ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[job]

Ambivalent,
You are a very strong and determined woman. How do we know? By your postings. You've had a lot of trials and tribulations in your life and yet, you are here, giving great advice and working out your feelings in this forum. Why can't you see it? Because you are too close. In a few months, I want you to come back and re-read your postings...you'll then see what we all see in you.

You are experiencing some of the same things that the mlcer is experiencing, i.e., when it's quiet you can't go quiet. Mlcers have this problem and that's why they try to stay busy and do not really sleep well. For you, put on some soothing music and let that music flow through your body. Dancing helps to soothe you.

You have to live in the present and try not to look too far into the future. Why? Because life changes each and every day and what you may think will happen next week, may not happen at all. Learn to live in the moment or the day. I know that this is difficult because you are a planner and a fixer. Most of us who post here.

I agree w/uR, you are no where done and you are going to fight for your marriage. The your book of life w/this man isn't over and may not be. Time will tell on how you and your h finally reach the finish line.

Okay, now let's talk about the mlc relationship. Generally, it is not about love, as we know it. They want a f@ck buddy, someone who will pal around w/them and do things. They want someone that is going to be building up their ego, admiring them, listening to them and feeding them a whole lot of ego kibbles. They want someone who is going to go along w/everything they say or do, no questions asked. They want someone who doesn't know them as they were pre-crisis. They want to build a new persona and what better way than to have someone hanging on their arm that is totally different from the man or woman they've left behind. Ambivalent, the love that they call love isn't that deep fulfilling love, but lust or just to get their needs met. They don't know what that deep love is all about w/these new partners. What you had w/your h was the true blue love and no one can replace that between you and your h. Again, they are nothing more than f@ck buddies having a great time trolling the world.

The cycling will stop when you are ready for it to stop. You have control over it. As you detach more and more from his drama and begin to think less of what he's doing and putting the focus on your life, it will eventually slow down to a crawl. Each person is different in how they handle their cycling and detachment. Find what works for you.

Ambivalent, dig deep for patience and most of all, be kind to yourself. You will get through this.