ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[job]

Ambivalent,
Your h is the only one that can control what he is doing. It's his journey to find himself. Here's my take, had your marriage been horrible, he would have walked away years ago. What's happening right now, is something that needs to be faced head on by him and he must make this journey on his own in order to grow up.

It's normal to re-evaluate our lives and find the good and the bad in the relationship, but don't take on the entire blame for the bad things in the relationship. It takes two to tango. Yes, we all did some things we aren't proud of, but they are in the past and we can learn from those mistakes and be better people in the here and now. Please stop beating yourself up. What he's dealing w/right now, has nothing to do w/you at all.

Beauty comes from within. It doesn't matter if you are a model or some beautiful actress if you are rotten to the core inside. Your natural beauty shines from within and people will gravitate to that beauty more so than the outer surface.

You have so much to offer the world and you've been giving excellent advice all over the board. People appreciate what you have to offer and you know what? That's a wonderful start to bring out the real you. Continue to be the wonderful person you are and stop looking in the mirror of guilt and what ifs, could have been, what I should have done. Today is a new day, it's the present. You have the gift of today, use it wisely.

[Ambivalent]

Here's my take, had your marriage been horrible, he would have walked away years ago.

Actually he did write this to me.

It feels so horrible that he is choosing to push me away. How does someone do this to another and not see the damage?

When we were on the phone, a week ago, I said I had some hours to make up at school. He asked why, and I said that I had missed some days in the Spring and early Summer.

He had no clue that I completely shut down. That I couldn't just go to school as if nothing happened. He had no clue that I was so devastated that I stopped eating, sleeping , working on the yard. That all I could do was curl up into fetal position and cry.

He saw me after I had to give the okay to put down one of my Yorkies. He saw the depression I went into and how if affected me. He saw me walk around like a zombie. How could he not think that I would not feel devastation? How could he not believe that I would feel this way and worse over our situation?

He is not a cold man, actually he is quite loving and empathetic. Even during this he can see how it affects my youngest.

This is not a casual relationship, this is 33 years of our lives, my life, and his life.

It is so hard to believe that this is about his childhood. Especially when I affirmed him whenever I could. I always thanked him for providing a nice home, for being a loving father. I told him when he looked handsome or sexy.

I didn't get that from him, even though I wanted it too. I don't understand why , after he leaves, he NOW tells me that I look great, nice and so on. Why now , does he thank me for things? What is he saying? I can only do this to friends?

I need to understand from him, I need to hear it from him. I feel so shut out and apart. This is the hardest thing I've ever endured.

I do know he has made errors, he admits it too! Whether they are the same errors will not be revealed yet. I am an individual that needs to understand, I want to learn , and grow. I feel stalled and shut down.

It is tearing me apart not communicating with him on a cognitive and emotional level. It is so painful that he has to be affirmed by strangers. And I'm becoming one, a stranger , yet he thinks he knows me.

I've got to go to school now and work on a project with a young woman. She isn't very bright, and I was paired with her by our instructor. This will test my patience, and I'm really not in the frame of mind to be the one leading this. I would rather do this on my own.

I'm so sleepy, I just want to curl up and sleep 'til Spring.

Job, and others thank you...I don't feel beautiful right now. I feel like an empty shell, and I just want the good part of me back. I want to be creative, humorous, and filled with love. I want MY husband to wrap his arms around my body and just say this is a phase, and that he will come home when he's healed.

I want him, I don't need him, never have. I just wish he understood the difference in me wanting him for him (not money) and not needing him . He wants to be needed emotionally, yet he doesn't want to be needed .

One day at a time, one moment in time. TIME STINKS!

But ice cream is awesome!

[PatientMan]

Here's my take, had your marriage been horrible, he would have walked away years ago.

Actually he did write this to me.

It feels so horrible that he is choosing to push me away. How does someone do this to another and not see the damage?

When we were on the phone, a week ago, I said I had some hours to make up at school. He asked why, and I said that I had missed some days in the Spring and early Summer.

He had no clue that I completely shut down. That I couldn't just go to school as if nothing happened. He had no clue that I was so devastated that I stopped eating, sleeping , working on the yard. That all I could do was curl up into fetal position and cry.

He saw me after I had to give the okay to put down one of my Yorkies. He saw the depression I went into and how if affected me. He saw me walk around like a zombie. How could he not think that I would not feel devastation? How could he not believe that I would feel this way and worse over our situation?

He is not a cold man, actually he is quite loving and empathetic. Even during this he can see how it affects my youngest.

This is not a casual relationship, this is 33 years of our lives, my life, and his life.

It is so hard to believe that this is about his childhood. Especially when I affirmed him whenever I could. I always thanked him for providing a nice home, for being a loving father. I told him when he looked handsome or sexy.

I didn't get that from him, even though I wanted it too. I don't understand why , after he leaves, he NOW tells me that I look great, nice and so on. Why now , does he thank me for things? What is he saying? I can only do this to friends?

I need to understand from him, I need to hear it from him. I feel so shut out and apart. This is the hardest thing I've ever endured.

I do know he has made errors, he admits it too! Whether they are the same errors will not be revealed yet. I am an individual that needs to understand, I want to learn , and grow. I feel stalled and shut down.

It is tearing me apart not communicating with him on a cognitive and emotional level. It is so painful that he has to be affirmed by strangers. And I'm becoming one, a stranger , yet he thinks he knows me.

I've got to go to school now and work on a project with a young woman. She isn't very bright, and I was paired with her by our instructor. This will test my patience, and I'm really not in the frame of mind to be the one leading this. I would rather do this on my own.

I'm so sleepy, I just want to curl up and sleep 'til Spring.

Job, and others thank you...I don't feel beautiful right now. I feel like an empty shell, and I just want the good part of me back. I want to be creative, humorous, and filled with love. I want MY husband to wrap his arms around my body and just say this is a phase, and that he will come home when he's healed.

I want him, I don't need him, never have. I just wish he understood the difference in me wanting him for him (not money) and not needing him . He wants to be needed emotionally, yet he doesn't want to be needed .

One day at a time, one moment in time. TIME STINKS!

But ice cream is awesome!

Patience, Amb, patience.

You said this is the hardest thing you've ever endured, and you're probably right. Make sure you USE that to better yourself.

Endure...persevere. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I want you to bookmark your post that I quoted. I want you to bookmark it because I want you to come back to it later on when you're doing so much better and look back at how far you have come from this point in time that you wrote it.

You WILL succeed. You WILL feel better. This, too, shall pass.

Endure well! Patient endurance!

-PM

[Ambivalent]

I don't want to be his ex-wife. I don't want to be divorced.

I would like to see two people healed and healthy, loving each other and our children...together.

Am I fooling myself. My parent's divorced, his parent's divorced, are we doomed? Is this something I should stop wasting my heart on? I am so unbelievably distraught.

I read, I gal, I work on me, but I can't stand the silence. The distance.

[uRworthy]

A, I am so sorry this is so hard. Tough stuff, this. You are still early into this. And you need to dig in and get to a place of strength.

It feels so horrible that he is choosing to push me away. How does someone do this to another and not see the damage?

He cannot see the damage because of the damage that is inside of him. He just cant right now.

He had no clue that I completely shut down. That I couldn't just go to school as if nothing happened. He had no clue that I was so devastated that I stopped eating, sleeping , working on the yard. That all I could do was curl up into fetal position and cry.

How could he not think that I would not feel devastation? How could he not believe that I would feel this way and worse over our situation?

That tells you something, doesnt it? Just how deep in the tunnel he is. Just how much he is not him. Just how broken he is.

He is not a cold man, actually he is quite loving and empathetic. Even during this he can see how it affects my youngest.

When this starts, they lash out at the person closet to them. That is you. He dos not want to see what this is doing to you. He cant. Not now.

It is so hard to believe that this is about his childhood. Especially when I affirmed him whenever I could. I always thanked him for providing a nice home, for being a loving father. I told him when he looked handsome or sexy.

But you are not who he needed to hear that from. He knew you loved him.

I didn't get that from him, even though I wanted it too. I don't understand why , after he leaves, he NOW tells me that I look great, nice and so on. Why now , does he thank me for things? What is he saying? I can only do this to friends?

I would say part of it is guilt. Part of it is him detaching in order to be protected from having to face all of it. Part is him believing that the marriage is his reason for his unhappiness.

I need to understand from him, I need to hear it from him. I feel so shut out and apart.

A, he cannot tell you what you want to hear. He isnt capable of it. He doesnt even know why. He has to face his demons, work through it all, before he will be able to do that. That is a long way down the road.

I am an individual that needs to understand, I want to learn , and grow. I feel stalled and shut down.

I hear that you want to understand. Sometimes what we want is not possible in the moment. No matter how badly we want it. Doesnt mean we wont ever have that.
[quote=Ambivalent]
It is so painful that he has to be affirmed by strangers.

I always found it sad for them - that need. How empty they must feel. How badly they feel about themselves.

I feel like an empty shell, and I just want the good part of me back. I want to be creative, humorous, and filled with love.

Only you have the power to make that happen.

A, only you can decide whether you want to do this. Whether you can do this. I will tell you that you arent done. That is clear.

I know that it is so hard to let go of not being able to understand, hard to let go of wanting to reach out to him, hard to think about doing this long term. The thing is that you only have to get through today. Just today. Tomorrow is a new day. And you can do it again just for tomorrow.

I see such strength in you. If you would be willing to try to accept what is for right now, with the hope of something different in the future, you will be on your way.

But ice cream is awesome!

Aint it though?

[RockJC]

//Am I fooling myself.//
Absolutely not. 33 years of marriage is not a trivial thing. It has tremendous value. Only a fool would throw it a way. The problem is your husband is a fool. He has been fooled into believing that your marriage has no value and that the things he is chasing will bring him joy. He is chasing something he already has, but refuses to accept.

//Is this something I should stop wasting my heart on?// Yes. Not because it isn't valuable, but simply because it is out of your control. All you can do is drive him away. You can't bring him back. He needs to come back on his own.

But, I am guessing you know this. It is OK to vent and to feel what you are feeling. I feel the same things. Patience is hard.

[Ambivalent]

I see such strength in you. If you would be willing to try to accept what is for right now, with the hope of something different in the future, you will be on your way.

I keep hearing this. Even from my daughter, but I don't see the strength. I don't feel strong. What do you see that I cannot? What is it that is being shown, why can't I see it. I want so desperately to feel it and see it.

I do accept what is for right now, I'm afraid of the something different in the future is not what I will desire. That I'm the " change " he won't want . That is the part I don't think I can accept. I don't want to accept.

I want that strength to get me through. I want to harden or toughen up. I'm such a wimpy mush inside. I don't show this around him, I'm acting the whole time. I really do have such a feeling of anxiety.

Deep in the tunnel? Oh God, that just scares the Hell out of me. I don't know if I can handle the length of time. I don't want to become this desperate lonely wife. I don't want to become bitter, and angry over this.

But those feelings are there and I am feeling them. I want those feelings to go away.

I feel as if I'm being torn in two. There is the side of me that believes this will turn out. That he will figure it out and see that I am not the cause of his angst. That he will wake up and see reality and we'll not only be okay, but more.

The other side of me is less logical, terrified, and will give in to my anxieties. That I'll say or do something and push him away, so I don't have to suffer this uncertainty any longer. That I don't have to constantly fee unworthy of happiness. I feel like a broken child.
I feel the rejection of my father all over again. I worked so hard in my twenties to accept and love myself.

This just rips apart all the strides I had made. It reinforces that there must be something seriously wrong with me, that those whom I love feel the need to run away.

There is a part of me that wants to be the one to end it, for my own self-preservation.

If he gets into a relationship with another woman, I don't think I can bare that. I don't know if I can allow myself to be treated with such disrespect while I'm still married.

A prostitute or a one night stand, doesn't affect me the same way. It doesn't say the same to me as a relationship. No, I don't like it, but it doesn't kick me in the stomach. I don't want to have to face that possibility. If just the possibility is causing me such inner turmoil and pain, I cannot imagine the gut wrenching pain reality would cause.

Why doesn't the cycling stop? Why is it that when it goes quiet, that I can't go quiet? I just want inner peace. Why is this so unbelievably agonizing? I want to stop caring, I want to stop feeling so stupid and weak.

I want to sleep all the way through the night . I'm exhausted by this, and it doesn't provide a healthy environment for me to live.

[job]

Ambivalent,
You are a very strong and determined woman. How do we know? By your postings. You've had a lot of trials and tribulations in your life and yet, you are here, giving great advice and working out your feelings in this forum. Why can't you see it? Because you are too close. In a few months, I want you to come back and re-read your postings...you'll then see what we all see in you.

You are experiencing some of the same things that the mlcer is experiencing, i.e., when it's quiet you can't go quiet. Mlcers have this problem and that's why they try to stay busy and do not really sleep well. For you, put on some soothing music and let that music flow through your body. Dancing helps to soothe you.

You have to live in the present and try not to look too far into the future. Why? Because life changes each and every day and what you may think will happen next week, may not happen at all. Learn to live in the moment or the day. I know that this is difficult because you are a planner and a fixer. Most of us who post here.

I agree w/uR, you are no where done and you are going to fight for your marriage. The your book of life w/this man isn't over and may not be. Time will tell on how you and your h finally reach the finish line.

Okay, now let's talk about the mlc relationship. Generally, it is not about love, as we know it. They want a f@ck buddy, someone who will pal around w/them and do things. They want someone that is going to be building up their ego, admiring them, listening to them and feeding them a whole lot of ego kibbles. They want someone who is going to go along w/everything they say or do, no questions asked. They want someone who doesn't know them as they were pre-crisis. They want to build a new persona and what better way than to have someone hanging on their arm that is totally different from the man or woman they've left behind. Ambivalent, the love that they call love isn't that deep fulfilling love, but lust or just to get their needs met. They don't know what that deep love is all about w/these new partners. What you had w/your h was the true blue love and no one can replace that between you and your h. Again, they are nothing more than f@ck buddies having a great time trolling the world.

The cycling will stop when you are ready for it to stop. You have control over it. As you detach more and more from his drama and begin to think less of what he's doing and putting the focus on your life, it will eventually slow down to a crawl. Each person is different in how they handle their cycling and detachment. Find what works for you.

Ambivalent, dig deep for patience and most of all, be kind to yourself. You will get through this.

[RockJC]

AB - It does get better. The cycles start getting shorter, further apart, and less intense. There are times now when I even find myself smiling and laughing. Joy comes back and because you honored your marriage you will be able to hold your head high.

I am only 6 months ahead of you, my W is deep in replay with no end in sight, but I am beginning to find me again. Life moves forward.

[Ambivalent]

Rock, I'm sorry you are here...I'm also sorry to hear you don't see any light.

Thank you for your encouragement. I'll go read up on you.

Job,

I guess I just didn't see the strength as strength, but as making the best with what I have been given. I usually would cry or withdraw in the face of a challenge, but then I would immediately brainstorm and get creative.

I have had a ton of crap thrown my way, and to this day I've been surprised that I haven't run away screaming from my home.

I always saw myself as being the one who'd have the MLC, not my husband. I saw myself as the weaker of the two and the one to give into temptation. Once I almost did, but it didn't happen.

I still feel shame over it today, for that I did not tell my H. I never wanted to hurt him in that manner. Ironic isn't it?

Raising my first, and yes I was the one who put the most into her, was a great challenge. She was a walking talking dichotomy. Because her package was wrapped up in adorable, most people didn't see the inner turmoil she suffered or the issues she caused for the whole family. She was a mess of contradictions. My second had anxiety and depression along with OCD. She tried to be the "perfect" child, and I would have to find something to discipline. I had to teach her that being perfect was not what I wanted nor expected.

Add the marriage on top of the above , it was a very stressful life. Several times my H. made decisions that were not the best, and we would find ourselves struggling. Even then , I could always make do.

He really is frustrated and has major regrets over money, retirement and the future. I understand this, and this is one of the reasons I jumped at going back to work. There were times when I did work part-time, and when not, offered to.

I can't help but wonder what he is spending on, and part of me feels like I should be in the know. I just don't want to get into that presently. I want a job first!

My finals are next week, SH!T, I'm terrified due to concentration. I have to put a damn project together with a young woman who has no clue how to research. She is Lebanese, (adorable) but not very bright.

Earlier it was told to us that our projects were ours. I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do. Then we get to practical, and surprise! It has to be a group project.

Yesterday I had to tell her verbatim how to search for info on the net. @@ I spent 3 1/2 hours trying to get her to do this.

She kept saying things like: "The information is not out there.", " I can't find it. ," What you want can't be done."

@@ She is 29 and is helpless! I pretty much gave her a tiny bit , and phrased questions to enter in the search bar. Later last night I got a text with a picture of basically an outline for what was needed. Then she asked how she did?

I still have not responded because I don't want to tell her what I really think. I will eventually respond with , great! Thank you!

I want to win this project contest, and I'm not going to let her drag me down. It is important to me, and it pisses me off that they chose to change the "rules" at the last minute!

Okay, now I'm a short tempered b!tch, who has not time or patience for this , especially at this time of the season, year, and yes my f-ing life!

I will get through the next week somehow, but I may not like who I am during it.

I'm going to the gym, yet again. Down another lb.

Going to Giant for waffle ingredients

Making some waffles

Then going to get some band lashes applied for the Twenties themed dance tonight. I researched the make-up of flappers and have it down for tonight. I would love to post a pic. on FB but have no clue how to do it from the pad I use. The costume is adorable! I have all the stuff from my own wardrobe and accessories. From opera length pearls, seamed stockings, garters, dress ( tennis dress ), hat ( flipped brim cloche ). The lashes will give that POW they had in the day. Their eyes were done . I even have a Betty Boop lunch box purse!

I will need this today and tonight. The music helps me soooo much. We will be doing a lot of Charleston tonight!

Job, I will turn on music when I get back. Sometimes if I play it real loud and sing it does relieve stress.

This weekend will be tough, for today makes 10 days with no contact...I'm not sure if I should even mention Christmas...

I kinda feel I should still invite brother though, it isn't his fault.