The Brave Man

[Jack_Three_Beans]

JF,

Great initials, as they are mine in RL. : )

The roller coaster, it goes way up and it goes waaaaaay down. The ups makes the downs worse, don't they?

You know what? She was nice to you yesterday, she also used to f your brains out when you were dating right? You know what both have in common?

The past.

If she called you right now and said the sweetest things in the world, the moment you hung up with her that conversation you had would be: In the Past.

Enjoy the moments but do not expect them to continue forward, hold on to them as a glimpse that the women you love is still in there.

You control the height of the roller coaster, and if you control the height you control the drop. Enjoy the moment for what it is, a moment, not the building block of the future.

Here is what to expect from her in the future:

Nothing

If you go in thinking she will be a witch with a b, well that shows up cause you're defensive.

If you go in thinking she is going to be all, I was stupid lets work this out...well...have fun reaching into THAT blender.

[uRworthy]

To be a strong, stable person we must find that from within.

Ayep. ^^^^.

Our parents, our spouse - aside from our children, are the most important relationships we have. But they are human, with human frailties and so, we cannot expect to have them be the ones to validate us.

The only true validation we can get is from ourselves.

To really and truly love someone is to accept them, frailties and all. But in order for us to be able to do that, we have to have self acceptance and self love.

So, find your own mirror. Become who you want to be. Then you will know deep in your heart that you are worthy because of who you are.

J, I know you want to figure it all out, but, it is best to take your time with all this. Let it unfold as it is supposed to. You have to pull the weeds out one at a time, when you are ready to deal with them.

There is no timetable here. We all get to where we need to be in our own time, our own way.

[JFun51]

Pitiful sight just now. I have taught S12 & S10 both to play chess. S10 taught W how to play (she never wanted to learn when I played). S10 is starving so much for her attention at night that while I was gone to the grocery store he took the chess set up to her bed to play. He has the board laid out on Te bed while she's laying under a blanket playing with him. Pitiful.

The sight reminded me of a visitor to the hospital who is keeping a sick patient company. It's about right, though.

[AJM]

A little anger, JF? It won't serve you well. Re-read Jack's post about expectations. I think it applies here.

And whatever you do, please do keep venting. We get it.


Peace,
AJ

[TSquared2]

The sight reminded me of a visitor to the hospital who is keeping a sick patient company. It's about right, though.

JF, my friend, that right there ^^^ is exactly right, and you know, a very helpful way to look at this. She is sick. Inside.

Not all illness and pain is visible on the outside. That metaphor has been invaluable to me through this, bringing out my compassion, once I accepted her internal pain as a real illness.

Would you react the same way if she had cancer? No, I know you wouldn't.

I'm not going to hit you with anything heavy right now, except, look at that metaphor up there ^^^ as reality.

Because it is.

Hang in there...

[tigerlily78]

JF, my friend, that right there ^^^ is exactly right, and you know, a very helpful way to look at this. She is sick. Inside.

Thanks for this TSquared. I needed the reminder and I am glad I stumbled upon this tonight. I hope it helps JF too.

[JFun51]

A little anger, JF? It won't serve you well.

Been through some pretty heavy emotions over the last couple of days. Everything from self loathing to hatred to disbelief and everything in between. So, yes, a little anger there AJ. The biggest thing about the sight of my son taking a chessboard to her bed was the reminder that she is sick.

I'm a little more level headed and on track this evening. Decent sleep last night and a 3 mile run today in 35 degrees has me thinking a little clearer. Mental and physics exhaustion can take its toll on us all.

[AJM]

Yeah, anger is a b*tch. Even if directed at oneself. BTDT. I even have a t-shirt.

I remember a time I started to self-loathe myself. I was buying the BS that it was all about me. The thing I wanted was leaving because of my mistakes. She almost transferred her BS to me. But at some point, I began to realize that I never was perfect. Never. Not a day in my life. I also realized I could have been absolutely perfect and it wouldn't have mattered for what she was doing. As I kept on that thinking, I realized that all the other things I didn't like about me... that was yesterday. I could not change that nor should I want to.

I began to look at those things differently. I looked at them like you might a history book. It happened, but it wasn't the defining moment of my here and now.

Self-loathing and depression is more about an outlet for your anger if you ask me. My suggestion is to keep getting a good night's sleep, and regular exercise. It will impact your mood far more than you might think while you're processing and contemplating and making new memories.


AJ

[ericmsant2]

JF

Pitiful sight just now.

Stop looking then.

Mental and physics exhaustion can take its toll on us all.

Ayep…the more you keep staring at her – looking for a sign that she is moving closer to you – the more you are not looking at yourself and focusing on yourself.

JF – as AJM said, anger really is a b*tch but it much better to let it out than to internalize it.

I want you to know that although I may come across as being hard on you, I am really not trying to be. I know how tough it is with a live in MLCer that you still love. It is not easy man. I respect you for going down this path – most people would have just said F it.

I noticed something in your last post that I wanted to comment on….

Re: the kids starving for her attention, I struggled with this feeling for a long time – it was only recently that I really found the root of the feeling which allowed me to let go of that “weed”.

I used to feel bad for the kids, bad for my D that all she wanted was time with her mom but mom was busy living her life. That feeling would translate into anger. I would get pissed off that my kids were “suffering”. I would get pissed because the FIXER in me wanted to fix it for them….I wanted to kiss the kids booboo and make it all better for them. Recently an interesting thing happened…. – I took a step back, put on the pink tutu that I borrowed from Mach, pulled out my purple shovel with the pink handle that I picked up from Grit and dug deep to look at these feelings.

Why was I angry?

Why did I have these feelings?

What I came to realized is that underneath the “feelings”….was some residual anger I had towards my XW. Anger that was also fed by jealousy – Yep…pure old jealousy. I was jealous that no matter what she did to the kids, no matter how much she gave them or did not give them – they always just wanted her attention.

Okay so now I knew why I was angry? How does one deal with it?

First off, as a parent what is it that we want for our kids?

You would probably agree with me if I said…I want my kids to be happy. Right?

Well that is what I did JF – that is what I did. Not for her, not for the kids, really because that is who I am….

My kids are happy…they are happy when they see mom, even though they know she may be “different” – they are happy…so why shouldn’t I.

My point to this long story is this….

DB101 “change how you look at things”

Maybe you should look at the kids interactions with your W….as…they are happy.

That is not to say that you should NOT be angry – you can be angry JF…it’s okay….but at least for the kids sake, look up and thank God that they are happy. Be it with your OR with your w…they are happy.

Have a good weekend

[JFun51]

Yeah, anger is a b*tch.

Self-loathing and depression is more about an outlet for your anger if you ask me.

BINGO! ^^^^^^^

I find myself trying not to be angry at W or react to her actions on my search for true detachment. So the anger has to go somewhere. Thanks for that tidbit AJ.

I am in an entirely different frame of mind since I was able to run and sweat some of the demons out. Had a friend tell me today that he read an article about your body getting so accustomed to an exercise routine that when you deprive it, you become irritable. Lesson learned.

I am reminding myself today to go back to the beginning and remember all my lessons from then. GAL, take care of yourself, work on you, etc. I been working so hard on digging weeds and getting to the bottom of my own problems that I've gotten too deep in the water and felt like I was drowning.