RealityTrip is back from her voyage into "Me" Land

[Positivespin]

My mom had a double knee replacement....I pray that the good lord above and sweet baby Jesus give you strength, at a level above and beyond any you have been given before- You will need it !

[RealityTrip]

Thx Spin And yes, A.S, she was a Bball player in college and then coached collegiate as well. It's been a long time coming for this surgery.

JOURNAL:

Day one in the hospital coming to an end. The in-laws visited briefly. They are just too old to stay very long so they are back at our house. W is loopy, lovey-dovey, emotional. I know all her efforts and mental energy are focused on her recovery through a foggy, pain medication haze. And I am here for her.

Both of our phones constantly go off with love and support from friends and family. Wonderful. W asks me to read her the text messages from her phone and then tells me what to type back to her family and friends. But xAP has been reactivated thanks to my W's call to her the other day. She found a way to circumvent the "do not contact us, I just wanted to tell you about the surgery" conversation my W says she had with her. (what else did my W expect to happen? AAAggghhhhh!!!!)

Earlier today W got two texts on her phone from numbers she did not know and weren't in her phone. I read them to her and replied her thanks as she instructed me too... the texts, (we found out by asking them who they were in the reply)... were from the xAP's best friend and the xAP's own mother.

Yeah. xAP got a call from W telling her about surgery... xAP connection activated. Backhands my sanity by giving my W's cell number to her friend and mother to have them "contact" her instead.

And me?... Oh, I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place. Need to re-enforce my boundaries and protect myself from W's backslide and xAP's disrespect but my W is knocked out on pain meds with both of her knees sawed off and reattached and my late-seventysomething inlaws are visiting from out of state.

So I ask the Oracle, How the h*ll do I DB my way out of this one? (on 4 hours sleep)

[Wonka]

RT,

I'd lay low for a while to allow W to recover from the post-op and enjoy your time with the ILs. When W is somewhat clear headed from the operation drugs and things are a bit more settled, then I'd bring up the contact with the xAP and how it made you feel. NC needs to happen to protect the M and allow it to thrive in a stronger M. Frame it as respecting and valuing you. Then offer to aid her in the NC letter. There's a good amount of templates to look at if you Google 'NC letter to affair partner'.

You might want to have W read the book After the Affair by Janis Spring.

[RealityTrip]

(((Wonka))) Thanks friend. I know I need to sit on it and get W through this recovery. It's tough to balance my ultimate goal of taking care of me and being here for her while she goes through this.

xAP sent W a private FB message yesterday. It read "How are you doing?" W got upset. Or acted upset. Apologizing over and over to me. I just let it go at this point. I told her she can't control what xAP does. Inside I'm thinking... "Well, you started it. You never should have called her to tell her about surgery because you thought she "deserved" to know."

W messeged her back, "I am doing well. You are sweet to check on me but we agreed that you would not try to contact me."

Again, W's choice. I thought she should have ignored it. But I don't offer advice or try to reason with her anymore in regards to the A or the xAP. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in a dark room with W waiting for her to find the light switch.

JOURNAL:
I have had the misfortune of having a third person in my marriage. The dreaded AP/xAP. I am processing some of the affects of that. Outside of my W and my marriage, the xAP was a close friend. So lucky me... even more to process.

Just after BD, my self esteem took a nose dive. "why her? she's better than me?" all of that natural comparison junk that I eventually got over. I got stronger. I remembered who RT is and there's no doubt, hands down, I am in a different league. So after I got back to that point, I got angry. So angry. Dreaming of stabbing xAP in the eyes with icepicks angry. Oh... I prayed. I gave her to God. I tried to meditate and envision light surrounding her and fulfilling her so she would no longer be a destructive force in other people's lives. Yada, yada, yada... (I stunk at that. It always ended in an icepick ) But now, I have moved in to residual anger/pity for my ex-friend.

W just made one of the biggest decisions of her life. To end years of chronic pain and undergo a major orthapedic surgery. Something she has been terrified of doing. But I have to say, if the tables were turned, and I had been the one who received a phonecall from W the day before surgery as an afterthought, or if I had been the one that was NOT chosen to be by her side when she went through this... I would have KNOWN. I would have known that her decision to be with AP was final. I would not have had my mother, my best friend, and least of all myself, reach out to W.

So I feel genuine pity for her. I'm starting to see exactly how low her self-esteem must have been and still be. To be the other woman for 2.8 years. To never be "enough" to get W to end her marriage. To not be the person that W wanted to nurse her and care for her at the biggest moment of her life.

I imagine that xAP/ex-friend experiences that same low self-esteem that I did. That she is angry with me for not giving up on my M and handing over my W. That she compares herself to me and icepicks my eyes. But in her version of this tortuous cycle of self-destruction, unlike me, she has not gotten stronger. She has not found her self-worth and placed taking care of herself as a priority. So I pity her.

But always with an icepick in my back pocket... just in case.

[melissag]

RT, what a great attitude you have. I'd probably use that icepick on XAP, but I feel sad for your W, and hope she finds that light switch . . . soon. I know once she turns it on she will see what an amazing lady you are. Hang in there!

[RealityTrip]

I don't understand. If you are going to contact your xAP, delete the messages, then lie to me about it... Why did you leave her in the first place? Why did you beg me for 2 months to come home? Why did you say you are "here for the right reasons"... to "work on our marriage"?

Somebody please explain this to me. Why? She was living with xAP. She had everything she thought she wanted and she was miserable. So why more cr*p? Why more deceit? Why more lying? Why more?

I have no tears. I am so much stronger now. Instead of it taking everything I've got to get through the day... it's taking everything I've got to hold my tongue while she's rehabbing after surgery.

Here is my fear:

W was miserable with guilt while with xAP. She came home to alleviate that guilt, have surgery, let me nurse her back from it since she doesn't really trust xAP, stay at home with me while she learns to walk again, then she can convince herself and everyone else that she "tried to save her marriage" and justify leaving for xAP permanately.

Not mind reading. Defining my fear.

I feel stuck. Stuck to take care of her and stuck to deal with her lying and deceit.

This is a monsterous super vent. I just don't understand why she came home. If she wasn't done with xAP, she should have stayed with her. I was doing just fine on my own.

[labug]

Vent, but do it move you to a better understanding.

Maybe all this needed to happen for you to really see xW. I used to think it was a big lot of metaphysical mumbo-jumbo but more and more I believe we get just what we need in life.

What's best for RT right now?

[RealityTrip]

yeah Bug... thanks. I know. I spewed my vent here so I wouldn't give it to her. I have to use compassion for her since she is physically hurting right now. It's just the wrong time and place to have conversations with her about all of this stuff.

What's best for RT right now?

I don't know. I need to have some serious R discussions with her but I feel like I can't. I'm ready to move forward. She's still stuck in limbo it seems. Granted she tried to get out of it by coming home... but the contact with xAP is indicative of her continued emotional connection.

So I feel like since she is convalescing, that I have to just table everything and step up to get her through this. It feels like I am neglecting myself but I don't see any other option. I can't just leave her to fend for herself. But I'm mad. Honestly... mad more than hurt. It's like... Come On!!!

I know it's over when I say it's over. I wonder if she gets that. She feels so far back on the path... like I've rounded the corner and she just can't keep up.

Do I slow down and wait? I suppose it's all about how much time I am willing to give her. Getting here mentally wasn't easy for me at all... A LOT of HARD WORK... and I wasn't lugging around bags of guilt and shame while trying to do it.

Into my happy place.

I guess I need to calm down and slow down.

[Wonka]

RT,

In the mix of craziness, there's the post-op, holidays, navigating through R speed bumps you'll have to contend with the next several weeks. Be real gentle with yourself. You've been really hard on yourself with impatience and anxiety.

You're borrowing trouble by "awfulizing" the reasons your W came back home. Take charge of your thoughts and ask each one of them if "they are true."

The holidays can be stressful for everyone...and not a good time to make any decisions or having heavy heart-to-heart talks. Focus on the present and be grateful for the many good things in your life. I would be a bit more patient in laying low for a while. Go and enjoy a good time with your family and ILs.

When I drive out in the cold weather, I catch glimpses of homeless people trying to keep warm and I thank God each moment I can for my good life.

[labug]

What Wonka says is true, sit with it for awhile.

When W is not feeling so vulnerable with the surgery, you might see something different.

But always take care of you.