Suckerpunch (the process)

[swoop]

I honestly do feel like I am in pretty good control of myself. That is not to say that I don't have more thoughts and feelings flow over me in the course of a day than I would like. I still very much HATE where I am in regards to losing my W and time with D

With that said, I have been thinking about something lately, and I want to pose a question. I think we all get the feeling, after BD and the subsequent actions of the WAS, that we don't even know who that other person is anymore. I used to know my W, or at least I thought I did. So, in my sitch, and many others, our spouses have moved on. Sometimes its an affair, sometimes it is like my sitch where W just literally started dating after separation and moved in with OM. I am getting long winded. Here is my question. Are all these WAS's just living a pipe dream, or can they truly find happiness so quickly after leaving a long term relationship? How can they detach so completely, that they are totally happy in their new lives? I just don't know if that is possible. Is it? And, if it is....How do I get some of that?....haha

[AnotherStander]

Here is my question. Are all these WAS's just living a pipe dream, or can they truly find happiness so quickly after leaving a long term relationship?

I had lunch with my fellow LBS buddy. His W left him in 2008. She was going through perimenopause, had 3 relatives die in a short span, etc. My buddy became the lightning rod for everything wrong in her life. He was evil, he was mean, he did everything wrong. She left him and shortly after moved in with OM. She filed for D. Then she retracted it. Then she filed again. Then she retracted it again. They barely spoke for a year, then started talking again, then going out as friends, then became intimate, and now are back together. She now says he is the greatest person she's ever known, she's madly in love, can't get enough of him. Here's the thing, he basically did nothing. He didn't do 180's, he didn't change anything about himself. But he DID give her time and space. He left her alone, didn't pursue at all. SHE is the one that changed. Twice. She changed into someone that didn't love him, then changed into someone that loves him more than ever.

To me the lesson is that many WAS's are unhappy inside and blame the LBS. Once the LBS is removed from the picture they may fool themselves for a while into thinking they're happy, but eventually they realize they're still unhappy and that it's not the LBS's fault. My buddy said that his W came to realize that HE was what made her happy when everything else was falling apart. But it took her years to get there.

How can they detach so completely, that they are totally happy in their new lives?

WAS's are masters of acting "as if". I'm sure some find happiness after S or D, but I bet most are just putting on a show so that the LBS and all their friends and relatives will think "oh yes, he/ she was right to leave their spouse, look at how happy they are now!" Because happiness comes from within, and if the WAS were truly happy within then they never would have left their spouse to begin with. Granted that may not be true in the case of abuse, but there are few cases of that here. I think most cases here involve a WAS that is unhappy and doesn't know why, so decides to heap the blame on their spouse.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Based on my experience...

"Are all these WAS's just living a pipe dream, or can they truly find happiness so quickly after leaving a long term relationship?"

Pipe dream. Fantasy land.

"How can they detach so completely, that they are totally happy in their new lives? "

They started the detachment phase months or years before bd. They aren't truly happy. It's a phase that won't last.

"I just don't know if that is possible. Is it?"

Not for a "normal" human being.

[labug]

Why does it matter? I know you're asking a question that we all wonder about at times but really, why does it matter to us?

If they are happy doesn't it mean that we can be also?

If they aren't happy does that somehow makes things better for the LBS?

[planet]

I know this is a often asked question that doesn't really matter but I would like to put in my thoughts on this.

Each time I read that the WAS is in a 'fog' or is 'confused', I feel that this places the LBS in the wrong frame of mind. All this ever does is to help soothe the LBS's ego.
Those statements diminishes the WAS's other actual feelings. They, I believe also felt 'free' from their M and if there is an OP, then they feel 'loved'. That is a step up. These feelings are very real.

I think LBS needs to acknowledge this as well.

[labug]

Good point, Planet.

[LBH_LC]

Doesn't MWD use those terms in her book?

[PatientMan]

If they aren't happy does that somehow makes things better for the LBS?

Exactly.

I would think someone the LBS cares deeply for being unhappy would certainly not make things better.

-PM

[swoop]

Well for me, it might not make things better, but it may make things seem more reasonable and therefore more understandable. If tomorrow a WAS said, "I am not happy". I would think to myself, well, THAT makes sense. I would understand that. I would get that. For the WAS to say they are happy, when they left their home, their family, their security, interrupted and changed the life of their children, and ended a long term relationship, that just doesn't make sense to me.

[Fartiltre]

SP, I agree totally!
I don’t want W to feel unhappy but her doing so makes this easier for me – not because she is unhappy but because happiness in the middle of all of this simply wouldn’t make sense to me. It would make me feel even more confused and I wouldn’t understand anything at all.
F