"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Like others, there have been various things that have kept me going along the way.
There is of course my love for my H and my vows.
In hindsight, I realize that I was very lucky in the fact that my H's "happy go lucky" mask cracked - or should I say shattered- pretty early on after bomb. I saw the deep, dark depression and self-hatred my H was experiencing. It made me have a lot of compassion for him. It still does.
I also realized that there was something seriously wrong with my H, and it wasn't me or our M.
There is also our children, a huge driving force for me. The thought of not being able to see my kids everyday is crushing to me. Split holidays and special occasions. A family broken apart. I wanted better for our kids, still do. But we don't always get the choice to be a complete family or not. That was a hard reality pill to swallow.
There is my determination to see this to the end, no matter what that may be. I didn't want any "what if's?" lingering around in my heart and mind. I wanted to know I did everything in my power to save my M and my family.
Lastly, there is hope. Sometimes it is only a tiny speck, but it is there, nudging me along when I think I can't go anymore.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
On a serious note, it was FEAR that kept me standing. It started with wanting her back…wanting my family back together…but in many ways, the root of that was fear. When faced, that FEAR pushed me to a place of self realization that quite honestly was not a “happy” place to stay for a while but allowed me to really get me, really understand so much about life and myself. At some point and quite honestly I could not tell you when…staying on the boards became more about me trying to understand and fix me and less about my XW. I wanted more, I wanted to find peace, I wanted to understand love, life….
What brings me back? Hmm….I have taken long breaks (although I still read often) but always feels that without the boards, I would not be where I am today. I am firm believer in the notion that the “work” is never done..there is always an area of ourselves that we may want to explore and see if changes are needed.
Finally, I have met some of the most amazing people on these boards – and so in many ways…I come back to see “family”.
Happy holidays to all of you.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
