//Am I fooling myself.// Absolutely not. 33 years of marriage is not a trivial thing. It has tremendous value. Only a fool would throw it a way. The problem is your husband is a fool. He has been fooled into believing that your marriage has no value and that the things he is chasing will bring him joy. He is chasing something he already has, but refuses to accept.
//Is this something I should stop wasting my heart on?// Yes. Not because it isn't valuable, but simply because it is out of your control. All you can do is drive him away. You can't bring him back. He needs to come back on his own.
But, I am guessing you know this. It is OK to vent and to feel what you are feeling. I feel the same things. Patience is hard.
