Wife wants Divorce, I do Not

[25yearsmlc]

It's not justified. And I've said nothing of her flaws.
Yeah

Kinda getting pissed at the whole deal.

It shows.
We know you are pissed and have been most of the time. Most of your posts are anger filled with some hurt thrown in but anger is much more familiar to you. So that's interesting.

To YOU the affair is not justified, which you have made abundantly clear. AND That has done what for you? Justtified your anger, right? And how's that helping things?

And even though you first came here with a candid appraisal of yourself as a pretty lousy husband...you now seem baffled and annoyed by her choices

but surely you can see that to HER, (and HER opinion is all that matters here), the affair, IF IT IS AN AFFAIR, is fully justified.

You are here supposedly trying to save your m. She's NOT HERE doing that. She is not at a counselor's office waiting for a verdict of her. She's out there planning on her new life. YOU are supposedly working on the marriage which means YOUR END of it...

So why on earth would you think she needs a lesson on being wrong and you being "right"?

Your goal...is what? You want her home to work on the marriage with you OR what? Be very clear on goals. If your goal is to punish her, go do it.

Know that your marriage will be over for good and most people, not all but most, will think a lot less of you after seeing your anger and punitive behavior.
We all face betrayals and setbacks in life. Character shows up at these times, not the smooth times.

Being a man of strength and honor will never be something you regret.

So, you want us to tell you that she's wrong, & you're right? Think again.

You want us to tell you that you ought to do exactly the same behaviors in your next r, b/c then it'll all be better and different next time, because...because why? Why & How would the next marriage be better or different if you are the exact same?

Trust us, your w has been asking herself that question a long time. She wanted you to change...she wanted to stay married to you....

So far, your questions are mostly about how angry you ought to be and how to get her back.

Not so much on how you can become the best man you can become...



I love her more than anything but the thought of being strung along...husband being plan b...no.

She's at least "talking" to someone else. I love her, I do, but I should be more angry about this. Wth?

SIGH...

Here we go BH, put a helmet on and get ready to toughen up and face things that are not easy but that might help your situation. THAT IS THE GOAL, remember? Helping the relationships improve...

so please give me the courtesy of reading this and thinking about it and at least telling me that YES you read what I wrote and maybe even answer a few of my many many questions...see, I"m spending my free time doing this and I'd like to know it matters a little to you.

but this last post of yours makes me think you have no idea what YOU want done here,


and when you talk of giving up or throwing in the towel b/c it's been...what...a year? No, 6 months of being apart? No it's been a few months or weeks, right?

You need to PROCESS what my signature block means, which is that my h wa gone/sep for two years, off and on...and I had 3 kids to take care of too.

So you have to THINK HARDER and DIG DEEPER and you need to do so, SOON.

It's as if you are dipping your toe into reality but then, it gets too painful b/c you know you played a huge role in your present day pain,

so what do YOU choose to do or say or feel, when your flaws get you into a bad place?

...isn't it true that you tend to resort to your first behavioral/emotional choice most every time?...

which is how your "justified anger".... came out about HER AFFAIR, if it is even real, BUT of course the A is NOT justified, yet your anger is.??

Notice anything self serving there, ^^^ anything a bit convenient for You? This is sort of good news BH...embrace it.

Why? How? What's good here?

Well I say it's good B/C of the alternative scenario.

SAY that you and your w went to see a MC who met with you, and your w, and they talked and shared and then

the MC tells you "Oh, BH, You are a great PERFECT h...You are Right and your w is wrong....but, SHE wants out of the marriage anyhow. So It's over, and that's it. All Final...see ya later b/c hey, you have no changes to make since you are a great guy already...good luck in your next marriage== b/c you will need luck since being a perfect h isn't enough..."


so Bh, if you had truly been a perfect h and yet she still wanted out, then you'd be powerless now, which would truly stink...do you see that?

SO, Learn to see that feedback about things YOU need to change, are things YOU CAN DO, so you are NOT powerless! This is potentially great news. Make sense?

So when I point these things out to you and you gloss over YOUR role in this and focus almost ONLY on Her flaws, or how you "should" feel about HER flaws or HER mistakes,

your focus is misplaced AND you are wasting time here.

HERE on this site, is where you work on YOU b/c you want the marriage to work. She's NOT here working on the m.

So Why would she be interested in hearing your negqtive thoughts about her? She knows them anyhow...that's why she doesn't feel very loved.

IF YOU CARE MORE ABOUT BEING "RIGHT", then I can tell you right now your marriage will end.

AND YOU WILL LEARN VERY LITTLE from this horrible ordeal.

That's so sad b/c the one upside on this site is that most of us GROW and become better people in this otherwise hideous nighmare, even if it's too late for our marriages...we are better people for this.

And sometimes that saves our marriages (or just vastly improves the next one) and it improves our r's with our loves ones, parents and children and siblings and friends...THAT'S A BIG DEAL!

The reason that most second marriages end in divorce, is b/c the parties do NOT look within. It's ironic but true.

They let the wounds fester and they do NOT dig deep. They look outward at external reasons for their marriages to have failed

when there is OM or OW, the left behind spouse often wants to cling to that evil Other Man, as THE Reason for the divorce...

And so they can blame it all on that. (Or the 'Mid life crisis" or any other label that deflects the focus off of themselves).


But think how sad it would be if it were really true. I mean, what if you'd been a perfect guy, a wonderful h who then gets abandoned for no reason...wouldn't the scariest question in the world be, "why won't this happen to me again?

how could you ever feel safe enough to date or love again?

You see, Digging deep and making yourself the best version of YOU that is possible, is the best way for you to lower your risk and increase the chance of success in marriage.

THIS marriage, or your next...Be braver and dig a lot deeper.

When you find yourself angry at my words, resisting them mightily, that is your signal to dig deeper THERE.

B/c there must be a reason for you to resist this so much and so fast.

You must realize your behavioral and emotional choices are what got you here.

So, CHANGE THEM, or remain where you are, stuck and in pain and Not the man you want to become.


after all, being angry so quickly and so stridently, and behaving the way you said you did before, with the belittling remarks and lousy demeanor,

how has that approach worked for you? Isn't it a BIG reason that got you here?


Also, you seem to tire quickly of "this ordeal" of yours. But ;ea look at MY signature block, please. My h was gone, off and on, for two YEARS and I had to do a lot of deep work. Here I am.

The real journey in life is an inward one BH...make the journey, or be stuck in this grief and fury forever. I know you can't want that.

My DB coach (a Godsend) told me a key concept you have to accept, which is that no matter how justified you believe YOUR anger is...

showing your anger to your WAS, will NOT SERVE YOU WELL NOW, so you cannot show it to your w now. It won't get you anywhere and it will backfire on you.

What did you think when you read the "Rules" for Newcomers? BH Did you read them? You must read something we suggest here b/c a lot of thigns are flying by you fast and the more you miss, the more you have to overcome.

Did you really read what I wrote? If you want to be declared right, then so be it.

But you need to choose...do you want to be "right", or do you want to be happy?

sometimes you have to choose between the two...


I'm not trying to lecture you here but I ask pointed questions b/c you are avoiding so many.

You blow off those questions and gloss over your problems, at your peril.

I think you can turn this thing around. But it's a big ship that has been going in the wrong diretion for a long time...it will take TIME to turn it around.

Be consistent and focus only on YOUR personal work to become the best man YOU can become.

Become a man only a fool would leave.

IF and when you become the best you can, and have shown it in ways your w can trust, then turn your marriage over to God and let the cards fall where they fall.

B/C when you become the man you were meant to become, the man your maker wanted you to become, THEN you can hold your head up high no matter what happens, and go in peace.

[25yearsmlc]

One last thing & I really hope it helps you...

this is a letter a wife wrote to her husband. They had separated and she had found another man. She had previously warned her h that she needed him to change and to work on the marriage...

but his changes never lasted. Finally she left, and THEN her h wanted to change and wanted her to ditch the OM and come home...here is what SHE wrote to him.

See if any of it resonates with you....

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED. HE WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT RETURNED HOME YET, & HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM…

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your Spouse - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail.

You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win. You sound very confused yourself as to what you want or value in her or the marriage.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her, and really have recommitted to her BUT you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell again.
____________________

[dxw689]

This series of posts has been helping me with my walk-away husband. Thank you.

[NotAgainPlease]

Great advice. Helps a lot. Thanks!

[burning heart]

Thank you. It's sinking in.

New goings on. Affair is confirmed. EA at the moment.
She is telling our friends she is not coming back here. Some pulled away from me. Others got closer. Quite a few contacted me to ask what's going on.
She isn't acting anything like herself. At first it was like she was in her 20s or teens but now she is in left field. This is said by friends.

I'm not contacting her. I feel there is no choice or chance for us.

I will reread this thread and continue reading others.

DR and DB books should arrive soon and I will still read them.

[Cadet]

I'm not contacting her. I feel there is no choice or chance for us.

There can always be HOPE, but what you are thinking and feeling is completly natural.

Things get worse before they get better.

This is not going to work on YOUR time schedule.

That is why you need to let go and work on yourself.

Re-read this thread again, all you need to know is in here it just does not make sense to you right now.

[burning heart]

Thanks. I'm trying but it's hard. Books haven't arrived yet.
I'm staying with NC, looks like she is too at the moment.

A friend of hers asked if I was working on myself and figuring out my issues.

[burning heart]

The books arrived the other day. I've been reading and giving things thought.

I've also had the flu.

I know the books will help. Me.
If my W was willing, it would help us.

I believe I'm letting go more, it's tough.
...I believe at some she will return. I do. This gift of time allows me to see, accept, and change my flaws and faults.

Part of me feels this is over most likely forever.

My eyes are burning from the fever.

[burning heart]

I live in a no cell signal area. I have to drive up the road to have service. Since I've had the flu I've been in bed. So nearly 3 days now.

I went for a drive to check my phone.
There's a message from wife:

How are you doing?

It could've been sent any time in the last three days. I want to but haven't replied. Idk....

[burning heart]

Well, I replied back and I know I shouldn't have. She just wanted to know how I was and how everything was going here. I told her me and everything is great. She replied, after some minutes, that's awesome and she's glad I'm doing good. I said you too and that ended our texting.

Mutual friends (married couple) called a few times yesterday morning seeing how I was doing. I was out and have been sick so I haven't talked to them in four days. I thought part of W texting was because they haven't heard from me. Our mutual friends showed up not long after. My W and the W of this couple are good friends. I know they still talk but that's all I know. And that she is upset with my W about our situation and her decisions (leaving, affair). After I deactivated my fb account this friend made a comment about being one of my fb stalkers, Wth. I let it go but she wanted to know why I deleted my account. Anyway...

It seems like a guilt issue to me, anything to keep me hanging on too in a way. Idk. It's making me sick and exhausted.

I can't expose the affair. This guy doesn't use his real name on fb, Twitter, or anything. He has a daughter and he's 10 years older than my W. I don't know if he has SO. A friend told me this info and I asked him not to. It doesn't do me any good.

While being in bed sick I've made some decisions and come to some conclusions.
W is going to continue avoiding me and everything that has to do with me, our pets, and belongings here. She will send her mom and the family friend to get her stuff and car. They are coming out here after Christmas. I suspect this will happen then. If so, and this is the path and action W is taking, I will then sort and box everything else and put it in storage.

I was trying not to add this info but it is relevant and I should've. I work for her parents. Our house and job are through a company they own. After last call with W she said I can stay here and I still have my job. That's great and I'm thankful to my in laws for that. But I think that's a guilt thing with my W. Plus it keeps me here if and when things fall through with the affair. So my plan there is to stay till there is action on the divorce paperwork. If she goes through with it I think I need to quit and move. As much as I love my job and in laws I'll have to.

I'm close to my in laws but it will be hard on me emotionally and mentally if I stay here. I have no other job prospects and nowhere to go but I think it is what I'll have to do. The issue here is that I will have to let them know ahead of time. They have been really good to us and helped is so much. This job was for us to save money and have a nest egg. So I have to let them know something before the papers are filed. They will be sad but understanding.