ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

I see such strength in you. If you would be willing to try to accept what is for right now, with the hope of something different in the future, you will be on your way.

I keep hearing this. Even from my daughter, but I don't see the strength. I don't feel strong. What do you see that I cannot? What is it that is being shown, why can't I see it. I want so desperately to feel it and see it.

I do accept what is for right now, I'm afraid of the something different in the future is not what I will desire. That I'm the " change " he won't want . That is the part I don't think I can accept. I don't want to accept.

I want that strength to get me through. I want to harden or toughen up. I'm such a wimpy mush inside. I don't show this around him, I'm acting the whole time. I really do have such a feeling of anxiety.

Deep in the tunnel? Oh God, that just scares the Hell out of me. I don't know if I can handle the length of time. I don't want to become this desperate lonely wife. I don't want to become bitter, and angry over this.

But those feelings are there and I am feeling them. I want those feelings to go away.

I feel as if I'm being torn in two. There is the side of me that believes this will turn out. That he will figure it out and see that I am not the cause of his angst. That he will wake up and see reality and we'll not only be okay, but more.

The other side of me is less logical, terrified, and will give in to my anxieties. That I'll say or do something and push him away, so I don't have to suffer this uncertainty any longer. That I don't have to constantly fee unworthy of happiness. I feel like a broken child.
I feel the rejection of my father all over again. I worked so hard in my twenties to accept and love myself.

This just rips apart all the strides I had made. It reinforces that there must be something seriously wrong with me, that those whom I love feel the need to run away.

There is a part of me that wants to be the one to end it, for my own self-preservation.

If he gets into a relationship with another woman, I don't think I can bare that. I don't know if I can allow myself to be treated with such disrespect while I'm still married.

A prostitute or a one night stand, doesn't affect me the same way. It doesn't say the same to me as a relationship. No, I don't like it, but it doesn't kick me in the stomach. I don't want to have to face that possibility. If just the possibility is causing me such inner turmoil and pain, I cannot imagine the gut wrenching pain reality would cause.

Why doesn't the cycling stop? Why is it that when it goes quiet, that I can't go quiet? I just want inner peace. Why is this so unbelievably agonizing? I want to stop caring, I want to stop feeling so stupid and weak.

I want to sleep all the way through the night . I'm exhausted by this, and it doesn't provide a healthy environment for me to live.