.

[Positivespin]

Hey- you got them...that piece is done. No more anxiety. Whats the next step?

What are you doing this weekend?

[OneDay]

Your right positive., thanks for all your words of encouragement.

You know Im actually feeling good today, Upbeat and happy. Im going to take my steps/character modifications and my W actions as Positives. She is opening up to me alot and wants to tell me about things in her day. She also voicing her frustration to me about the boys behavior and states (I AM SO OVER IT) I told her we will work on it. Im going to talk to her more about tonight and use the Think, Feel, Want technique, See below

So this weekend, Im working out after work, then going out with my good buddy Travis for awhile.

Saturday I'll be hanging out with my Son all day/evening. Probably workout again, and taking him to dinner/movie. (W is working, and said she has plans Saturday night, "after I told her I had plans Friday")

Sunday, going to church and that is as far as I have planned for now.

My counselor told me these 3 things I should be asking my W and I want to share with everyone because I feel they will work in any relationship. Here they are and you dont have to use them in order or even together.
1. Think (what do think about the ??? or Tell me what you think about ???)
2. Feel (how did it make you feel or How does that make you feel)
3. Want (Is there anything you want from me or Is there anything I can do)

[OneDay]

You know one minute Im feeling confident the next Im a wreck.

I have this awful feeling that WAS is thinking, wow he is taking this better than expected, we are actually friends, he is helping with the kids, helping around the house, this will be the easiest D ever. We can still be best buddies after the D and he will always be there for me. It will be great.

Obviously thats just my thought.

Also should I tell her I received the D papers or talk about the next steps in the D?

[OneDay]

anyone?

[adinva]

Hi, i'm reading but wasnt sure i had answers. Will give it a shot.

What purpose is telling her you received the papers? If she asks, then answer. Same with next steps, not sure why you need to discuss with her. You are shaky and emotional and not in a place to pursue things. Just wait. Get your feet back under you.

Get legal advice.

Re what she's thinking about how you're acting. You dont know and she cant tell you (what she believes she feels will change over time) so stop mindreading. Evaluate instead from your own side. Do you want to be a man who has dignity and confidence, who helps around the house because it's the right thing to do, who feels hurt but not destroyed?

Do you think being the opposite would make you more attractive or less?

Do you think any good marriage was rebuilt out of a WAS sensing that her h was going to be unpleasant or distraught if she didnt come back and fix things? In my opinion that would cause her to dig in her heels. You being ok allows her space to figure out if she's doing the right thing for her.

[OneDay]

adinva, Thank you so much for your response. I read it over and over this weekend. You are correct on every point, and I thank you again for the encouragement and wisdom.

This weekend went really well. I took my S-10 to a movie (Thor) and out to Dinner. WAS was working until 2 so I texted her to tell her my plans. I asked if she wanted to join us but she had plans to get her hair cut. So around 7:45 WAS comes home and said "I got us a movie" (I was shocked, as she told me earlier in the week that she had plans Saturday night) A bit later, without me asking, she said she had to bail on her friends as she was mentally exhausted. So we watched the movie and she was really chatty with me, just small talk, but still chatty.

Now on Sunday I didn't really see her until about 3:00pm . (I went to church, worked out, Christmas Shopping and Grocery Shopping) When I got home at 3:00pm she talked my ear off the rest of the day to later that evening. I did not start any conversation and Im trying to DETACH, but its really hard as she is really chatty. She has even been asking for my opinion and advise and certain things.

I was so proud of myself this Morning. My S-10 was giving his mom a hard time and I could tell she was right on verge of loosing it, So I intervened and calmly told my son he was being disrespectful and disobedient and there has to be a consequence, which was 5 mins in time out. I never lost it or raised my voice (which is a huge 180 for me). When I came around the corner WAS looked me in the eyes and sincerely said Thank You for doing that.

Im going to take all of this as POSITIVE. Im still trying to Detach and GAL. Im finally getting that all of this, (the 180's, Detaching, Positive Goal) are for me and the rest of my life.